An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 21

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 21

The Birth of Isaac

¹ Now the LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did for Sarah what he had promised. ² Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. ³ Abraham gave the name Isaac ^[a] to the son Sarah bore him. ⁴ When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. ⁵ Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.

"Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.": it's not like God was very precise; he just said next year at about the same time. "Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.": I just have to get the "99 years old Abraham fucking his 90 years old wife a year earlier" image out of my head now.

⁶ Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." ⁷ And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

"God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.": believe me lady; they won't laugh with you, they'll laugh at you.

Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away

⁸ The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. ⁹ But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, ¹⁰ and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac."

I just don't know what to say about Hagar and the whole thing that happened with her (maybe because we never hear about her). In a way, it's really a sad story, because she has all the merits of giving Abraham his first son, yet she's never properly recognized. I guess was disturbs me the most is that the supposedly good guys don't even look like good guys in this story. They have slaves, Abraham doesn't care so much about his firstborn and Sarah acts like the most immoral bitch. Is Hagar supposed to be one of the bad people? I don't know, I'm confused.

¹¹ The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. ¹² But God said to him, "Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring ^[b] will be reckoned. ¹³ I will make the son of the maidservant into a nation also, because he is your offspring."

And God is not actually better as a good person or being. He takes Sarah's side and he never cared all that much about Ishmael (you know how people say he loves everybody equal), except for the promise of a nation.

¹⁴ Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the desert of Beersheba.

Man, that's cruel. I know God ordered it, but that just makes it worse. God is cruel too. So far, I've seen bad people and less bad people in this book, but not many good people (there are also those which I have no opinion about, like when there are long lists of names).

¹⁵ When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. ¹⁶ Then she went off and sat down nearby, about a bowshot away, for she thought, "I cannot watch the boy die." And as she sat there nearby, she ^[c] began to sob.

I sympathize with her; it's as if the Bible was once again encouraging suffering for promise of a reward later on.

¹⁷ God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. ¹⁸ Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation."

The angel asks "What is the matter, Hagar?" Is he serious? What's the matter? Maybe that her master who used her as a sex slave to produce a child years ago just left her to die in the deserts with no signs of God actually keeping his promise to her so far.

¹⁹ Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

That's a miracle! Or a mirage...

²⁰ God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. ²¹ While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.

Forced marriage? Why not? Women have no personality of their own, do they? So is this book the reflection of an objective morality made by a God or a reflection of the barbaric society of that era? Once again, to me it's obviously just written by men trying to explain what they didn't know and trying to justify what they wanted to do.

The Treaty at Beersheba

²² At that time Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, "God is with you in everything you do. ²³ Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you are living as an alien the same kindness I have shown to you."

Wow, Abimelech is wise. You don't fuck with him twice!

²⁴ Abraham said, "I swear it."

Let's just hope he's not lying once again. Let's not forget God is with him in everything he does, so maybe he would even cover him for falsely swearing before him.

²⁵ Then Abraham complained to Abimelech about a well of water that Abimelech's servants had seized. ²⁶ But Abimelech said, "I don't know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today."

"I don't know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today.": Abimelech sounds quite dumb in this verse though. This dialogue looks like it was written by Tommy Wiseau (anybody heard of the movie The Room?)

²⁷ So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelech, and the two men made a treaty. ²⁸ Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs from the flock, ²⁹ and Abimelech asked Abraham, "What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs you have set apart by themselves?"

I don't know, maybe because the Bible has an obsession with the number 7?

³⁰ He replied, "Accept these seven lambs from my hand as a witness that I dug this well."

I don't quite understand. Abraham is paying for a hole he dug himself? This is more like a contract, an agreement that Abimelech's servants won't take it, is that it?

³¹ So that place was called Beersheba, ^[d] because the two men swore an oath there.

Yeah, these verses lose their meaning with the various translations (of course, we have footnotes to explain that). That's part of the reason why I don't think a god who wants to be known would communicate with us this way.

³² After the treaty had been made at Beersheba, Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his forces returned to the land of the Philistines. ³³ Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and there he called upon the name of the LORD, the Eternal God. ³⁴ And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time.

Seriously when it's not God annoying Abraham, it's Abraham annoying God.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 21:3 Isaac means he laughs .
b. Genesis 21:12 Or seed
c. Genesis 21:16 Hebrew; Septuagint the child
d. Genesis 21:31 Beersheba can mean well of seven or well of the oath .