An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 24

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 24

Isaac and Rebekah

¹ Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. ² He said to the chief ^[a] servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. ³ I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, ⁴ but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."

"Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way.": if you want my opinion, Abraham has been old for a long time now. Is the line about God having already blessed him in every way possible meant to be funny? It sure is funny to me for some reason. "Put your hand under my thigh.": huh!? Should I leave or what? If that is how you're supposed to swear by the LORD, I think I'll pass (and if it isn't, I'll pass anyway).

⁵ The servant asked him, "What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?"

Women can be unwilling in the Bible? I thought you just did as you pleased with them if you were a man. So anyway, what's so bad about the Canaanites? (Maybe Noah's stupid curse is still going on.)

⁶ "Make sure that you do not take my son back there," Abraham said. ⁷ "The LORD, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, 'To your offspring ^[b] I will give this land'-he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. ⁸ If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there." ⁹ So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.

So anyway, I'm a little bit confused about the matter (land is so important in the Bible, in fact wars are still going on today because of that). My question is: did Abraham often ask his servants to put his testicles in their hands (yeah, that's what the passage means by the way)?

¹⁰ Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and left, taking with him all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim ^[c] and made his way to the town of Nahor. ¹¹ He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.

They're literally shopping for a woman. How is that for a moral lesson?

¹² Then he prayed, "O LORD, God of my master Abraham, give me success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. ¹³ See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. ¹⁴ May it be that when I say to a girl, 'Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too'-let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master."

Well, if you ask kindly for some water, I guess most women who pass by would give you some and say something along those lines. You're not really proving anything.

¹⁵ Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, who was the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor. ¹⁶ The girl was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever lain with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.

Ah yes, the Bible's obsession with virgins. Anyway, you can't detect a virgin when you see one you know. (Furthermore, did you know that by mixing science and madness, we have invented a surgery to create a new hymen for women who aren't virgins anymore so that they'll fool any religious zealot? Virginity means absolutely nothing.)

¹⁷ The servant hurried to meet her and said, "Please give me a little water from your jar."

It's a trap!

¹⁸ "Drink, my lord," she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.

Well, of course she does. He just asked her and women tend to serve men in the Bible, don't they?

¹⁹ After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking." ²⁰ So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels. ²¹ Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the LORD had made his journey successful.

So I already said that it was plausible, given the circumstances, that just about any woman who would pass by would do what he asked for in his prayer. Now I see that the lines don't even have to be precisely the same. I mean, if she said exactly 100% the same thing as he had said in his prayer, I mean all the same words, nothing more nothing less, that would already have been more surprising. Now I think that only the act of agreeing to give him, a MAN (in the Bible, that's important), water after he asked nicely and then deciding to water his camels on her own was all he needed to be convinced. (Of course she's going to water your camels right next to you if she was already nice enough to let you drink.)

²² When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka ^[d] and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels. ^{[e] 23} Then he asked, "Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?"

Now I think you're pushing your luck!

²⁴ She answered him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milcah bore to Nahor." ²⁵ And she added, "We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night."

Why not keep it in the family? That's a tagline for the Bible! Yes, the potential future wife for Isaac is his first cousin once removed. There are plenty of women to choose from I guess, but the one Abraham's servant happens to find is this one. It's not that bad though, it could definitely be worse, like his sister (after all, Abraham himself was married to his sister).

²⁶ Then the man bowed down and worshiped the LORD, ²⁷ saying, "Praise be to the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the LORD has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives."

Please don't make it any weirder. You do realize that they're relatives...

²⁸ The girl ran and told her mother's household about these things. ²⁹ Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. ³⁰ As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister's arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring. ³¹ "Come, you who are blessed by the LORD," he said. "Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels."

"Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.": I guess he was praying all this time. You see, you don't accomplish anything while you're losing your time praying! (From what I understand, it was not a silent prayer either since the girl heard him.)

³² So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. ³³ Then food was set before him, but he said, "I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say."
"Then tell us," Laban said.

Yes, do tell! They pad these scenes like I've never seen before. What should only be one or two lines is divided in many paragraphs and sometimes even chapters.

³⁴ So he said, "I am Abraham's servant. ³⁵ The LORD has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, menservants and maidservants, and camels and donkeys. ³⁶ My master's wife Sarah has borne him a son in her ^[f] old age, and he has given him everything he owns. ³⁷ And my master made me swear an oath, and said, 'You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, ³⁸ but go to my father's family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.'

"The LORD has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, menservants and maidservants, and camels and donkeys.": direct confirmation that it is God who blessed Abraham with slaves. "You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, but go to my father's family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.": well he did say to go back to his father's land, but I didn't think he actually meant to take back one of his close relatives as a wife for his son. I should have guessed though (dude married his sister).

