An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 25

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 25

The Death of Abraham

¹ Abraham took ^[a] another wife, whose name was Keturah. ² She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. ³ Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan; the descendants of Dedan were the Asshurites, the Letushites and the Leummites. ⁴ The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. All these were descendants of Keturah.

Boring... As for Abraham taking another wife, I don't really have a problem with that in real life (of course, since this is the Bible he probably forced her or she couldn't say no and that I would have a problem with.

⁵ Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac. ⁶ But while he was still living, he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines and sent them away from his son Isaac to the land of the east.

Once again, polygamy in the Bible. I already said that adults who are comfortable to live that way are free to do so in my opinion, but the thing still is that many Christians speak against this while their holy book feature supposedly good men living that way.

⁷ Altogether, Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years. ⁸ Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people. ⁹ His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite, ¹⁰ the field Abraham had bought from the Hittites. ^[b] There Abraham was buried with his wife Sarah. ¹¹ After Abraham's death, God blessed his son Isaac, who then lived near Beer Lahai Roi.

OK, he lived more than 120 years, but 175 years old is not an old age to die in the Bible.

Ishmael's Sons

¹² This is the account of Abraham's son Ishmael, whom Sarah's maidservant, Hagar the Egyptian, bore to Abraham.

Ishmael? Nearly forgot about him, after all he was only Abraham's first son when the man's own wife couldn't produce one of her own.

¹³ These are the names of the sons of Ishmael, listed in the order of their birth: Nebaioth the firstborn of Ishmael, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, ¹⁴ Mishma, Dumah, Massa, ¹⁵ Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. ¹⁶ These were the sons of Ishmael, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps. ¹⁷ Altogether, Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. ¹⁸ His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward ^[c] all their brothers.

Boring once more... "His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers.": I know God said something about that earlier, but I still need a reason. Why did they live in hostility? I don't believe in just being evil with no reason, be it a valid reason or not. Well, maybe we'll hear more later...

Jacob and Esau

¹⁹ This is the account of Abraham's son Isaac.
Abraham became the father of Isaac, ²⁰ and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah daughter of Bethuel the Aramean from Paddan Aram ^[d] and sister of Laban the Aramean.

I noticed something weird though. Usually religion would have people get married at a young age in the past and maybe a bit in our days too, but in the Bible itself people don't marry at a young age. Of course, they all live past 100 years old...

²¹ Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. ²² The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, "Why is this happening to me?" So she went to inquire of the LORD.

You know, I'm beginning to think that if both Abraham and Isaac have "barren" wives, maybe the women are not the problem you know. Anyway, his prayer to the LORD seems to be answered more easily (Abraham had to do all sorts of shit) and he even gets twins. I'm not sure why his wife thinks that babies moving in her womb is out of the ordinary though.

²³ The LORD said to her,
"Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger."

That's really far-fetched you know? It's like each time I think the Bible has attained its maximum level of absurdity, it goes beyond that. Have you noticed that the LORD is stating himself that one of the two will be a slave to the other? (The older one at that! It's weird though, because I know one twin comes out before the other, but I wouldn't say he's biologically older.)

²⁴ When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. ²⁵ The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. ^{[e] 26} After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau's heel; so he was named Jacob. ^[f] Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.

"The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau.": what the fuck is fucked up with this baby? The only reason they'd describe him that way is to make him ugly, different and less likeable I guess. After all, don't forget that he's going to be the slave. And if Jacob came out grasping Esau's heel, that must have heart the mother and I don't think he came out much later than his brother.

²⁷ The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. ²⁸ Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

I can see why each parent would get along better with one of their children, sharing the same interests, but you don't have to love one and feel nothing (or hate) the other. It's not always black and white. In the Bible it is, but I mean in real life. (If you ask me though, in the primitive world described in this book, Esau is more useful.)

²⁹ Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. ³⁰ He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" (That is why he was also called Edom. ^[g] )

Is there some obsession with the color red suddenly that I don't get? If Esau is a hunter, shouldn't he be able to get his own food?

³¹ Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright."

OK, that is totally uncalled for. Dude, he's your brother and he's just asking for some of your stew. The guy is a hunter, he needs to eat (like I said, I thought he'd get his own food though) and in fact, he probably gave you the ingredients for the stew you're preparing.

³² "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?"

I knew he was famished, but about to die? Damn...

³³ But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.

Wow, Jacob is a douche. He's even taking advantage of the fact that his brother is dying to make him a slave.

³⁴ Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.

