An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 32

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 32

Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau

¹ Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. ² When Jacob saw them, he said, "This is the camp of God!" So he named that place Mahanaim. ^[a]

Man, God is taking so much space on this earth! In fact, I'm beginning to think he alone is responsible for overpopulation.

³ Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. ⁴ He instructed them: "This is what you are to say to my master Esau: 'Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. ⁵ I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, menservants and maidservants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.' "

In what way is Jacob Esau's servant? If anything, he made the guy the ultimate slave and tricked him every chance he had since his birth; I don't think he can buy him now.

⁶ When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, "We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him."

Doesn't look to good for Jacob. I hope you learn a lesson for once; that's how one grows up. Of course, his lesson probably involves getting killed, so I don't think he'll learn much, but there comes a point where you've just done too much in your life.

⁷ In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, ^[b] and the flocks and herds and camels as well. ⁸ He thought, "If Esau comes and attacks one group, ^[c] the group ^[d] that is left may escape."

Jacob the coward, not wanting to get punished for his bad actions, thinks he can sacrifice some people to get away.

⁹ Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, 'Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,' ¹⁰ I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups. ¹¹ Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. ¹² But you have said, 'I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.' "

I guess God is forced by contract to help him, since Jacob was blessed, even if he's bad. (That's a case of going against God's will.) Jacob should know though that God is known to lie and not keep his promises.

¹³ He spent the night there, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: ¹⁴ two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, ¹⁵ thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. ¹⁶ He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, "Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds."

Cool gift, but I guess your brother could just kill you, get his revenge and keep them anyway.

¹⁷ He instructed the one in the lead: "When my brother Esau meets you and asks, 'To whom do you belong, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?' ¹⁸ then you are to say, 'They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.' "

It's a trap!

¹⁹ He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: "You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. ²⁰ And be sure to say, 'Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.' " For he thought, "I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me." ²¹ So Jacob's gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp.

I would be pretty disappointed in Esau or Edom or whatever his name is if he were to just accept the gifts after what his brother had done to him. (I'm not advocating violence in our modern world; we're a lot more civilized now. Except when we go to war...)

Jacob Wrestles With God

²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

What the fuck is suddenly happening here?

²⁷ The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

Happens to me all the time. A man comes out of nowhere, starts wrestling with me until daybreak and then asks for my name after I request a blessing. (Seriously still, what the fuck is going on?)

²⁸ Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

So Israel means "he struggles with God"? Strange. But am I to understand then that this unknown man is God? (See, God did come on the earth in an ordinary man body before Jesus.)

²⁹ Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

Maybe he's asking for your name because you're fucking strange (and why did Jacob, whom the Bible forgot he was renamed Israel just now, expect an unknown man who decides to wrestle with him to bless him? I know it turned out to be God, but he didn't know that.) So the man really is God, making it all the more strange that he's unable to overpower another man. And what was the purpose of this attack? I thought God has made a very odd request when he asked Abraham to kill his son Isaac, but not that's just the weirdest thing I could ever imagine: God coming on the earth as a human, suddenly wrestling against a man, not even being able to win the match and then bless the guy personally for him to let you go.

³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel, ^[f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

It doesn't say your life was spared, it says you were more powerful than God basically. I guess you're not all that God fearing now, huh?

³¹ The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, ^[g] and he was limping because of his hip. ³² Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

Thanks God, you've been a real nice guy damaging Jacob's hip like that. But why the fuck would Israelites stop eating the tendon attached to the socket of the hip just because God wrestled Jacob and wounded him there? God himself didn't even say that it was a law; so it just seems like a weird, unpractical, irrational habit.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 32:2 Mahanaim means two camps .
b. Genesis 32:7 Or camps ; also in verse 10
c. Genesis 32:8 Or camp
d. Genesis 32:8 Or camp
e. Genesis 32:28 Israel means he struggles with God .
f. Genesis 32:30 Peniel means face of God .
g. Genesis 32:31 Hebrew Penuel , a variant of Peniel

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 31

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 31

Jacob Flees From Laban

¹ Jacob heard that Laban's sons were saying, "Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father." ² And Jacob noticed that Laban's attitude toward him was not what it had been.

I know Laban was not the best guy towards Jacob, but Jacob himself has done worse now and he had done other bad things before. I don't see Laban's sons stating the facts as an issue personally.

³ Then the LORD said to Jacob, "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you."

Sure you'll be with him. I think you don't care about lies and tricks anymore. In fact, you never cared about them it seems.