³⁹ "Then I asked my master, 'What if the woman will not come back with me?'

I understand he's explaining that to them for the first time, but I already know about that and I'm the reader.

⁴⁰ "He replied, 'The LORD, before whom I have walked, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father's family. ⁴¹ Then, when you go to my clan, you will be released from my oath even if they refuse to give her to you—you will be released from my oath.'

What I find funny is that God is assuring the man's success, but there's the option that he could still faith. Can you go against God's will?

⁴² "When I came to the spring today, I said, 'O LORD, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. ⁴³ See, I am standing beside this spring; if a maiden comes out to draw water and I say to her, "Please let me drink a little water from your jar," ⁴⁴ and if she says to me, "Drink, and I'll draw water for your camels too," let her be the one the LORD has chosen for my master's son.'

A good book would move these scenes quicker by saying something like: "And he explained the situation to them."

⁴⁵ "Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, 'Please give me a drink.'

Well now it's getting ridiculous, they're repeating everything that has just happened. I mean, even the girl is aware of that part.

⁴⁶ "She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too.' So I drank, and she watered the camels also.

The turritopsis nutricula is a type of jellyfish which is possibly immortal since it has the ability to morph back to earlier stages of its lifecycle even after reaching sexual maturity. There's no link here, but I'm being slightly more useful than the Bible and I'm giving you potentially interesting information at least.

⁴⁷ "I asked her, 'Whose daughter are you?'
"She said, 'The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milcah bore to him.'
"Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, ⁴⁸ and I bowed down and worshiped the LORD. I praised the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master's brother for his son. ⁴⁹ Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn."

Wait, what? He actually put the ring in her nose? That part was not mentioned before. Man that's insane. He meets a stranger, puts a ring in her nose as if she was some kind of animal, then asks if he can basically kidnap her to force her in marriage with a man she never met before (who happens to be related to her). It really was a trap. In the Bible, a man can do just about anything he wants.

⁵⁰ Laban and Bethuel answered, "This is from the LORD; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. ⁵¹ Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master's son, as the LORD has directed."

That's what I thought. The LORD commanded it, so they can't do much about it, so why bring it up? (Do you realize that in one case, if they answered no, it would have meant that you could go against God's will, which isn't supposed to be a possibility from what I heard? Now that they said yes, it means that God has kind of violated their free will, since they just had no choice to refuse that demand. People will also say that God doesn't want to violate your free will as an excuse for him not showing himself or things like that. So explain that to me.)

⁵² When Abraham's servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the LORD. ⁵³ Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. ⁵⁴ Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.
When they got up the next morning, he said, "Send me on my way to my master."

You know what it looks like? It looks exactly like he bought the girl to become a wife. Women are not merchandise, they're humans and men are humans too. Yes, women are different from men, but that's just like saying men are different from women.

⁵⁵ But her brother and her mother replied, "Let the girl remain with us ten days or so; then you ^[g] may go."

What? Regretting your choice of selling your daughter to some stranger so that she will become a sex slave? (OK, not sex slave, but a woman's main function as recognized in the Bible seems to be more about making babies than anything else.)

⁵⁶ But he said to them, "Do not detain me, now that the LORD has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master."

You heartless son of a bitch! You're only thinking about yourself, aren't you? (Actually, I believe that people should think about themselves more, but you can be kind from time to time you know.)

⁵⁷ Then they said, "Let's call the girl and ask her about it." ⁵⁸ So they called Rebekah and asked her, "Will you go with this man?"
"I will go," she said.

Well, it's not like the girl has a personality.

⁵⁹ So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham's servant and his men. ⁶⁰ And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,
"Our sister, may you increase
to thousands upon thousands;
may your offspring possess
the gates of their enemies."

No need to do that. God has already blessed Abraham's descendance that way.

⁶¹ Then Rebekah and her maids got ready and mounted their camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.

Well, at least we can move on to other things now.

⁶² Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. ⁶³ He went out to the field one evening to meditate, ^[h] and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. ⁶⁴ Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel ⁶⁵ and asked the servant, "Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?"
"He is my master," the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.

So women cover themselves with veils in the Bible?

⁶⁶ Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. ⁶⁷ Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

True love, ladies and gentlemen!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 24:2 Or oldest
b. Genesis 24:7 Or seed
c. Genesis 24:10 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
d. Genesis 24:22 That is, about 1/5 ounce (about 5.5 grams)
e. Genesis 24:22 That is, about 4 ounces (about 110 grams)
f. Genesis 24:36 Or his
g. Genesis 24:55 Or she
h. Genesis 24:63 The meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.