Esau didn't despise his birthright, he was dying, unless the Bible is once again teaching us that we have to endure suffering to be good. But seriously though, I'm beginning to think that he wasn't really dying in a literal way (seeing as how he can get up just after eating a bit). He was speaking like if someone does some exercise and then ask his partner: "What do we have for dinner? I thought I was gonna die there; I'm famished!" If that's the case, he didn't despise his birthright, he was stupid (slave in exchange for bread and lentil stew?)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 25:1 Or had taken
b. Genesis 25:10 Or the sons of Heth
c. Genesis 25:18 Or lived to the east of
d. Genesis 25:20 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
e. Genesis 25:25 Esau may mean hairy ; he was also called Edom, which means red.
f. Genesis 25:26 Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives ).
g. Genesis 25:30 Edom means red .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 24

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 24

Isaac and Rebekah

¹ Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. ² He said to the chief ^[a] servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. ³ I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, ⁴ but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."

"Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way.": if you want my opinion, Abraham has been old for a long time now. Is the line about God having already blessed him in every way possible meant to be funny? It sure is funny to me for some reason. "Put your hand under my thigh.": huh!? Should I leave or what? If that is how you're supposed to swear by the LORD, I think I'll pass (and if it isn't, I'll pass anyway).

⁵ The servant asked him, "What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?"

Women can be unwilling in the Bible? I thought you just did as you pleased with them if you were a man. So anyway, what's so bad about the Canaanites? (Maybe Noah's stupid curse is still going on.)

⁶ "Make sure that you do not take my son back there," Abraham said. ⁷ "The LORD, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, 'To your offspring ^[b] I will give this land'-he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. ⁸ If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there." ⁹ So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.

So anyway, I'm a little bit confused about the matter (land is so important in the Bible, in fact wars are still going on today because of that). My question is: did Abraham often ask his servants to put his testicles in their hands (yeah, that's what the passage means by the way)?

¹⁰ Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and left, taking with him all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim ^[c] and made his way to the town of Nahor. ¹¹ He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.

They're literally shopping for a woman. How is that for a moral lesson?

¹² Then he prayed, "O LORD, God of my master Abraham, give me success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. ¹³ See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. ¹⁴ May it be that when I say to a girl, 'Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too'-let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master."

Well, if you ask kindly for some water, I guess most women who pass by would give you some and say something along those lines. You're not really proving anything.

¹⁵ Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, who was the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor. ¹⁶ The girl was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever lain with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.

Ah yes, the Bible's obsession with virgins. Anyway, you can't detect a virgin when you see one you know. (Furthermore, did you know that by mixing science and madness, we have invented a surgery to create a new hymen for women who aren't virgins anymore so that they'll fool any religious zealot? Virginity means absolutely nothing.)

¹⁷ The servant hurried to meet her and said, "Please give me a little water from your jar."

It's a trap!

¹⁸ "Drink, my lord," she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.

Well, of course she does. He just asked her and women tend to serve men in the Bible, don't they?

¹⁹ After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." ²⁰ So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels. ²¹ Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the LORD had made his journey successful.

So I already said that it was plausible, given the circumstances, that just about any woman who would pass by would do what he asked for in his prayer. Now I see that the lines don't even have to be precisely the same. I mean, if she said exactly 100% the same thing as he had said in his prayer, I mean all the same words, nothing more nothing less, that would already have been more surprising. Now I think that only the act of agreeing to give him, a MAN (in the Bible, that's important), water after he asked nicely and then deciding to water his camels on her own was all he needed to be convinced. (Of course she's going to water your camels right next to you if she was already nice enough to let you drink.)

²² When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka ^[d] and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels. ^{[e] 23} Then he asked, "Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?"

Now I think you're pushing your luck!

²⁴ She answered him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milcah bore to Nahor." ²⁵ And she added, "We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night."

Why not keep it in the family? That's a tagline for the Bible! Yes, the potential future wife for Isaac is his first cousin once removed. There are plenty of women to choose from I guess, but the one Abraham's servant happens to find is this one. It's not that bad though, it could definitely be worse, like his sister (after all, Abraham himself was married to his sister).

²⁶ Then the man bowed down and worshiped the LORD, ²⁷ saying, "Praise be to the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the LORD has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives."

Please don't make it any weirder. You do realize that they're relatives...

²⁸ The girl ran and told her mother's household about these things. ²⁹ Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. ³⁰ As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister's arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring. ³¹ "Come, you who are blessed by the LORD," he said. "Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels."

"Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.": I guess he was praying all this time. You see, you don't accomplish anything while you're losing your time praying! (From what I understand, it was not a silent prayer either since the girl heard him.)

³² So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. ³³ Then food was set before him, but he said, "I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say."
"Then tell us," Laban said.

Yes, do tell! They pad these scenes like I've never seen before. What should only be one or two lines is divided in many paragraphs and sometimes even chapters.

³⁴ So he said, "I am Abraham's servant. ³⁵ The LORD has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, menservants and maidservants, and camels and donkeys. ³⁶ My master's wife Sarah has borne him a son in her ^[f] old age, and he has given him everything he owns. ³⁷ And my master made me swear an oath, and said, 'You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, ³⁸ but go to my father's family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.'

"The LORD has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, menservants and maidservants, and camels and donkeys.": direct confirmation that it is God who blessed Abraham with slaves. "You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, but go to my father's family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.": well he did say to go back to his father's land, but I didn't think he actually meant to take back one of his close relatives as a wife for his son. I should have guessed though (dude married his sister).

³⁹ "Then I asked my master, 'What if the woman will not come back with me?'

I understand he's explaining that to them for the first time, but I already know about that and I'm the reader.

⁴⁰ "He replied, 'The LORD, before whom I have walked, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father's family. ⁴¹ Then, when you go to my clan, you will be released from my oath even if they refuse to give her to you—you will be released from my oath.'

What I find funny is that God is assuring the man's success, but there's the option that he could still faith. Can you go against God's will?

⁴² "When I came to the spring today, I said, 'O LORD, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. ⁴³ See, I am standing beside this spring; if a maiden comes out to draw water and I say to her, "Please let me drink a little water from your jar," ⁴⁴ and if she says to me, "Drink, and I'll draw water for your camels too," let her be the one the LORD has chosen for my master's son.'

A good book would move these scenes quicker by saying something like: "And he explained the situation to them."

⁴⁵ "Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, 'Please give me a drink.'

Well now it's getting ridiculous, they're repeating everything that has just happened. I mean, even the girl is aware of that part.

⁴⁶ "She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too.' So I drank, and she watered the camels also.

The turritopsis nutricula is a type of jellyfish which is possibly immortal since it has the ability to morph back to earlier stages of its lifecycle even after reaching sexual maturity. There's no link here, but I'm being slightly more useful than the Bible and I'm giving you potentially interesting information at least.

⁴⁷ "I asked her, 'Whose daughter are you?'
"She said, 'The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milcah bore to him.'
"Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, ⁴⁸ and I bowed down and worshiped the LORD. I praised the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master's brother for his son. ⁴⁹ Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn."

Wait, what? He actually put the ring in her nose? That part was not mentioned before. Man that's insane. He meets a stranger, puts a ring in her nose as if she was some kind of animal, then asks if he can basically kidnap her to force her in marriage with a man she never met before (who happens to be related to her). It really was a trap. In the Bible, a man can do just about anything he wants.

⁵⁰ Laban and Bethuel answered, "This is from the LORD; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. ⁵¹ Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master's son, as the LORD has directed."

That's what I thought. The LORD commanded it, so they can't do much about it, so why bring it up? (Do you realize that in one case, if they answered no, it would have meant that you could go against God's will, which isn't supposed to be a possibility from what I heard? Now that they said yes, it means that God has kind of violated their free will, since they just had no choice to refuse that demand. People will also say that God doesn't want to violate your free will as an excuse for him not showing himself or things like that. So explain that to me.)

⁵² When Abraham's servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the LORD. ⁵³ Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. ⁵⁴ Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.
When they got up the next morning, he said, "Send me on my way to my master."

You know what it looks like? It looks exactly like he bought the girl to become a wife. Women are not merchandise, they're humans and men are humans too. Yes, women are different from men, but that's just like saying men are different from women.

⁵⁵ But her brother and her mother replied, "Let the girl remain with us ten days or so; then you ^[g] may go."

What? Regretting your choice of selling your daughter to some stranger so that she will become a sex slave? (OK, not sex slave, but a woman's main function as recognized in the Bible seems to be more about making babies than anything else.)

⁵⁶ But he said to them, "Do not detain me, now that the LORD has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master."

You heartless son of a bitch! You're only thinking about yourself, aren't you? (Actually, I believe that people should think about themselves more, but you can be kind from time to time you know.)

⁵⁷ Then they said, "Let's call the girl and ask her about it." ⁵⁸ So they called Rebekah and asked her, "Will you go with this man?"
"I will go," she said.

Well, it's not like the girl has a personality.