⁴ So Jacob sent word to Rachel and Leah to come out to the fields where his flocks were. ⁵ He said to them, "I see that your father's attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. ⁶ You know that I've worked for your father with all my strength, ⁷ yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me. ⁸ If he said, 'The speckled ones will be your wages,' then all the flocks gave birth to speckled young; and if he said, 'The streaked ones will be your wages,' then all the flocks bore streaked young. ⁹ So God has taken away your father's livestock and has given them to me.

But you're the one who tricked him the most, that's what you're not telling. What kind of God is you father's God to be on your side?

¹⁰ "In breeding season I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats mating with the flock were streaked, speckled or spotted. ¹¹ The angel of God said to me in the dream, 'Jacob.' I answered, 'Here I am.' ¹² And he said, 'Look up and see that all the male goats mating with the flock are streaked, speckled or spotted, for I have seen all that Laban has been doing to you. ¹³ I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and where you made a vow to me. Now leave this land at once and go back to your native land.' "

You know what? I think Jacob is just inventing this God for his own purposes and to justify what happened. Anyway, I don't think a God that knows everything would really send Jacob back to a place where he's supposed to get killed by his own brother if he really wants to protect him.

¹⁴ Then Rachel and Leah replied, "Do we still have any share in the inheritance of our father's estate? ¹⁵ Does he not regard us as foreigners? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us. ¹⁶ Surely all the wealth that God took away from our father belongs to us and our children. So do whatever God has told you."

Yep, just imagine it like that: Jacob buys his wives from Laban, but in exchange he ruins the guy. Jacob is the good guy in this story folks, that says a lot. Not a single "good guy" so far has been really moral.

¹⁷ Then Jacob put his children and his wives on camels, ¹⁸ and he drove all his livestock ahead of him, along with all the goods he had accumulated in Paddan Aram, ^[a] to go to his father Isaac in the land of Canaan.

Jacob, the common thief! (OK, he didn't steal anything directly, but that's pretty close and his behavior of running away is that of a thief or someone who knows he has done something bad.)

¹⁹ When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father's household gods. ²⁰ Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away. ²¹ So he fled with all he had, and crossing the River, ^[b] he headed for the hill country of Gilead.

"When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father's household gods.": Rachel is a thief now too, according to her husband who got the LORD's approval. I've seen the words "gods" being "images" or "idols" in other translations. Here it's just plain weird anyway. "Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away.": yeah, it's pretty clear now he's the good guy.

Laban Pursues Jacob

²² On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. ²³ Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. ²⁴ Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, "Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad."

Oh I see, censorship! Why not, God is on Jacob's side after all? Isn't it ironic though that Jacob, the leader approved by God, is protected from what people say about him, yet I don't think Christians would like their free speech right to be limited that way even if they thought their leader was approved by God? (I wonder why saying something good is censored by God here though.)

²⁵ Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. ²⁶ Then Laban said to Jacob, "What have you done? You've deceived me, and you've carried off my daughters like captives in war. ²⁷ Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn't you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps? ²⁸ You didn't even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters good-by. You have done a foolish thing. ²⁹ I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, 'Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.' ³⁰ Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father's house. But why did you steal my gods?"

"Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn't you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps?": that can be answered easily. It's a custom he picked up from his father and his grandfather before that who did something similar in a way when they searched for hospitality in a new country telling a big lie when entering it instead of being honest and making everything clear.

³¹ Jacob answered Laban, "I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force. ³² But if you find anyone who has your gods, he shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it." Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.

Uh oh!

³³ So Laban went into Jacob's tent and into Leah's tent and into the tent of the two maidservants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah's tent, he entered Rachel's tent. ³⁴ Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel's saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.

It seems weird that he would visit Leah's tent and then the slaves' tents before Rachel, but nothing to talk about I guess. But there is something to talk about Rachel. I'm quite proud of her, she's learned a lot from Jacob. I wonder when she hid the "gods" there, but I'm proud of her. Let's just hope Laban is not smart enough, because that's exactly where I'd search after that myself.

³⁵ Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods.

Well, if he falls for that trick, he deserves to not get his stuff back. I'd have checked anyway (I guess a girl in her period is a pretty bad thing to be near in this book).

³⁶ Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. "What is my crime?" he asked Laban. "What sin have I committed that you hunt me down? ³⁷ Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.

"What sin have I committed that you hunt me down?": you do lie and trick people. I don't know if it's a sin, but it doesn't seem perfect at least.

³⁸ "I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. ³⁹ I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. ⁴⁰ This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. ⁴¹ It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. ⁴² If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you."

