An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 19

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 19

Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed

¹ The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground. ² "My lords," he said, "please turn aside to your servant's house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning."
"No," they answered, "we will spend the night in the square."

Abraham and his family seem to have some kind of foot fetish...

³ But he insisted so strongly that they did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate. ⁴ Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. ⁵ They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

OK, so I guess this is finally the sin of Sodom revealed. All men, ALL men, are homosexuals. This is totally unbelievable. First of all, homosexuality is not a choice; you're born that way, so how would that be a sin? Statistics show that only a minority of people grow up to identify as homosexuals, so it would be hard to find a whole city filled with people who are (except Lot, of course). And then, there's also the fact that it's not because you're homosexual that you want to sleep with any men just like heterosexuals don't want to have sex with any woman. And they don't think about sex all the time you know. In this city, all men are homosexuals and they all want to rape these two angels. It probably means that a couple of people saw them and told everyone that they were so beautiful they were worth a fuck. It's completely unbelievable that such a thing could happen to a whole city.

⁶ Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him ⁷ and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. ⁸ Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

So rape is not the wicked thing here, it's being homosexual. How do I know that? Lot just told the men that they could do anything to his virgin daughters, it's like they're just objects and that's not the crime; Lot is the good man here. (How did he survive in a city where he was the only good man?)

⁹ "Get out of our way," they replied. And they said, "This fellow came here as an alien, and now he wants to play the judge! We'll treat you worse than them." They kept bringing pressure on Lot and moved forward to break down the door.

How horny can they be?

¹⁰ But the men inside reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and shut the door. ¹¹ Then they struck the men who were at the door of the house, young and old, with blindness so that they could not find the door.

That or they could have used the same magic to make the door unbreakable or something like that.

¹² The two men said to Lot, "Do you have anyone else here—sons-in-law, sons or daughters, or anyone else in the city who belongs to you? Get them out of here, ¹³ because we are going to destroy this place. The outcry to the LORD against its people is so great that he has sent us to destroy it."

People could actually "belong" to Lot? Oh right, slavery is condoned by the LORD! Anyway, they don't need to destroy the city, just the wicked men. Can't they do that? They just blinded all of them with magic after all. Oh well, at least no righteous people are going to be killed, but that's just because the book is so black and white that it invented some unbelievable excuse to say that everyone except Lot is bad (homosexuality is so wrong after all, it hurts you so much, doesn't it?) But what about the babies and also the women whom we almost never hear about in this book (it's like they're not even people, yet they're the same type of animals as men).

¹⁴ So Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who were pledged to marry ^[a] his daughters. He said, "Hurry and get out of this place, because the LORD is about to destroy the city!" But his sons-in-law thought he was joking.

Hey, not everyone was trying to rape the angels it seems. And of course they'd think it was a joke. God is so inefficient at killing only the right targets (I can't say it enough, why destroy the whole city, with potentially some good people in it, while you should have the powers to kill specific people instantly by magic? And homosexuality is nothing wrong, like heterosexuality is nothing wrong.)

¹⁵ With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished."

Yeah, because God is really stupid.

¹⁶ When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them. ¹⁷ As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, "Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!"

Looks like God is launching a nuke!

¹⁸ But Lot said to them, "No, my lords, ^[b] please! ¹⁹ Your ^[c] servant has found favor in your ^[d] eyes, and you ^[e] have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can't flee to the mountains; this disaster will overtake me, and I'll die. ²⁰ Look, here is a town near enough to run to, and it is small. Let me flee to it—it is very small, isn't it? Then my life will be spared."

Is he speaking metaphorically? I mean, fleeing to the mountains couldn't possibly kill him, neither could the destruction of his city. But he does bring up a point though, why use such a barbaric method to get rid of people, God?

²¹ He said to him, "Very well, I will grant this request too; I will not overthrow the town you speak of. ²² But flee there quickly, because I cannot do anything until you reach it." (That is why the town was called Zoar. ^[f] )

You cannot do anything until he reaches it? How come? You're supposed to be able to do anything! (I know it's not the LORD, but the angels that are speaking, but they work for him and could probably ask him to not kill Lot and his family and his sons-in-law too by the way.) To me, it just looks like if this story is true, it's probably speaking about a natural catastrophe that occurred and some people attributed God to it.

²³ By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. ²⁴ Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the LORD out of the heavens. ²⁵ Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. ²⁶ But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

There it is. A volcano erupted, that's all. (I understand that volcanoes must have been very impressing to people at the time. It just seems like only a god could produce such intense rage from the earth. Of course, we understand how they work nowadays. They're still impressive though, I'll give them that.) "But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.": you mean the angels' warnings were real? If only they had told Lot and his family that turning back would turn you into a pillar of salt, I think they would've understood more clearly. And there's no way Lot would know his wife turned into a pillar of salt unless he looked back too (OK, maybe she was ahead of him when she looked back; you see, I'm helping you make sense of it here, I'm kind like that).

²⁷ Early the next morning Abraham got up and returned to the place where he had stood before the LORD. ²⁸ He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land of the plain, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace.

Yep, definitely looks like some kind of natural catastrophe like a volcano.

²⁹ So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham, and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived.

Yeah, God is good... Thanks, I guess.

Lot and His Daughters

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. ³¹ One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. ³² Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."

"Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar.": I understand the man; God is completely irrational and will kill you over nothing. He could even kill you if he decides the place is too wicked, Lot was lucky to get out this time. "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.": I don't even know what to say. I'm at chapter 19 and I'm still impressed by these things. How strange is it to say that sleeping with men is a "custom"? But more importantly, once again there is a case of getting a man drunk with wine, drunk beyond all belief. This time, it's even more unbelievable, because we have two virgins deciding to basically rape their father, committing incest (once again we find this in the Bible), in order to continue their lineage. I'm sure they could've moved to another place and find other more suitable men. But you know what the biggest problem in all of this is? Men can't get an erection when they're drunk. I'm not talking about a little bit drunk, but if you're drunk enough to get raped by your daughters, you definitely won't get an erection. It's totally true and if you're a man, you either already know this or you can try for yourself (not sleeping with your daughters, but getting wasted and trying to fuck your wife, for example). If you're telling me that God made it happen, don't you realize this is even worse?

³³ That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

You'd have to be pretty much in a coma not to realize that. Not only can you die from this, but you definitely won't fuck.

³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." ³⁵ So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

They're going to ruin their father's liver if they keep at it. The guy must realize that his daughters are getting him drunk at least. I guess they're hiding it because he wouldn't want them to sleep with him (meaning incest is probably wrong to good men even if it's not the first instance we see of that in the Bible). But the way I understand it so far, you can't go against God's will when it comes to having babies, at least I think so from Abraham and his wife (which God blessed to get her pregnant). So if the daughters get pregnant, that's because God accepts it.

³⁶ So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father. ³⁷ The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab ^[g] ; he is the father of the Moabites of today. ³⁸ The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi ^[h] ; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.

I can just imagine Lot wondering: "How the fuck did they get pregnant?" And then he died of cirrhosis.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 19:14 Or were married to
b. Genesis 19:18 Or No, Lord; or No, my lord
c. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
d. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
e. Genesis 19:19 The Hebrew is singular.
f. Genesis 19:22 Zoar means small .
g. Genesis 19:37 Moab sounds like the Hebrew for from father .
h. Genesis 19:38 Ben-Ammi means son of my people .