⁵⁹ So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham's servant and his men. ⁶⁰ And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,
"Our sister, may you increase
to thousands upon thousands;
may your offspring possess
the gates of their enemies."

No need to do that. God has already blessed Abraham's descendance that way.

⁶¹ Then Rebekah and her maids got ready and mounted their camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.

Well, at least we can move on to other things now.

⁶² Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. ⁶³ He went out to the field one evening to meditate, ^[h] and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. ⁶⁴ Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel ⁶⁵ and asked the servant, "Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?"
"He is my master," the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.

So women cover themselves with veils in the Bible?

⁶⁶ Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. ⁶⁷ Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

True love, ladies and gentlemen!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 24:2 Or oldest
b. Genesis 24:7 Or seed
c. Genesis 24:10 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
d. Genesis 24:22 That is, about 1/5 ounce (about 5.5 grams)
e. Genesis 24:22 That is, about 4 ounces (about 110 grams)
f. Genesis 24:36 Or his
g. Genesis 24:55 Or she
h. Genesis 24:63 The meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 23

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 23

The Death of Sarah

¹ Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. ² She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.

You see people. Those of you who claim that the 120 years in the passage about the flood did not refer about human lifespan seem to be wrong, because now that a few generations have passed, people seem to die at around that age. In fact, Abraham is due right about now, being slightly older than his wife (but he is a prophet and God said he would live to be old, so I don't know).

³ Then Abraham rose from beside his dead wife and spoke to the Hittites. ^[a] He said, ⁴ "I am an alien and a stranger among you. Sell me some property for a burial site here so I can bury my dead."

I hope they agree to sell him a burial site. After all, he lost a wife and a sister today!

⁵ The Hittites replied to Abraham, ⁶ "Sir, listen to us. You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will refuse you his tomb for burying your dead."

They're quite nice actually!

⁷ Then Abraham rose and bowed down before the people of the land, the Hittites. ⁸ He said to them, "If you are willing to let me bury my dead, then listen to me and intercede with Ephron son of Zohar on my behalf ⁹ so he will sell me the cave of Machpelah, which belongs to him and is at the end of his field. Ask him to sell it to me for the full price as a burial site among you."

And Abraham is nice too! Except when he isn't, but here he is.

¹⁰ Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. ¹¹ "No, my lord," he said. "Listen to me; I give ^[b] you the field, and I give ^[c] you the cave that is in it. I give ^[d] it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead."

OK, that man is generous too. I think I'm beginning to get it now.

¹² Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land ¹³ and he said to Ephron in their hearing, "Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there."

It's beginning to look like when my mother does something for a friend of hers and then she has a hard time accepting money in exchange for the service. That's not how our capitalist system works (it's funny to me that the United States, a country particularly known for being strong on capitalism is also known for having a strong Christian majority).

¹⁴ Ephron answered Abraham, ¹⁵ "Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels ^[e] of silver, but what is that between me and you? Bury your dead."

But seriously, even though I make commentaries on these verses, I've got to say there are not really any contradictions or bad morals here. It's quite nice actually (and realistic for some people, even if it wouldn't work well for a whole country). I believe I should point out those passages in the Bible, because it's not like I can say that about most of the book.

¹⁶ Abraham agreed to Ephron's terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants.

So everybody is generous and that's it, nice though a bit boring, but that's a lot better than reading about human sacrifices.

¹⁷ So Ephron's field in Machpelah near Mamre—both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the borders of the field—was deeded ¹⁸ to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city. ¹⁹ Afterward Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in the field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in the land of Canaan. ²⁰ So the field and the cave in it were deeded to Abraham by the Hittites as a burial site.

What I still find funny is how the Bible will often repeat itself in the same paragraph. It's like an echo; as if people had trouble remembering what was written two lines ago. Maybe it's just some kind of literary style too. If I was a God and I had written a book, I think it would be a more direct list of things you can or can't do or maybe it would be written in the style of a guide, but it would definitely not be a long story left to interpretation.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 23:3 Or the sons of Heth ; also in verses 5, 7, 10, 16, 18 and 20
b. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
c. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
d. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
e. Genesis 23:15 That is, about 10 pounds (about 4.5 kilograms)

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 22

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 22

Abraham Tested

¹ Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

It's not like Abraham had already shown for many years that he was loyal to God after all.

² Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Hey, Ishmael is completely forgotten now? And God has moved on to more than animals it seems. You give them a sheep and the next thing you know they ask for your son. That's how it works! (I'll admit I already know the end of that story, but as Matt Dillahunty said and probably others, the fact that Abraham would do this after God has asked him proves that it is possible in God's nature to request such a thing, according to his own prophet.)