Damn Jacob is good to make you feel guilty, isn't he? (By the way, he should have just gone somewhere else; it's not like he needs to work that hard to get a woman or two.) I never said Laban was perfect, but the main reason why I don't root for Jacob is that he was already a deceiver, I just saw what happened to him as a just punition and even then he found a way to cheat. (I know Laban didn't tell him not to breed his sheeps the way he did, so Jacob played by the rules in a way, but telling you everything that you shouldn't do is impossible anyway. It's true that only God is keeping Laban from harming Jacob and quite frankly, I don't know why he would be protecting either guy.)

⁴³ Laban answered Jacob, "The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne? ⁴⁴ Come now, let's make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us."

Laban, having been tricked, can't do much you know. He really lost his flocks to a cheap trick (I don't suggest you try that kind of thing against your own boss in real life). The father of Jacob's wives was effectively ruined by Jacob himself.

⁴⁵ So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar. ⁴⁶ He said to his relatives, "Gather some stones." So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap. ⁴⁷ Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, ^[c] and Jacob called it Galeed. ^[d]

I'm glad deals today are concluded with the signing of a contract. Could you imagine two guys in an office making a stone pillar to conclude a deal?

⁴⁸ Laban said, "This heap is a witness between you and me today." That is why it was called Galeed. ⁴⁹ It was also called Mizpah, ^[e] because he said, "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. ⁵⁰ If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me."

Laban just seems like an honest good guy here, thinking about his daughter. He makes a mistake though when he says that Jacob shouldn't take any more wives. What about concubines?

⁵¹ Laban also said to Jacob, "Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me. ⁵² This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me. ⁵³ May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us."
So Jacob took an oath in the name of the Fear of his father Isaac. ⁵⁴ He offered a sacrifice there in the hill country and invited his relatives to a meal. After they had eaten, they spent the night there.

I really hare when the Bible talks about these promises and these clear limits made on the earth for different types of people. This kind of thing is the basis for many wars today, thousands of years after the fact (not that I think this book features many facts if any).

⁵⁵ Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.

Really sad and he doesn't know that his daughter tricked him. That also means he didn't get his "gods" back.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 31:18 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
b. Genesis 31:21 That is, the Euphrates
c. Genesis 31:47 The Aramaic Jegar Sahadutha means witness heap .
d. Genesis 31:47 The Hebrew Galeed means witness heap .
e. Genesis 31:49 Mizpah means watchtower .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 30

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 30

¹ When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!"

Just calm down lady! I know the biological clock is ticking, but you're not going to die. Well, eventually, but not from being "barren". (The Bible always seems to talk of women as baby producing machines. People today decide whether or not they want any children and not wanting any should not be judged by anyone.)

² Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?"

Children are actually produced by a sperm meeting an ovum. People of different faiths can produce them (so it doesn't require the blessing of a specific God at least) and if you are to say that God produces them, then fertility clinics are actually sometimes more powerful than God himself (oh yeah, I know you're going to say he helps them).

³ Then she said, "Here is Bilhah, my maidservant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and that through her I too can build a family."

Yeah, because it worked so well for Abraham. The Bible so far has been an account of God making the same types of mistakes over and over, but also humans doing the same mistakes over and over (or actually exactly the same things).

⁴ So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, ⁵ and she became pregnant and bore him a son. ⁶ Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan. ^[a]

She might have given you a son, but genetically speaking you don't have any legacy on this earth. (Do you realize here that a slave is forced to have sex, produce a baby and lose that baby as if it wasn't hers? That's the Bible everyone!)

⁷ Rachel's servant Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. ⁸ Then Rachel said, "I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won." So she named him Naphtali. ^[b]

Won which battle? Whoever produced the first child to Jacob? Her sister won that. Whoever produces the most children? Her sister won that. In fact, technically speaking Rachel doesn't do a single thing for Jacob, thank God (literally) she has a slave.

⁹ When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her maidservant Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. ¹⁰ Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a son. ¹¹ Then Leah said, "What good fortune!" ^[c] So she named him Gad. ^[d]

So Leah was "barren" now? I guess she just hit "that" age. It's funny how not it has transformed in a battle which sister's slave will produce the most children!

¹² Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. ¹³ Then Leah said, "How happy I am! The women will call me happy." So she named him Asher. ^[e]

Yes, she's happy! All she needs are children! (Or is it because she's getting back at her sister?)

¹⁴ During wheat harvest, Reuben went out into the fields and found some mandrake plants, which he brought to his mother Leah. Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's mandrakes."

Just to stay on the safe side, I'm going to say "It's a trap!"

¹⁵ But she said to her, "Wasn't it enough that you took away my husband? Will you take my son's mandrakes too?"
"Very well," Rachel said, "he can sleep with you tonight in return for your son's mandrakes."

She's making her husband sleep with her sister (which is also his wife) in exchange for mandrakes? I'm not even sure what to point out as wrong here, but something isn't working out. I mean, Jacob must sleep with each of his wives from time to time. I hope he does, because if he doesn't I understand why it was hard to produce children.

¹⁶ So when Jacob came in from the fields that evening, Leah went out to meet him. "You must sleep with me," she said. "I have hired you with my son's mandrakes." So he slept with her that night.

He must have found that weird, but she's his wife and a man will rarely refuse to sleep with a woman, so...

¹⁷ God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son. ¹⁸ Then Leah said, "God has rewarded me for giving my maidservant to my husband." So she named him Issachar. ^[f]

That's what I thought! The Bible equates sleeping with a woman to producing children. I'm not saying that's not the truth, but the whole deal Rachel made seems basically to be that she'd let Jacob sleep with Leah to make her a child. Sometimes you sleep once with a woman and she becomes pregnant, sometimes not and it takes more than that. All I'm saying is the Bible seems really ignorant, showing that it was written by people from a primitive society who didn't understand much about their world. (And that's seriously messed up that they're saying God approved of her giving her slave to Jacob.)

¹⁹ Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son. ²⁰ Then Leah said, "God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons." So she named him Zebulun. ^[g]

Yeah, because six children is the minimum amount you should produce for a man you love!

²¹ Some time later she gave birth to a daughter and named her Dinah.

I think that's why guys in this book always have to sleep with random girls from their own family. That's because a lot more men are born than women. I mean a LOT. Modern statistics (which I do realize are not valid proofs of anything, but still) tell us that yes, more male babies are born around the world, but barely more than females (not even twice as much, actually 1.07 according to what I've seen).

²² Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. ²³ She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." ²⁴ She named him Joseph, ^[h] and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."

Just like he did for Sarah, Abraham's wife. (By the way, I always find a line saying "Then God remembered..." to be funny!) Anyway, Rachel finally produced a child of her own, because before that she was useless of course. I just hope not everybody will follow the Bible's advice to populate more and more, because the earth will soon be very hard to live on with the limited resources and all if we keep overpopulating.

Jacob's Flocks Increase

²⁵ After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jacob said to Laban, "Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland. ²⁶ Give me my wives and children, for whom I have served you, and I will be on my way. You know how much work I've done for you."

Anyway, he can't retain a man with God's protection against his will, can he?

²⁷ But Laban said to him, "If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that ^[i] the LORD has blessed me because of you." ²⁸ He added, "Name your wages, and I will pay them."

I thought Laban was actually acting badly towards Jacob all along. Was I mistaken here, because I just never can tell who the good guy in these stories is? I just hope that the holy book a lot of people count on as a moral guide is not as bad as I think it is. (Not that Laban has been so immoral but he seems like a jerk at least.)

²⁹ Jacob said to him, "You know how I have worked for you and how your livestock has fared under my care. ³⁰ The little you had before I came has increased greatly, and the LORD has blessed you wherever I have been. But now, when may I do something for my own household?"

But Jacob shall not forget that his brother wants to kill him, for good reasons, so he'd better stay for a while more. (It's not like God would actually protect him.)

³¹ "What shall I give you?" he asked.
"Don't give me anything," Jacob replied. "But if you will do this one thing for me, I will go on tending your flocks and watching over them: ³² Let me go through all your flocks today and remove from them every speckled or spotted sheep, every dark-colored lamb and every spotted or speckled goat. They will be my wages. ³³ And my honesty will testify for me in the future, whenever you check on the wages you have paid me. Any goat in my possession that is not speckled or spotted, or any lamb that is not dark-colored, will be considered stolen."

So don't give me anything, but give me these sheeps? Is that it?

³⁴ "Agreed," said Laban. "Let it be as you have said." ³⁵ That same day he removed all the male goats that were streaked or spotted, and all the speckled or spotted female goats (all that had white on them) and all the dark-colored lambs, and he placed them in the care of his sons. ³⁶ Then he put a three-day journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob continued to tend the rest of Laban's flocks.

I smell a trap! Laban, you're probably being deceived by Jacob. You know what's worse? Just think about it, people in the Bible tend to be named for the situation in which they were born or for what they're like. Laban would know that Jacob's name actually means (speaking and understanding Hebrew) that he will deceive you. He should take extra precaution, especially considering that Jacob didn't insist much on going back home after a little convincing.

³⁷ Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. ³⁸ Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, ³⁹ they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted. ⁴⁰ Jacob set apart the young of the flock by themselves, but made the rest face the streaked and dark-colored animals that belonged to Laban. Thus he made separate flocks for himself and did not put them with Laban's animals. ⁴¹ Whenever the stronger females were in heat, Jacob would place the branches in the troughs in front of the animals so they would mate near the branches, ⁴² but if the animals were weak, he would not place them there. So the weak animals went to Laban and the strong ones to Jacob. ⁴³ In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys.

So many things to say here. This is just about the strangest thing I've ever heard. I'm not even going to explain the biology to people who just don't get how we can explain genetic differences scientifically, which is a better explanation than magic. If you believe that Jacob did that and it happened, I can't say much. You're wrong. But speaking of Jacob, I actually like the guy, because he's smart (assuming that his magic method works) and he never runs out of tricks. But that's because I like immoral anti heroes like that. He should not be a man approved by God, not more than his brother at least.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 30:6 Dan here means he has vindicated .
b. Genesis 30:8 Naphtali means my struggle .
c. Genesis 30:11 Or "A troop is coming!"
d. Genesis 30:11 Gad can mean good fortune or a troop .
e. Genesis 30:13 Asher means happy .
f. Genesis 30:18 Issachar sounds like the Hebrew for reward .
g. Genesis 30:20 Zebulun probably means honor .
h. Genesis 30:24 Joseph means may he add .
i. Genesis 30:27 Or possibly have become rich and

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 29

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 29

Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram

¹ Then Jacob continued on his journey and came to the land of the eastern peoples. ² There he saw a well in the field, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. The stone over the mouth of the well was large. ³ When all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone away from the well's mouth and water the sheep. Then they would return the stone to its place over the mouth of the well.

One thing I don't get either about this book is how sometimes you get this information that seems completely random and serve no purpose at all in understanding what God is trying to tell you.

⁴ Jacob asked the shepherds, "My brothers, where are you from?"
"We're from Haran," they replied.

Good! That's where he's headed, please go on.

⁵ He said to them, "Do you know Laban, Nahor's grandson?"
"Yes, we know him," they answered.

I see that some actual mistakes are corrected in this translation. Some translations say that Laban is the son of Nahor (which contradicts the previous chapter). (Update: I was totally unaware of that, but I've seen sites where people say that only the King James version of the Bible is the actual accurate representation of the word of God and that the NIV is less accurate and completely evil. I'm not going to comment on both why that's stupid and false, but all I can say is that the King James version is one of those translations that feature an actual mistake here. It also contains more actual mistakes in some other places. Side commment: the King James version is also much harder to read, unlike what "those sites" say, because it's written in a way that's not around anymore.)

⁶ Then Jacob asked them, "Is he well?"
"Yes, he is," they said, "and here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep."

Well, she's done for now that she showed up in front of a man searching for a wife...

⁷ "Look," he said, "the sun is still high; it is not time for the flocks to be gathered. Water the sheep and take them back to pasture."

I'd punch the guy if I was one of the shepherds. They probably know more than he thinks about sheeps.

⁸ "We can't," they replied, "until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep."

That's right, put the little jerk in his place!

⁹ While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. ¹⁰ When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep. ¹¹ Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud. ¹² He had told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father.

"When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep.": you know, sometimes it doesn't seem like the Bible is written in chronological order and I could live with that. But sometimes it looks like the next sentence is not even placed in the correct order. Here we have one instance where they say that Jacob just saw Rachel, but only three verses earlier she was presented to him. "Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud.": hmm, are they married now?

¹³ As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister's son, he hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home, and there Jacob told him all these things. ¹⁴ Then Laban said to him, "You are my own flesh and blood."

OK, I retract my earlier comment since I think it's obvious now that they're regular non-binding kisses. Unless he's married to Laban too now?

Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel

After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, ¹⁵ Laban said to him, "Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be."

Well, you do have a daughter...

¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak ^[a] eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel."

"Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful.": what a poorly written verse. (It does make more sense if the footnotes are right and Leah had "delicate" instead of "weak" eyes.) "Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, 'I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.'": he's in love with her? Well, what'd you expect!? (Have you noticed that we never know how women feel about the situation?) I personally think Jacob is getting a bad deal, because from what I've seen so far, if you want a woman you get one.

¹⁹ Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me." ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

"Laban said, 'It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.': yes, after all she's your cousin!

²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her."

