An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 23

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 23

The Death of Sarah

¹ Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. ² She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.

You see people. Those of you who claim that the 120 years in the passage about the flood did not refer about human lifespan seem to be wrong, because now that a few generations have passed, people seem to die at around that age. In fact, Abraham is due right about now, being slightly older than his wife (but he is a prophet and God said he would live to be old, so I don't know).

³ Then Abraham rose from beside his dead wife and spoke to the Hittites. ^[a] He said, ⁴ "I am an alien and a stranger among you. Sell me some property for a burial site here so I can bury my dead."

I hope they agree to sell him a burial site. After all, he lost a wife and a sister today!

⁵ The Hittites replied to Abraham, ⁶ "Sir, listen to us. You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will refuse you his tomb for burying your dead."

They're quite nice actually!

⁷ Then Abraham rose and bowed down before the people of the land, the Hittites. ⁸ He said to them, "If you are willing to let me bury my dead, then listen to me and intercede with Ephron son of Zohar on my behalf ⁹ so he will sell me the cave of Machpelah, which belongs to him and is at the end of his field. Ask him to sell it to me for the full price as a burial site among you."

And Abraham is nice too! Except when he isn't, but here he is.

¹⁰ Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. ¹¹ "No, my lord," he said. "Listen to me; I give ^[b] you the field, and I give ^[c] you the cave that is in it. I give ^[d] it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead."

OK, that man is generous too. I think I'm beginning to get it now.

¹² Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land ¹³ and he said to Ephron in their hearing, "Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there."

It's beginning to look like when my mother does something for a friend of hers and then she has a hard time accepting money in exchange for the service. That's not how our capitalist system works (it's funny to me that the United States, a country particularly known for being strong on capitalism is also known for having a strong Christian majority).

¹⁴ Ephron answered Abraham, ¹⁵ "Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels ^[e] of silver, but what is that between me and you? Bury your dead."

But seriously, even though I make commentaries on these verses, I've got to say there are not really any contradictions or bad morals here. It's quite nice actually (and realistic for some people, even if it wouldn't work well for a whole country). I believe I should point out those passages in the Bible, because it's not like I can say that about most of the book.

¹⁶ Abraham agreed to Ephron's terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants.

So everybody is generous and that's it, nice though a bit boring, but that's a lot better than reading about human sacrifices.

¹⁷ So Ephron's field in Machpelah near Mamre—both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the borders of the field—was deeded ¹⁸ to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city. ¹⁹ Afterward Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in the field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in the land of Canaan. ²⁰ So the field and the cave in it were deeded to Abraham by the Hittites as a burial site.

What I still find funny is how the Bible will often repeat itself in the same paragraph. It's like an echo; as if people had trouble remembering what was written two lines ago. Maybe it's just some kind of literary style too. If I was a God and I had written a book, I think it would be a more direct list of things you can or can't do or maybe it would be written in the style of a guide, but it would definitely not be a long story left to interpretation.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 23:3 Or the sons of Heth ; also in verses 5, 7, 10, 16, 18 and 20
b. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
c. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
d. Genesis 23:11 Or sell
e. Genesis 23:15 That is, about 10 pounds (about 4.5 kilograms)