An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 25

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 25

The Death of Abraham

¹ Abraham took ^[a] another wife, whose name was Keturah. ² She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. ³ Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan; the descendants of Dedan were the Asshurites, the Letushites and the Leummites. ⁴ The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. All these were descendants of Keturah.

Boring... As for Abraham taking another wife, I don't really have a problem with that in real life (of course, since this is the Bible he probably forced her or she couldn't say no and that I would have a problem with.

⁵ Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac. ⁶ But while he was still living, he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines and sent them away from his son Isaac to the land of the east.

Once again, polygamy in the Bible. I already said that adults who are comfortable to live that way are free to do so in my opinion, but the thing still is that many Christians speak against this while their holy book feature supposedly good men living that way.

⁷ Altogether, Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years. ⁸ Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people. ⁹ His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite, ¹⁰ the field Abraham had bought from the Hittites. ^[b] There Abraham was buried with his wife Sarah. ¹¹ After Abraham's death, God blessed his son Isaac, who then lived near Beer Lahai Roi.

OK, he lived more than 120 years, but 175 years old is not an old age to die in the Bible.

Ishmael's Sons

¹² This is the account of Abraham's son Ishmael, whom Sarah's maidservant, Hagar the Egyptian, bore to Abraham.

Ishmael? Nearly forgot about him, after all he was only Abraham's first son when the man's own wife couldn't produce one of her own.

¹³ These are the names of the sons of Ishmael, listed in the order of their birth: Nebaioth the firstborn of Ishmael, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, ¹⁴ Mishma, Dumah, Massa, ¹⁵ Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. ¹⁶ These were the sons of Ishmael, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps. ¹⁷ Altogether, Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. ¹⁸ His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward ^[c] all their brothers.

Boring once more... "His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers.": I know God said something about that earlier, but I still need a reason. Why did they live in hostility? I don't believe in just being evil with no reason, be it a valid reason or not. Well, maybe we'll hear more later...

Jacob and Esau

¹⁹ This is the account of Abraham's son Isaac.
Abraham became the father of Isaac, ²⁰ and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah daughter of Bethuel the Aramean from Paddan Aram ^[d] and sister of Laban the Aramean.

I noticed something weird though. Usually religion would have people get married at a young age in the past and maybe a bit in our days too, but in the Bible itself people don't marry at a young age. Of course, they all live past 100 years old...

²¹ Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. ²² The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, "Why is this happening to me?" So she went to inquire of the LORD.

You know, I'm beginning to think that if both Abraham and Isaac have "barren" wives, maybe the women are not the problem you know. Anyway, his prayer to the LORD seems to be answered more easily (Abraham had to do all sorts of shit) and he even gets twins. I'm not sure why his wife thinks that babies moving in her womb is out of the ordinary though.

²³ The LORD said to her,
"Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger."

That's really far-fetched you know? It's like each time I think the Bible has attained its maximum level of absurdity, it goes beyond that. Have you noticed that the LORD is stating himself that one of the two will be a slave to the other? (The older one at that! It's weird though, because I know one twin comes out before the other, but I wouldn't say he's biologically older.)

²⁴ When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. ²⁵ The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. ^{[e] 26} After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau's heel; so he was named Jacob. ^[f] Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.

"The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau.": what the fuck is fucked up with this baby? The only reason they'd describe him that way is to make him ugly, different and less likeable I guess. After all, don't forget that he's going to be the slave. And if Jacob came out grasping Esau's heel, that must have heart the mother and I don't think he came out much later than his brother.

²⁷ The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. ²⁸ Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

I can see why each parent would get along better with one of their children, sharing the same interests, but you don't have to love one and feel nothing (or hate) the other. It's not always black and white. In the Bible it is, but I mean in real life. (If you ask me though, in the primitive world described in this book, Esau is more useful.)

²⁹ Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. ³⁰ He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" (That is why he was also called Edom. ^[g] )

Is there some obsession with the color red suddenly that I don't get? If Esau is a hunter, shouldn't he be able to get his own food?

³¹ Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright."

OK, that is totally uncalled for. Dude, he's your brother and he's just asking for some of your stew. The guy is a hunter, he needs to eat (like I said, I thought he'd get his own food though) and in fact, he probably gave you the ingredients for the stew you're preparing.

³² "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?"

I knew he was famished, but about to die? Damn...

³³ But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.

Wow, Jacob is a douche. He's even taking advantage of the fact that his brother is dying to make him a slave.

³⁴ Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.

Esau didn't despise his birthright, he was dying, unless the Bible is once again teaching us that we have to endure suffering to be good. But seriously though, I'm beginning to think that he wasn't really dying in a literal way (seeing as how he can get up just after eating a bit). He was speaking like if someone does some exercise and then ask his partner: "What do we have for dinner? I thought I was gonna die there; I'm famished!" If that's the case, he didn't despise his birthright, he was stupid (slave in exchange for bread and lentil stew?)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 25:1 Or had taken
b. Genesis 25:10 Or the sons of Heth
c. Genesis 25:18 Or lived to the east of
d. Genesis 25:20 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
e. Genesis 25:25 Esau may mean hairy ; he was also called Edom, which means red.
f. Genesis 25:26 Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives ).
g. Genesis 25:30 Edom means red .