I love these guys! No such thing as being subtle...

²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant.

Of course, Jacob loves Rachel, but he doesn't mind spending a night with her sister!

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"

Wait, so was he aware that he slept with Leah?

²⁶ Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work."

Seriously, he seemed like a nice guy. Why didn't he at least warn him about that custom? (I guess Jacob is getting what he deserves, for being a deceived himself, although he's supported by God.) Anyway, sounds like someone is tired of having his two daughters around (and Jacob will be a polygamist like his brother, plenty of polygamy in the Bible, good guy or not.)

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹ Laban gave his servant girl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maidservant. ³⁰ Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

"Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah." yeah OK, but do I really need to know these details like who he loves more?

Jacob's Children

³¹ When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. ³² Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, ^[b] for she said, "It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now."

How is it that the LORD can be both a jerk and a nice guy at the same time here? (And why is he doing things against Jacob's will if he's rooting for him?) I find the thing especially stupid though, not because I don't think the LORD can make you infertile (which of course I don't think he can since he doesn't exist), but because Leah thinks she'll be loved for giving Jacob a son. I know people like having children in this book, but in real life it would be a very stupid advice to give to someone: "Your husband is not caring enough about you and thinks about leaving you? Give him a child!" The most stupid is that we've seen cases before in the same book that this method doesn't work, remember Abraham and Hagar?

³³ She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too." So she named him Simeon. ^[c]

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!

³⁴ Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." So he was named Levi. ^[d]

Some people never learn, do they?

³⁵ She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. ^[e] Then she stopped having children.

Yep, she just stopped having children. Just like that! That's the most powerful form of birth control you've ever seen, just by will. OK, I'm just having fun mocking the Bible now.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 29:17 Or delicate
b. Genesis 29:32 Reuben sounds like the Hebrew for he has seen my misery ; the name means see, a son .
c. Genesis 29:33 Simeon probably means one who hears .
d. Genesis 29:34 Levi sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for attached .
e. Genesis 29:35 Judah sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for praise .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 28

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 28

¹ So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed ^[a] him and commanded him: "Do not marry a Canaanite woman. ² Go at once to Paddan Aram, ^[b] to the house of your mother's father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother. ³ May God Almighty ^[c] bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples. ⁴ May he give you and your descendants the blessing given to Abraham, so that you may take possession of the land where you now live as an alien, the land God gave to Abraham." ⁵ Then Isaac sent Jacob on his way, and he went to Paddan Aram, to Laban son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah, who was the mother of Jacob and Esau.

"So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him [...]": where is the complaining, the betrayal, and why is he blessing him once again? "Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother.": once again keeping it in the family with his cousin. People in the Bible are all inbreds! Now I know that he's probably saying that because of what Rebekah told him about the Canaanites, and we know that is a plan to make Jacob go away. Esau should be taking the opportunity to kill him.

⁶ Now Esau learned that Isaac had blessed Jacob and had sent him to Paddan Aram to take a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he commanded him, "Do not marry a Canaanite woman," ⁷ and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram. ⁸ Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; ⁹ so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had.

Where the fuck was Esau? And he already knew that Jacob was blessed, he did not just learn that. And what do you know, Esau marries his cousin too, in addition to the wives he already had, just like the Bible says word for word.

Jacob's Dream at Bethel

¹⁰ Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Haran. ¹¹ When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. ¹² He had a dream in which he saw a stairway ^[d] resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. ¹³ There above it ^[e] stood the LORD, and he said: "I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. ¹⁴ Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. ¹⁵ I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Except for the stairs leading the angels to heaven (can't they fly? We've even invented better in our natural world these days with escalators.), there's nothing new here. God is once again presenting himself like Jacob had never seen him before while Jacob is sleeping with his head on a rock (now wonder he's having these strange dreams). God is still making the same empty promise he did countless times before now.

¹⁶ When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, "Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it." ¹⁷ He was afraid and said, "How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven."

"When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, 'Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.'": don't you know God is everywhere? "He was afraid and said, 'How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.': hey that was a dream dumbass. I mean just look around and you won't find this stairway to heaven. (No copyright infringement intended!)

¹⁸ Early the next morning Jacob took the stone he had placed under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on top of it. ¹⁹ He called that place Bethel, ^[f] though the city used to be called Luz.

Is this the same Bethel we've already seen before, with Abraham also having a vision of the LORD at that place? Because if it is, how can he rename it the same way it was already named? We never heard of Luz, might be a different place, though the circumstances leave be doubtful.

²⁰ Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear ²¹ so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD ^[g] will be my God ²² and ^[h] this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth."

