An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 27

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 27

Jacob Gets Isaac's Blessing

¹ When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, "My son."
"Here I am," he answered.

Is it the first time we get any sign that getting old ruins your body? Well, there was this instance of them acknowledging that an old woman wouldn't conceive, but other than that, yes it is.

² Isaac said, "I am now an old man and don't know the day of my death. ³ Now then, get your weapons—your quiver and bow—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. ⁴ Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die."

Nooooo! Isaac is dying? He was so well conceived as a character!

⁵ Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back, ⁶ Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau, ⁷ 'Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the LORD before I die.' ⁸ Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: ⁹ Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. ¹⁰ Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies."

So Rebekah was a bad guy all along? Well I guess it was obvious, she's a woman after all, just like Eve. But why wouldn't Isaac give a blessing to both his sons anyway? And I know he can't see, but he can still hear (I guess his sons are not identical twins, since one was born differently from the other, so they must have different voices).

¹¹ Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, "But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I'm a man with smooth skin. ¹² What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing."

Yeah, there's also this problem by the way. I'm glad to see Jacob is paying attention.

¹³ His mother said to him, "My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me."

So he can redirect the curse? How do you do that? And what if Jacob had just prepared this for his father randomly without trying to trick him or without even knowing about the deal? I know the chances would be pretty slim, but all I mean is that there's no reason to curse him or bless only one of his sons (unless he really does hate the other one).

¹⁴ So he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it. ¹⁵ Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. ¹⁶ She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins. ¹⁷ Then she handed to her son Jacob the tasty food and the bread she had made.

"She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins.": damn, Esau is supposed to be that hairy? I'm really confused as whether or not he's a bad guy and whether or not Jacob is a good guy.

¹⁸ He went to his father and said, "My father."
"Yes, my son," he answered. "Who is it?"

So he can't differentiate the voices of his sons.

¹⁹ Jacob said to his father, "I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game so that you may give me your blessing."

And people are always lying in this book, that's strange. They're making pretty serious lies too. (Little comment, but really they seem to like reminding us that Esau is older, but that's not true biologically as I already pointed out and anyway they came up at pretty much the same time.)

²⁰ Isaac asked his son, "How did you find it so quickly, my son?"
"The LORD your God gave me success," he replied.

Won't he find that hard to believe? Jacob and his mothers weren't smart enough to wait a little!

²¹ Then Isaac said to Jacob, "Come near so I can touch you, my son, to know whether you really are my son Esau or not."

At least he's smart, even though as I said it's strange that he can't differentiate their voices.

²² Jacob went close to his father Isaac, who touched him and said, "The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau." ²³ He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he blessed him. ²⁴ "Are you really my son Esau?" he asked.
"I am," he replied.

Seriously? He could differentiate their voices? And putting goatskin on is more convincing? Man, that's dumb. Of course he's going to confirm that he is your son, thankfully police officers are more competent than that today, well mostly... Isn't there some question you could ask him to be certain?

²⁵ Then he said, "My son, bring me some of your game to eat, so that I may give you my blessing."
Jacob brought it to him and he ate; and he brought some wine and he drank. ²⁶ Then his father Isaac said to him, "Come here, my son, and kiss me."

I thought he'd bless him after eating, but it seems I was wrong.

²⁷ So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said,
"Ah, the smell of my son
is like the smell of a field
that the LORD has blessed.

Wait, he's blessing him again!? (You know, I'm thinking that to bless him he has to get God's approval. God approves of lying and deceiving a weak old man.) It just seems like these bits are not in the right order. So he can bless multiple times, he really didn't want to bless Jacob then. What a bad father! (But what a bad son anyway.) Anyway, how can he pass over the fact that their voices aren't the same?

²⁸ May God give you of heaven's dew
and of earth's richness—
an abundance of grain and new wine.

And don't go lightly on the wine. We're trying to keep a tradition of getting so wasted that something bad or very wrong can happen to us during our moment of weakness.

²⁹ May nations serve you
and peoples bow down to you.
Be lord over your brothers,
and may the sons of your mother bow down to you.
May those who curse you be cursed
and those who bless you be blessed."

He's basically saying that Jacob will rule over the earth and everybody will be slaves to him.

³⁰ After Isaac finished blessing him and Jacob had scarcely left his father's presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting. ³¹ He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, "My father, sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing."

Awkward situation coming up!

³² His father Isaac asked him, "Who are you?"
"I am your son," he answered, "your firstborn, Esau."

Can't you recognize his voice? You'll see that this one matches your son Esau's description perfectly while the other one had something a little off about him.

³³ Isaac trembled violently and said, "Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!"

That was obviously Jacob. I know you're blind, but I'm surprised you got deceived this way. It's comparable to movies where animals dress up as humans and move around the streets undetected.

³⁴ When Esau heard his father's words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, "Bless me—me too, my father!"

I think I understand a bit better now why he couldn't give this blessing to two different people, because it pretty much makes the person into a single supreme ruler of the earth.

³⁵ But he said, "Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing."

There must be some way to negotiate with God. He's not one to encourage lies after all? Except when he does...

³⁶ Esau said, "Isn't he rightly named Jacob ^[a] ? He has deceived me these two times: He took my birthright, and now he's taken my blessing!" Then he asked, "Haven't you reserved any blessing for me?"

It does look pretty silly when he says "Haven't you reserved any blessing for me?"

³⁷ Isaac answered Esau, "I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?"

Basically, I fucked up! Is it just me or was Isaac's blessing very immoral when you look at it? Immoral and approved by God himself!

³⁸ Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud.

He has more than one blessing, but he can't give you much to compete with what he gave to Jacob. Jacob is really a son of a bitch, lazy, taking advantage of his father and Esau, you know the one son that is actually useful.

³⁹ His father Isaac answered him,
"Your dwelling will be
away from the earth's richness,
away from the dew of heaven above.

OK Isaac, don't be a jerk. You don't need to remind the guy of what he has lost by your mistake.

⁴⁰ You will live by the sword
and you will serve your brother.
But when you grow restless,
you will throw his yoke
from off your neck."

At least there's a payoff. If I was Esau, I'd be growing restless right about now. Why wait?

Jacob Flees to Laban

⁴¹ Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."

"Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him.": you'd think, right? At least that's well deserved for once. The guy just got the greatest reward ever (which I would have refused myself as I don't want slaves) and stole it from his brother."He said to himself, 'The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.'": yeah OK, but is it just me or did Esau never got around to being Jacob's slave like we were promised? He even sold his birthright years ago, didn't he? That didn't seem to do a whole lot.

⁴² When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you. ⁴³ Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Haran. ⁴⁴ Stay with him for a while until your brother's fury subsides. ⁴⁵ When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I'll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?"

"When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, 'Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you.'": how does she know that? I thought Esau was saying that to himself, but not out loud. "When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I'll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?": yeah, as is he would forget that? I thought blessings where more magical than that though. I didn't think you had to flee to avoid your brother trying to kill you so that you wouldn't get the blessing. What is Rebekah talking about when she says something about losing both of them? If Esau kills Jacob, she loses one of them only. What she means is that she'd lose the only one of them she loves.

⁴⁶ Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."

That's uncalled for (unless she's making up an explanation as to why Jacob has fled, to search for a wife). She's once again talking about Esau's wives, but we've not heard much about them and why she despised them. Probably has to do with a curse making the people of these lands evil forever and ever, after all you don't need actual valid reasons in the Bible to hate someone. But her life not being worth living for that, that would be really far-fetched, wouldn't it?

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 27:36 Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives ).