An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 26

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 26

Isaac and Abimelech

¹ Now there was a famine in the land—besides the earlier famine of Abraham's time—and Isaac went to Abimelech king of the Philistines in Gerar. ² The LORD appeared to Isaac and said, "Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. ³ Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham. ⁴ I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring ^[a] all nations on earth will be blessed, ⁵ because Abraham obeyed me and kept my requirements, my commands, my decrees and my laws." ⁶ So Isaac stayed in Gerar.

So when the Bible is not repeating itself, it's repeating itself. (With a different character.)

⁷ When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, "She is my sister," because he was afraid to say, "She is my wife." He thought, "The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful."

He does the same as his father to the same people who are still ruled by the same king. The guy must wonder why men always lie to him that their wife is their sister (well, in Abraham's case she was his sister too).

⁸ When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. ⁹ So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, "She is really your wife! Why did you say, 'She is my sister'?"
Isaac answered him, "Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her."

Same fucking thing! It's as if Isaac didn't trust in his God to protect him at all. Abimelech doesn't even seem to be that bad either; I don't think he would've done anything bad if Isaac had said the truth. I have nothing more to say at this point.

¹⁰ Then Abimelech said, "What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us."

Abimelech brings up the same type of good point as he did with Abraham. You know though, in our modern world a man wouldn't get to sleep with her without her wanting it unless he was a rapist. Thank God for secular morality! (You see what I did there, that was an ironic statement as I don't believe in God! OK, I'll shut up...)

¹¹ So Abimelech gave orders to all the people: "Anyone who molests this man or his wife shall surely be put to death."

Does Isaac also fear molestation? I thought it was for his wife. But these people are clearly God fearing since they're ready to kill anyone who touches this guy and his wife who are under God's protection.

¹² Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the LORD blessed him. ¹³ The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. ¹⁴ He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. ¹⁵ So all the wells that his father's servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the Philistines stopped up, filling them with earth.

Yeah sure, it's plausible that all the same fucking events that happened to his father would happen to him years later. I do mean ALL THE SAME.

¹⁶ Then Abimelech said to Isaac, "Move away from us; you have become too powerful for us."

He has more money than the king or what? Well I guess that Bill Gates has more money than the President of the United States himself, but nobody fears that he's too powerful and dangerous (at least I don't think so).

¹⁷ So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar and settled there. ¹⁸ Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them.

Yeah because names are so important in this book for some reason. (I hereby name my penis Stickman!) I don't see why the people would've closed the wells unless they really didn't need them. As if their city didn't grow with time and stayed just the same.

¹⁹ Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. ²⁰ But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, ^[b] because they disputed with him. ²¹ Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. ^{[c] 22} He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, ^[d] saying, "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

Man, they really name every single fucking thing according to what just happened. That's kind of understandable, but kind of weird too. And the LORD didn't give them room. I guess it's just that the people living in these lands already have enough wells now.

²³ From there he went up to Beersheba. ²⁴ That night the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham."

God already has appeared to Isaac before, so why is he presenting himself as if it was the first time? (Same thing happened with Abraham and just like his father, Isaac sees God in his dreams.)

²⁵ Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the LORD. There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.

Yep, he's following in his father's footsteps alright. But why is he digging so many wells?

²⁶ Meanwhile, Abimelech had come to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. ²⁷ Isaac asked them, "Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?"

And you lied to him potentially risking the wrath of God on his people, so what's your point?

²⁸ They answered, "We saw clearly that the LORD was with you; so we said, 'There ought to be a sworn agreement between us'-between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you ²⁹ that you will do us no harm, just as we did not molest you but always treated you well and sent you away in peace. And now you are blessed by the LORD."

So Isaac became powerful in the sense that he has enough money to gather an army and battle this king, is that it? That's why they need to make a treaty or at least that's how I understand it.

³⁰ Isaac then made a feast for them, and they ate and drank. ³¹ Early the next morning the men swore an oath to each other. Then Isaac sent them on their way, and they left him in peace.

Sure, treat your enemies (although they shouldn't be enemies) as friends and give them something to eat, but ask for your brother to become a slave in exchange for some food when he's famished.

³² That day Isaac's servants came and told him about the well they had dug. They said, "We've found water!" ³³ He called it Shibah, ^[e] and to this day the name of the town has been Beersheba. ^[f]

Maybe the town his Beersheba, but I just want beer if I am to go on!

³⁴ When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. ³⁵ They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.

Polygamy again, this time by the bad guy or at least I think he's supposed to be bad. I can't wait to learn why his wives were a source of grief for his parents.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 26:4 Or seed
b. Genesis 26:20 Esek means dispute .
c. Genesis 26:21 Sitnah means opposition .
d. Genesis 26:22 Rehoboth means room .
e. Genesis 26:33 Shibah can mean oath or seven .
f. Genesis 26:33 Beersheba can mean well of the oath or well of seven .