Is Jacob just learning that God is on his side? I thought that was pretty clear, even before he was blessed (but that was also a pretty good sign). The LORD has even appeared to him before and when he says that he will be his God officially, I thought there was only one God anyway.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 28:1 Or greeted
b. Genesis 28:2 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia; also in verses 5, 6 and
c. Genesis 28:3 Hebrew El-Shaddai
d. Genesis 28:12 Or ladder
e. Genesis 28:13 Or There beside him
f. Genesis 28:19 Bethel means house of God.
g. Genesis 28:21 Or Since God ? father's house, the LORD
h. Genesis 28:22 Or house, and the LORD will be my God, 22 then

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 27

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 27

Jacob Gets Isaac's Blessing

¹ When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, "My son."
"Here I am," he answered.

Is it the first time we get any sign that getting old ruins your body? Well, there was this instance of them acknowledging that an old woman wouldn't conceive, but other than that, yes it is.

² Isaac said, "I am now an old man and don't know the day of my death. ³ Now then, get your weapons—your quiver and bow—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. ⁴ Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die."

Nooooo! Isaac is dying? He was so well conceived as a character!

⁵ Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back, ⁶ Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau, ⁷ 'Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the LORD before I die.' ⁸ Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: ⁹ Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. ¹⁰ Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies."

So Rebekah was a bad guy all along? Well I guess it was obvious, she's a woman after all, just like Eve. But why wouldn't Isaac give a blessing to both his sons anyway? And I know he can't see, but he can still hear (I guess his sons are not identical twins, since one was born differently from the other, so they must have different voices).

¹¹ Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, "But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I'm a man with smooth skin. ¹² What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing."

Yeah, there's also this problem by the way. I'm glad to see Jacob is paying attention.

¹³ His mother said to him, "My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me."

So he can redirect the curse? How do you do that? And what if Jacob had just prepared this for his father randomly without trying to trick him or without even knowing about the deal? I know the chances would be pretty slim, but all I mean is that there's no reason to curse him or bless only one of his sons (unless he really does hate the other one).

¹⁴ So he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it. ¹⁵ Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. ¹⁶ She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins. ¹⁷ Then she handed to her son Jacob the tasty food and the bread she had made.

"She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins.": damn, Esau is supposed to be that hairy? I'm really confused as whether or not he's a bad guy and whether or not Jacob is a good guy.

¹⁸ He went to his father and said, "My father."
"Yes, my son," he answered. "Who is it?"

So he can't differentiate the voices of his sons.

¹⁹ Jacob said to his father, "I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game so that you may give me your blessing."

And people are always lying in this book, that's strange. They're making pretty serious lies too. (Little comment, but really they seem to like reminding us that Esau is older, but that's not true biologically as I already pointed out and anyway they came up at pretty much the same time.)

²⁰ Isaac asked his son, "How did you find it so quickly, my son?"
"The LORD your God gave me success," he replied.

Won't he find that hard to believe? Jacob and his mothers weren't smart enough to wait a little!

²¹ Then Isaac said to Jacob, "Come near so I can touch you, my son, to know whether you really are my son Esau or not."

At least he's smart, even though as I said it's strange that he can't differentiate their voices.

²² Jacob went close to his father Isaac, who touched him and said, "The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau." ²³ He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he blessed him. ²⁴ "Are you really my son Esau?" he asked.
"I am," he replied.

Seriously? He could differentiate their voices? And putting goatskin on is more convincing? Man, that's dumb. Of course he's going to confirm that he is your son, thankfully police officers are more competent than that today, well mostly... Isn't there some question you could ask him to be certain?

²⁵ Then he said, "My son, bring me some of your game to eat, so that I may give you my blessing."
Jacob brought it to him and he ate; and he brought some wine and he drank. ²⁶ Then his father Isaac said to him, "Come here, my son, and kiss me."

I thought he'd bless him after eating, but it seems I was wrong.

²⁷ So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said,
"Ah, the smell of my son
is like the smell of a field
that the LORD has blessed.

Wait, he's blessing him again!? (You know, I'm thinking that to bless him he has to get God's approval. God approves of lying and deceiving a weak old man.) It just seems like these bits are not in the right order. So he can bless multiple times, he really didn't want to bless Jacob then. What a bad father! (But what a bad son anyway.) Anyway, how can he pass over the fact that their voices aren't the same?

²⁸ May God give you of heaven's dew
and of earth's richness—
an abundance of grain and new wine.

And don't go lightly on the wine. We're trying to keep a tradition of getting so wasted that something bad or very wrong can happen to us during our moment of weakness.