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

Requesting human sacrifice sure seems quite odd from God's part, but think about it. Just about any sacrifice seems like a ridiculous request from a perfect being that created everything.

⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

This looks like a good twist for a movie, except we already know the twist (of course, there's another twist after that though).

⁸ Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

How dumb can Isaac be? God will offer a lamb to be burnt as offering for himself? Yeah right... Come to think of it, he's done stranger things.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

I smell a twist!

¹² "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

He's NOT his only son!!! Yeah, what a beautiful verse that believers like. It's such a strong proof of Abraham's faith. I say it's immoral. God is playing with him, he's traumatizing the child, he's asking for sacrifices while there's no reason for this (I mean it for animals too) and God knows everything anyway, so he already knew that Abraham was God fearing. You know what would have been more beautiful for me? If Abraham refused to comply with God's demand. Then God would have said that it was a test to see if Abraham was actually a bad person willing to kill his son for no good reason. Anyway, God is evil for asking that and Abraham is a bad person for willing to do it.

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram ^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

That's a rational thing to do... NOT! So let me get this straight. Everything is going fine, then your God invents a false bad situation and then he saves you from that situation, making everything fine again. That doesn't make him good since the bad situation was imposed by him in the first place. Abraham, to thank his God I guess, names the place in his honor.

¹⁵ The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time ¹⁶ and said, "I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring ^[b] all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."

How can the LORD swear by himself? Anyway, if I understand correctly, at any point God can decide to test him again until he refuses then the deal will be cancelled. I say that because God had already promised all those things, yet it is implied that if Abraham had just refused God's will years later (which was quite irrationnal by the way), then the promise would not be fulfilled. And of course, now we're forgetting the bit where God said that his descendants would suffer before the promise would be fulfilled.

¹⁹ Then Abraham returned to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba.

In other words, Abraham and his slaves. So at this point we've read every chapter of the Bible shown in the movie The Bible... In the Beginning.

Nahor's Sons

²⁰ Some time later Abraham was told, "Milcah is also a mother; she has borne sons to your brother Nahor: ²¹ Uz the firstborn, Buz his brother, Kemuel (the father of Aram), ²² Kesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel." ²³ Bethuel became the father of Rebekah. Milcah bore these eight sons to Abraham's brother Nahor. ²⁴ His concubine, whose name was Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maacah.

A boring section like we've seen before, but read carefully. We have another case of sex outside of marriage, maybe similar to Abraham with Hagar unless he had married that one too. Yes, Nahor, Abraham's brother, has children with Milcah and Reumah. I myself am not against this if everybody is OK with it in the relationship, but that's not something most hardcore Christians would approve of.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 22:13 Many manuscripts of the Masoretic Text, Samaritan Pentateuch, Septuagint and Syriac; most manuscripts of the Masoretic Text a ram behind him
b. Genesis 22:18 Or seed

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 21

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 21

The Birth of Isaac

¹ Now the LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did for Sarah what he had promised. ² Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. ³ Abraham gave the name Isaac ^[a] to the son Sarah bore him. ⁴ When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. ⁵ Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.

"Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.": it's not like God was very precise; he just said next year at about the same time. "Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.": I just have to get the "99 years old Abraham fucking his 90 years old wife a year earlier" image out of my head now.

⁶ Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." ⁷ And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

"God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.": believe me lady; they won't laugh with you, they'll laugh at you.

Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away

⁸ The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. ⁹ But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, ¹⁰ and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac."

I just don't know what to say about Hagar and the whole thing that happened with her (maybe because we never hear about her). In a way, it's really a sad story, because she has all the merits of giving Abraham his first son, yet she's never properly recognized. I guess was disturbs me the most is that the supposedly good guys don't even look like good guys in this story. They have slaves, Abraham doesn't care so much about his firstborn and Sarah acts like the most immoral bitch. Is Hagar supposed to be one of the bad people? I don't know, I'm confused.

¹¹ The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. ¹² But God said to him, "Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring ^[b] will be reckoned. ¹³ I will make the son of the maidservant into a nation also, because he is your offspring."

And God is not actually better as a good person or being. He takes Sarah's side and he never cared all that much about Ishmael (you know how people say he loves everybody equal), except for the promise of a nation.

¹⁴ Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the desert of Beersheba.

Man, that's cruel. I know God ordered it, but that just makes it worse. God is cruel too. So far, I've seen bad people and less bad people in this book, but not many good people (there are also those which I have no opinion about, like when there are long lists of names).

