An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 17

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 17

The Covenant of Circumcision

¹ When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am God Almighty ^[a] ; walk before me and be blameless. ² I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers."

I find it laughable how God appears to Abram as if it was the first time and he didn't know him while we all know that he's constantly annoying him. God is asking a human a lot when we know that he considers this species to be one of the most abominable things he created; he wants Abram to be blameless (easier to understand as perfect in other translations, which only God is supposed to be by the way). Now, why did God wait so long to confirm his covenant with Abram? I mean, he already had the time to have a child with another woman since then, which I was beginning to think was him fulfilling his promise actually (let's not forget that even the numerous descendants part of the deal is fulfilled since Hagar was promised to get lots of them, well unless it was with other men).

³ Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, ⁴ "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. ⁵ No longer will you be called Abram ^[b] ; your name will be Abraham, ^[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. ⁶ I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. ⁷ I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. ⁸ The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God."

"Abram fell facedown": Ha ha ha ha ha! "No longer will you be called Abram ; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations.": once again, what is it with the Bible and names? I can just imagine the scene when he came back home to his wife: "Hi honey! Hi, where were you? Oh I just met God; prepare yourself, it looks like you're going to be pregnant soon! Sweet, I knew he would help us! Oh, also my name is now Abraham, so please call me by this name from now on, OK?" I mean, this is ridiculous! My name is Bobby, it probably means something, but I'm not named Bobby for a particular reason other than my parents chose that name and thought it would be OK. "The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God.": I will repeat myself, don't make a promise you can't keep! And I do have the right to repeat myself, because not only was this promise already stated before, but God just now promised twice in a row (in two consecutive sentences) that he would be Abram's people's God. Does he think he's that important? In all seriousness though, this does bring up the question: are the other gods to have? It looks like God is making a deal with the people to worship him exclusively, as if there were other gods around for other people. This comes in direct contradiction with the belief that there is only one God, which is what the believers of this book will tell you.

⁹ Then God said to Abraham, "As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. ¹⁰ This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised. ¹¹ You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. ¹² For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring. ¹³ Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised. My covenant in your flesh is to be an everlasting covenant. ¹⁴ Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant."

"For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring.": ouch, I wonder how well that passed to tell his people that every little boy would have to get his foreskin removed. Anyway, people nowadays can be believers without doing that, because people choose for themselves which part of the Bible they think is true, which makes it pointless. The most important part to note is that God directly speaks of people you buy with money. He's talking about slaves; don't even try to deny it. "Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.": how about that you believers out there who aren't circumcised (I myself am not circumcised)? And what is God thinking? He said you do that at 8 days old. Now, he must know that an 8 days old baby can't decide for himself whether or some skin on his penis is cut off. It isn't his fault and he's punished for that. And let me just tell you this is plain ridiculous. Why make humans be born that way if you want them to remove some skin after that (I guess this is to distinguish those who chose to follow his covenant from those who didn't, at 8 days old). Also, this is a barbaric procedure since we know in our modern days that the foreskin which is cut off during circumcision contains highly erogenous nerve endings. Yes it does happen that the foreskin needs to be removed for medical reasons and if that ever happens to me it won't be a punition from God for me talking against it now. It just happens and only when the need arises should you proceed with the operation. Cutting the foreskin on a baby who can't even speak for himself, making the choice for him that he won't be able to feel the same things as he should have during sexual intercourse ever, that's immoral.

¹⁵ God also said to Abraham, "As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. ¹⁶ I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her."

Another name change, why? But more importantly, I just think that what might've happened was that an old woman (though probably not as old as the book says) became pregnant for the first time in her life and they attributed a miracle to it and built a story around it, implying God in the process somehow (I'm not saying the whole Bible is designed around that woman, but Abram's story could be). We know with modern science that this can happen naturally although very rarely (we've seen women over 60 up to 70 give birth to babies). Maybe the woman was not very fertile, but not completely infertile and maybe she was not in her menopause yet. Our bodies do strange things from time to time and fertility specialists can now examine you to determine if you have any eggs left if you are a woman, instead of saying it's magic.

¹⁷ Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?" ¹⁸ And Abraham said to God, "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!"

Damn, Abraham speaks to God directly and knows what he's able to do, yet he has doubts? It says something about your God, doesn't it? And yeah, what about Ishmael? It's as if he was never that important to Abraham and God before.

¹⁹ Then God said, "Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. ^[d] I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. ²⁰ And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. ²¹ But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year." ²² When he had finished speaking with Abraham, God went up from him.

"And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation.": I thought Ishmael was already promised that, through his mother at least. Was she not important at all? "But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year.": that whole covenant thing is pretty weird. Ishmael is not part of the covenant, but he is blessed by God. He lives with Abraham, yet anyone not part of the covenant should not be with his people.

²³ On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him. ²⁴ Abraham was ninety-nine years old when he was circumcised, ²⁵ and his son Ishmael was thirteen; ²⁶ Abraham and his son Ishmael were both circumcised on that same day. ²⁷ And every male in Abraham's household, including those born in his household or bought from a foreigner, was circumcised with him.

"On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him.": must have been hard to explain to them. Why is Ishmael being circumcised? You know, Ishmael isn't part of the covenant, but the whole point of circumcision is to be part of the covenant.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 17:1 Hebrew El-Shaddai
b. Genesis 17:5 Abram means exalted father .
c. Genesis 17:5 Abraham means father of many .
d. Genesis 17:19 Isaac means he laughs .