An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 18

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 18

The Three Visitors

¹ The LORD appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day. ² Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground.

OK, there are definitely more angels than one it seems. Why is it that Abraham is always alone, in the heat, sleeping, strained from efforts or something like that when God appears to him?

³ He said, "If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, ^[a] do not pass your servant by. ⁴ Let a little water be brought, and then you may all wash your feet and rest under this tree. ⁵ Let me get you something to eat, so you can be refreshed and then go on your way—now that you have come to your servant."
"Very well," they answered, "do as you say."

You know, it's strange for me to think of God or angels or whatever needing to be washed and rest, also eat. It's such a strange concept for supernatural beings, perfect beings. But as you may know, God is basically a projection of the believer's own mind.

⁶ So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah. "Quick," he said, "get three seahs ^[b] of fine flour and knead it and bake some bread."

Come on female, do something! Make yourself useful for me and don't ask me why!

⁷ Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it. ⁸ He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.

If I am to understand that these... angels eat, should I understand that when animal sacrifices are made, God eats too? He drinks their blood? Oh my God, God is a vampire! That all makes sense! Oh wait, it doesn't...

⁹ "Where is your wife Sarah?" they asked him.
"There, in the tent," he said.

Why, do they want to rape her? After all, she's only a 90+ years old beauty!

¹⁰ Then the LORD ^[c] said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son."
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master ^[d] is old, will I now have this pleasure?"

At least, I see that the writer of this passage knew that women couldn't have babies past a certain age, but what's up with the Bible always repeating itself? For many different events and in fact, some statements are repeated through different events as if the previous event where they were said never occurred. It's not like the writer could have forgotten about it, it was written in just the previous chapter. Well, that's because there's not one writer, but many writers. How can that be inspired by God? God would never communicate in such a way for obvious reasons.

¹³ Then the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the LORD ? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

Yeah, why should people laugh at what the LORD says? I already said that it does tell you something about your God when people directly in his presence would laugh at him. But has the LORD forgotten that Abraham did before the same as Sarah just did?

¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, "I did not laugh."
But he said, "Yes, you did laugh."

And they even lie in his face. That's not just the Bible telling you that humans are stupid. I think there's more to that. I see the Bible describing a God that's ridiculous and doesn't deserve the respect that people give him today.

Abraham Pleads for Sodom

¹⁶ When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, and Abraham walked along with them to see them on their way. ¹⁷ Then the LORD said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do? ¹⁸ Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. ¹⁹ For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

Wow, this is seriously one of the stranger things I've read so far in this book. Is the LORD speaking to his angels, asking them for advice? It's like a politician and his counselors, another case of the Bible showing a projection of humans, not of a God. You know what's more weird in this passage though? It just seems like God is afraid of Abraham, as if he could stop him or make him change his mind. I mean, he's God, he already knows everything that could and will happen so Abraham can't do anything against him.

²⁰ Then the LORD said, "The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous ²¹ that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know."

What sin? They only talk about them sinning, but we don't know what they're doing wrong. And isn't God omnipresent? He doesn't need to send angels to report back to him, it's like running an administration and that's just ridiculous. (Take it as more evidence that the Bible was written by men, no inspiration from a real God.)

²² The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the LORD. ^{[e] 23} Then Abraham approached him and said: "Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? ²⁴ What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare ^[f] the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? ²⁵ Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge ^[g] of all the earth do right?"

Yeah, I'm with Abraham here. Furthermore, God could kill only the wicked instead of everyone if he wanted to. We sometimes (or often) kill innocents by bombing enemy territories, but that's only because we have no other choices (or our politicians are evil), we're not perfect beings and we don't have the required powers to select who to kill precisely.

²⁶ The LORD said, "If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake."

Anyway, how wicked are the people to require the wiping out of their city?

²⁷ Then Abraham spoke up again: "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, ²⁸ what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city because of five people?"
"If I find forty-five there," he said, "I will not destroy it."

Good to know, you can actually negotiate with God.

²⁹ Once again he spoke to him, "What if only forty are found there?"
He said, "For the sake of forty, I will not do it."

OK, I'm seeing a pattern here. It's one of "those" passages in the Bible.

³⁰ Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?"
He answered, "I will not do it if I find thirty there."

OK, just say how low you will go already. (And why isn't Abraham smart enough to ask the same questions as I did?)

³¹ Abraham said, "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?"
He said, "For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it."

Anyway, I can't think of a city without at least 20 or even 50 good people. What are God's standards if finding just 20 good people seems like a hard task?

³² Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?"
He answered, "For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it."

Why does Abraham want to stop at ten? I'd have gone lower. Actually, can there be reason enough for God to destroy the city if even only 1 person is righteous? If the answer is yes, it makes me doubt that humanity was so bad when he unleashed a flood on the earth.

³³ When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.

Ah, but the LORD can't leave, for he is everywhere!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 18:3 Or O Lord
b. Genesis 18:6 That is, probably about 20 quarts (about 22 liters)
c. Genesis 18:10 Hebrew Then he
d. Genesis 18:12 Or husband
e. Genesis 18:22 Masoretic Text; an ancient Hebrew scribal tradition but the LORD remained standing before Abraham
f. Genesis 18:24 Or forgive ; also in verse 26
g. Genesis 18:25 Or Ruler