¹⁵ When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. ¹⁶ Then she went off and sat down nearby, about a bowshot away, for she thought, "I cannot watch the boy die." And as she sat there nearby, she ^[c] began to sob.

I sympathize with her; it's as if the Bible was once again encouraging suffering for promise of a reward later on.

¹⁷ God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. ¹⁸ Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation."

The angel asks "What is the matter, Hagar?" Is he serious? What's the matter? Maybe that her master who used her as a sex slave to produce a child years ago just left her to die in the deserts with no signs of God actually keeping his promise to her so far.

¹⁹ Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

That's a miracle! Or a mirage...

²⁰ God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. ²¹ While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.

Forced marriage? Why not? Women have no personality of their own, do they? So is this book the reflection of an objective morality made by a God or a reflection of the barbaric society of that era? Once again, to me it's obviously just written by men trying to explain what they didn't know and trying to justify what they wanted to do.

The Treaty at Beersheba

²² At that time Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, "God is with you in everything you do. ²³ Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you are living as an alien the same kindness I have shown to you."

Wow, Abimelech is wise. You don't fuck with him twice!

²⁴ Abraham said, "I swear it."

Let's just hope he's not lying once again. Let's not forget God is with him in everything he does, so maybe he would even cover him for falsely swearing before him.

²⁵ Then Abraham complained to Abimelech about a well of water that Abimelech's servants had seized. ²⁶ But Abimelech said, "I don't know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today."

"I don't know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today.": Abimelech sounds quite dumb in this verse though. This dialogue looks like it was written by Tommy Wiseau (anybody heard of the movie The Room?)

²⁷ So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelech, and the two men made a treaty. ²⁸ Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs from the flock, ²⁹ and Abimelech asked Abraham, "What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs you have set apart by themselves?"

I don't know, maybe because the Bible has an obsession with the number 7?

³⁰ He replied, "Accept these seven lambs from my hand as a witness that I dug this well."

I don't quite understand. Abraham is paying for a hole he dug himself? This is more like a contract, an agreement that Abimelech's servants won't take it, is that it?

³¹ So that place was called Beersheba, ^[d] because the two men swore an oath there.

Yeah, these verses lose their meaning with the various translations (of course, we have footnotes to explain that). That's part of the reason why I don't think a god who wants to be known would communicate with us this way.

³² After the treaty had been made at Beersheba, Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his forces returned to the land of the Philistines. ³³ Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and there he called upon the name of the LORD, the Eternal God. ³⁴ And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time.

Seriously when it's not God annoying Abraham, it's Abraham annoying God.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 21:3 Isaac means he laughs .
b. Genesis 21:12 Or seed
c. Genesis 21:16 Hebrew; Septuagint the child
d. Genesis 21:31 Beersheba can mean well of seven or well of the oath .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 20

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 20

Abraham and Abimelech

¹ Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, ² and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, "She is my sister." Then Abimelech king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.

Seriously!? He's still doing that "She is my sister." routine at such an advanced age? Why does he have to lie while he could just say that she is his wife. If they so want to kill him for that (after all, she's only old enough to be my grandmother's mother), God would protect him anyway I guess.

³ But God came to Abimelech in a dream one night and said to him, "You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman."

Is God even aware that Abraham is lying to these men?

⁴ Now Abimelech had not gone near her, so he said, "Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation? ⁵ Did he not say to me, 'She is my sister,' and didn't she also say, 'He is my brother'? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands."

I'm surprised he hasn't touched her yet, but the man is right. Abraham is a liar and he is innocent.

⁶ Then God said to him in the dream, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her. ⁷ Now return the man's wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you will live. But if you do not return her, you may be sure that you and all yours will die."

Ah, so that was God that kept this man from touching her (he could also just force the king to release her now, without killing anyone, after all he has clearly already violated the man's free will). God is being so aggressive to protect his prophet, yet the good prophet did lie. You know, instead of wasting precious time in each of these scenes, God could just protect Abraham from the beginning like I said, without going through the "She is my sister." routine.

⁸ Early the next morning Abimelech summoned all his officials, and when he told them all that had happened, they were very much afraid. ⁹ Then Abimelech called Abraham in and said, "What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done." ¹⁰ And Abimelech asked Abraham, "What was your reason for doing this?"

Yes, why did Abraham do this? That's a good question, but also why aren't they just releasing his wife right now to get this over with?

¹¹ Abraham replied, "I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.' ¹² Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. ¹³ And when God had me wander from my father's household, I said to her, 'This is how you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, "He is my brother." ' "

"There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.": ah, so God is not known everywhere. Those damn evil atheists without morals... Wait! But anyway, fear of God or not, couldn't the LORD just produce some kind of magical shield around Abraham and his wife to protect them? "Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife.": this is like some kind of sick joke right? I mean, the whole book is some kind of sick joke that people don't get. I really, really laughed when I read that. Incest, approved by God. You know that starting a whole nation from incestuous sex is not a good idea to avoid genetic diseases?

¹⁴ Then Abimelech brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. ¹⁵ And Abimelech said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like."

These men are clearly God fearing, Abraham the prophet was wrong. Or maybe just God showing up to them turned them into believers. (Why doesn't God appear directly to atheists like me to make us believers if he truly exists?)

¹⁶ To Sarah he said, "I am giving your brother a thousand shekels ^[a] of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."

Yeah, your brother and husband. Nothing wrong with it, God said so!

¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife and his slave girls so they could have children again, ¹⁸ for the LORD had closed up every womb in Abimelech's household because of Abraham's wife Sarah.

He had made them temporarily infertile? Anyway, unless this story really was longer than it seems, how could anyone have noticed that? You don't notice that you've become infertile after a night has passed you know. And why did God do that in the first place? Abraham is the one sinning with a bad lie (well truth actually, but you get my point) and others pay for it? And we're not talking about the king, but his wives and slaves too, but they're not important in this book after all (if women were considered important, then I would've brought up that taking Sarah against her will was a sin itself, but that's clearly not the crime he's accused of here).

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 20:16 That is, about 25 pounds (about 11.5 kilograms)

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 19

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 19

Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed

¹ The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground. ² "My lords," he said, "please turn aside to your servant's house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning."
"No," they answered, "we will spend the night in the square."

Abraham and his family seem to have some kind of foot fetish...

³ But he insisted so strongly that they did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate. ⁴ Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. ⁵ They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

OK, so I guess this is finally the sin of Sodom revealed. All men, ALL men, are homosexuals. This is totally unbelievable. First of all, homosexuality is not a choice; you're born that way, so how would that be a sin? Statistics show that only a minority of people grow up to identify as homosexuals, so it would be hard to find a whole city filled with people who are (except Lot, of course). And then, there's also the fact that it's not because you're homosexual that you want to sleep with any men just like heterosexuals don't want to have sex with any woman. And they don't think about sex all the time you know. In this city, all men are homosexuals and they all want to rape these two angels. It probably means that a couple of people saw them and told everyone that they were so beautiful they were worth a fuck. It's completely unbelievable that such a thing could happen to a whole city.

⁶ Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him ⁷ and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. ⁸ Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

So rape is not the wicked thing here, it's being homosexual. How do I know that? Lot just told the men that they could do anything to his virgin daughters, it's like they're just objects and that's not the crime; Lot is the good man here. (How did he survive in a city where he was the only good man?)

⁹ "Get out of our way," they replied. And they said, "This fellow came here as an alien, and now he wants to play the judge! We'll treat you worse than them." They kept bringing pressure on Lot and moved forward to break down the door.

How horny can they be?

¹⁰ But the men inside reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and shut the door. ¹¹ Then they struck the men who were at the door of the house, young and old, with blindness so that they could not find the door.

That or they could have used the same magic to make the door unbreakable or something like that.

¹² The two men said to Lot, "Do you have anyone else here—sons-in-law, sons or daughters, or anyone else in the city who belongs to you? Get them out of here, ¹³ because we are going to destroy this place. The outcry to the LORD against its people is so great that he has sent us to destroy it."

People could actually "belong" to Lot? Oh right, slavery is condoned by the LORD! Anyway, they don't need to destroy the city, just the wicked men. Can't they do that? They just blinded all of them with magic after all. Oh well, at least no righteous people are going to be killed, but that's just because the book is so black and white that it invented some unbelievable excuse to say that everyone except Lot is bad (homosexuality is so wrong after all, it hurts you so much, doesn't it?) But what about the babies and also the women whom we almost never hear about in this book (it's like they're not even people, yet they're the same type of animals as men).

¹⁴ So Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who were pledged to marry ^[a] his daughters. He said, "Hurry and get out of this place, because the LORD is about to destroy the city!" But his sons-in-law thought he was joking.

Hey, not everyone was trying to rape the angels it seems. And of course they'd think it was a joke. God is so inefficient at killing only the right targets (I can't say it enough, why destroy the whole city, with potentially some good people in it, while you should have the powers to kill specific people instantly by magic? And homosexuality is nothing wrong, like heterosexuality is nothing wrong.)

