An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 20

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 20

Abraham and Abimelech

¹ Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, ² and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, "She is my sister." Then Abimelech king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.

Seriously!? He's still doing that "She is my sister." routine at such an advanced age? Why does he have to lie while he could just say that she is his wife. If they so want to kill him for that (after all, she's only old enough to be my grandmother's mother), God would protect him anyway I guess.

³ But God came to Abimelech in a dream one night and said to him, "You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman."

Is God even aware that Abraham is lying to these men?

⁴ Now Abimelech had not gone near her, so he said, "Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation? ⁵ Did he not say to me, 'She is my sister,' and didn't she also say, 'He is my brother'? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands."

I'm surprised he hasn't touched her yet, but the man is right. Abraham is a liar and he is innocent.

⁶ Then God said to him in the dream, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her. ⁷ Now return the man's wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you will live. But if you do not return her, you may be sure that you and all yours will die."

Ah, so that was God that kept this man from touching her (he could also just force the king to release her now, without killing anyone, after all he has clearly already violated the man's free will). God is being so aggressive to protect his prophet, yet the good prophet did lie. You know, instead of wasting precious time in each of these scenes, God could just protect Abraham from the beginning like I said, without going through the "She is my sister." routine.

⁸ Early the next morning Abimelech summoned all his officials, and when he told them all that had happened, they were very much afraid. ⁹ Then Abimelech called Abraham in and said, "What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done." ¹⁰ And Abimelech asked Abraham, "What was your reason for doing this?"

Yes, why did Abraham do this? That's a good question, but also why aren't they just releasing his wife right now to get this over with?

¹¹ Abraham replied, "I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.' ¹² Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. ¹³ And when God had me wander from my father's household, I said to her, 'This is how you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, "He is my brother." ' "

"There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.": ah, so God is not known everywhere. Those damn evil atheists without morals... Wait! But anyway, fear of God or not, couldn't the LORD just produce some kind of magical shield around Abraham and his wife to protect them? "Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife.": this is like some kind of sick joke right? I mean, the whole book is some kind of sick joke that people don't get. I really, really laughed when I read that. Incest, approved by God. You know that starting a whole nation from incestuous sex is not a good idea to avoid genetic diseases?

¹⁴ Then Abimelech brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. ¹⁵ And Abimelech said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like."

These men are clearly God fearing, Abraham the prophet was wrong. Or maybe just God showing up to them turned them into believers. (Why doesn't God appear directly to atheists like me to make us believers if he truly exists?)

¹⁶ To Sarah he said, "I am giving your brother a thousand shekels ^[a] of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."

Yeah, your brother and husband. Nothing wrong with it, God said so!

¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife and his slave girls so they could have children again, ¹⁸ for the LORD had closed up every womb in Abimelech's household because of Abraham's wife Sarah.

He had made them temporarily infertile? Anyway, unless this story really was longer than it seems, how could anyone have noticed that? You don't notice that you've become infertile after a night has passed you know. And why did God do that in the first place? Abraham is the one sinning with a bad lie (well truth actually, but you get my point) and others pay for it? And we're not talking about the king, but his wives and slaves too, but they're not important in this book after all (if women were considered important, then I would've brought up that taking Sarah against her will was a sin itself, but that's clearly not the crime he's accused of here).

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 20:16 That is, about 25 pounds (about 11.5 kilograms)