An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 22

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 22

Abraham Tested

¹ Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

It's not like Abraham had already shown for many years that he was loyal to God after all.

² Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Hey, Ishmael is completely forgotten now? And God has moved on to more than animals it seems. You give them a sheep and the next thing you know they ask for your son. That's how it works! (I'll admit I already know the end of that story, but as Matt Dillahunty said and probably others, the fact that Abraham would do this after God has asked him proves that it is possible in God's nature to request such a thing, according to his own prophet.)

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

Requesting human sacrifice sure seems quite odd from God's part, but think about it. Just about any sacrifice seems like a ridiculous request from a perfect being that created everything.

⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

This looks like a good twist for a movie, except we already know the twist (of course, there's another twist after that though).

⁸ Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

How dumb can Isaac be? God will offer a lamb to be burnt as offering for himself? Yeah right... Come to think of it, he's done stranger things.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

I smell a twist!

¹² "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

He's NOT his only son!!! Yeah, what a beautiful verse that believers like. It's such a strong proof of Abraham's faith. I say it's immoral. God is playing with him, he's traumatizing the child, he's asking for sacrifices while there's no reason for this (I mean it for animals too) and God knows everything anyway, so he already knew that Abraham was God fearing. You know what would have been more beautiful for me? If Abraham refused to comply with God's demand. Then God would have said that it was a test to see if Abraham was actually a bad person willing to kill his son for no good reason. Anyway, God is evil for asking that and Abraham is a bad person for willing to do it.

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram ^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

That's a rational thing to do... NOT! So let me get this straight. Everything is going fine, then your God invents a false bad situation and then he saves you from that situation, making everything fine again. That doesn't make him good since the bad situation was imposed by him in the first place. Abraham, to thank his God I guess, names the place in his honor.

¹⁵ The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time ¹⁶ and said, "I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring ^[b] all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."

How can the LORD swear by himself? Anyway, if I understand correctly, at any point God can decide to test him again until he refuses then the deal will be cancelled. I say that because God had already promised all those things, yet it is implied that if Abraham had just refused God's will years later (which was quite irrationnal by the way), then the promise would not be fulfilled. And of course, now we're forgetting the bit where God said that his descendants would suffer before the promise would be fulfilled.

¹⁹ Then Abraham returned to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba.

In other words, Abraham and his slaves. So at this point we've read every chapter of the Bible shown in the movie The Bible... In the Beginning.

Nahor's Sons

²⁰ Some time later Abraham was told, "Milcah is also a mother; she has borne sons to your brother Nahor: ²¹ Uz the firstborn, Buz his brother, Kemuel (the father of Aram), ²² Kesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel." ²³ Bethuel became the father of Rebekah. Milcah bore these eight sons to Abraham's brother Nahor. ²⁴ His concubine, whose name was Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maacah.

A boring section like we've seen before, but read carefully. We have another case of sex outside of marriage, maybe similar to Abraham with Hagar unless he had married that one too. Yes, Nahor, Abraham's brother, has children with Milcah and Reumah. I myself am not against this if everybody is OK with it in the relationship, but that's not something most hardcore Christians would approve of.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 22:13 Many manuscripts of the Masoretic Text, Samaritan Pentateuch, Septuagint and Syriac; most manuscripts of the Masoretic Text a ram behind him
b. Genesis 22:18 Or seed