¹⁵ With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished."

Yeah, because God is really stupid.

¹⁶ When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them. ¹⁷ As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, "Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!"

Looks like God is launching a nuke!

¹⁸ But Lot said to them, "No, my lords, ^[b] please! ¹⁹ Your ^[c] servant has found favor in your ^[d] eyes, and you ^[e] have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can't flee to the mountains; this disaster will overtake me, and I'll die. ²⁰ Look, here is a town near enough to run to, and it is small. Let me flee to it—it is very small, isn't it? Then my life will be spared."

Is he speaking metaphorically? I mean, fleeing to the mountains couldn't possibly kill him, neither could the destruction of his city. But he does bring up a point though, why use such a barbaric method to get rid of people, God?

²¹ He said to him, "Very well, I will grant this request too; I will not overthrow the town you speak of. ²² But flee there quickly, because I cannot do anything until you reach it." (That is why the town was called Zoar. ^[f] )

You cannot do anything until he reaches it? How come? You're supposed to be able to do anything! (I know it's not the LORD, but the angels that are speaking, but they work for him and could probably ask him to not kill Lot and his family and his sons-in-law too by the way.) To me, it just looks like if this story is true, it's probably speaking about a natural catastrophe that occurred and some people attributed God to it.

²³ By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. ²⁴ Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the LORD out of the heavens. ²⁵ Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. ²⁶ But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

There it is. A volcano erupted, that's all. (I understand that volcanoes must have been very impressing to people at the time. It just seems like only a god could produce such intense rage from the earth. Of course, we understand how they work nowadays. They're still impressive though, I'll give them that.) "But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.": you mean the angels' warnings were real? If only they had told Lot and his family that turning back would turn you into a pillar of salt, I think they would've understood more clearly. And there's no way Lot would know his wife turned into a pillar of salt unless he looked back too (OK, maybe she was ahead of him when she looked back; you see, I'm helping you make sense of it here, I'm kind like that).

²⁷ Early the next morning Abraham got up and returned to the place where he had stood before the LORD. ²⁸ He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land of the plain, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace.

Yep, definitely looks like some kind of natural catastrophe like a volcano.

²⁹ So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham, and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived.

Yeah, God is good... Thanks, I guess.

Lot and His Daughters

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. ³¹ One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. ³² Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."

"Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar.": I understand the man; God is completely irrational and will kill you over nothing. He could even kill you if he decides the place is too wicked, Lot was lucky to get out this time. "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.": I don't even know what to say. I'm at chapter 19 and I'm still impressed by these things. How strange is it to say that sleeping with men is a "custom"? But more importantly, once again there is a case of getting a man drunk with wine, drunk beyond all belief. This time, it's even more unbelievable, because we have two virgins deciding to basically rape their father, committing incest (once again we find this in the Bible), in order to continue their lineage. I'm sure they could've moved to another place and find other more suitable men. But you know what the biggest problem in all of this is? Men can't get an erection when they're drunk. I'm not talking about a little bit drunk, but if you're drunk enough to get raped by your daughters, you definitely won't get an erection. It's totally true and if you're a man, you either already know this or you can try for yourself (not sleeping with your daughters, but getting wasted and trying to fuck your wife, for example). If you're telling me that God made it happen, don't you realize this is even worse?

³³ That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

You'd have to be pretty much in a coma not to realize that. Not only can you die from this, but you definitely won't fuck.

³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." ³⁵ So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

They're going to ruin their father's liver if they keep at it. The guy must realize that his daughters are getting him drunk at least. I guess they're hiding it because he wouldn't want them to sleep with him (meaning incest is probably wrong to good men even if it's not the first instance we see of that in the Bible). But the way I understand it so far, you can't go against God's will when it comes to having babies, at least I think so from Abraham and his wife (which God blessed to get her pregnant). So if the daughters get pregnant, that's because God accepts it.

³⁶ So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father. ³⁷ The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab ^[g] ; he is the father of the Moabites of today. ³⁸ The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi ^[h] ; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.

I can just imagine Lot wondering: "How the fuck did they get pregnant?" And then he died of cirrhosis.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 19:14 Or were married to
b. Genesis 19:18 Or No, Lord; or No, my lord
c. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
d. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
e. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
f. Genesis 19:22 Zoar means small .
g. Genesis 19:37 Moab sounds like the Hebrew for from father .
h. Genesis 19:38 Ben-Ammi means son of my people .