²⁹ May nations serve you
and peoples bow down to you.
Be lord over your brothers,
and may the sons of your mother bow down to you.
May those who curse you be cursed
and those who bless you be blessed."

He's basically saying that Jacob will rule over the earth and everybody will be slaves to him.

³⁰ After Isaac finished blessing him and Jacob had scarcely left his father's presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting. ³¹ He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, "My father, sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing."

Awkward situation coming up!

³² His father Isaac asked him, "Who are you?"
"I am your son," he answered, "your firstborn, Esau."

Can't you recognize his voice? You'll see that this one matches your son Esau's description perfectly while the other one had something a little off about him.

³³ Isaac trembled violently and said, "Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!"

That was obviously Jacob. I know you're blind, but I'm surprised you got deceived this way. It's comparable to movies where animals dress up as humans and move around the streets undetected.

³⁴ When Esau heard his father's words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, "Bless me—me too, my father!"

I think I understand a bit better now why he couldn't give this blessing to two different people, because it pretty much makes the person into a single supreme ruler of the earth.

³⁵ But he said, "Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing."

There must be some way to negotiate with God. He's not one to encourage lies after all? Except when he does...

³⁶ Esau said, "Isn't he rightly named Jacob ^[a] ? He has deceived me these two times: He took my birthright, and now he's taken my blessing!" Then he asked, "Haven't you reserved any blessing for me?"

It does look pretty silly when he says "Haven't you reserved any blessing for me?"

³⁷ Isaac answered Esau, "I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?"

Basically, I fucked up! Is it just me or was Isaac's blessing very immoral when you look at it? Immoral and approved by God himself!

³⁸ Esau said to his father, "Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!" Then Esau wept aloud.

He has more than one blessing, but he can't give you much to compete with what he gave to Jacob. Jacob is really a son of a bitch, lazy, taking advantage of his father and Esau, you know the one son that is actually useful.

³⁹ His father Isaac answered him,
"Your dwelling will be
away from the earth's richness,
away from the dew of heaven above.

OK Isaac, don't be a jerk. You don't need to remind the guy of what he has lost by your mistake.

⁴⁰ You will live by the sword
and you will serve your brother.
But when you grow restless,
you will throw his yoke
from off your neck."

At least there's a payoff. If I was Esau, I'd be growing restless right about now. Why wait?

Jacob Flees to Laban

⁴¹ Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."

"Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him.": you'd think, right? At least that's well deserved for once. The guy just got the greatest reward ever (which I would have refused myself as I don't want slaves) and stole it from his brother."He said to himself, 'The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.'": yeah OK, but is it just me or did Esau never got around to being Jacob's slave like we were promised? He even sold his birthright years ago, didn't he? That didn't seem to do a whole lot.

⁴² When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you. ⁴³ Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Haran. ⁴⁴ Stay with him for a while until your brother's fury subsides. ⁴⁵ When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I'll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?"

"When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, 'Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you.'": how does she know that? I thought Esau was saying that to himself, but not out loud. "When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I'll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?": yeah, as is he would forget that? I thought blessings where more magical than that though. I didn't think you had to flee to avoid your brother trying to kill you so that you wouldn't get the blessing. What is Rebekah talking about when she says something about losing both of them? If Esau kills Jacob, she loses one of them only. What she means is that she'd lose the only one of them she loves.

⁴⁶ Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."

That's uncalled for (unless she's making up an explanation as to why Jacob has fled, to search for a wife). She's once again talking about Esau's wives, but we've not heard much about them and why she despised them. Probably has to do with a curse making the people of these lands evil forever and ever, after all you don't need actual valid reasons in the Bible to hate someone. But her life not being worth living for that, that would be really far-fetched, wouldn't it?

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 27:36 Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives ).

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 26

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 26

Isaac and Abimelech

¹ Now there was a famine in the land—besides the earlier famine of Abraham's time—and Isaac went to Abimelech king of the Philistines in Gerar. ² The LORD appeared to Isaac and said, "Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. ³ Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham. ⁴ I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring ^[a] all nations on earth will be blessed, ⁵ because Abraham obeyed me and kept my requirements, my commands, my decrees and my laws." ⁶ So Isaac stayed in Gerar.

So when the Bible is not repeating itself, it's repeating itself. (With a different character.)

⁷ When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, "She is my sister," because he was afraid to say, "She is my wife." He thought, "The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful."

He does the same as his father to the same people who are still ruled by the same king. The guy must wonder why men always lie to him that their wife is their sister (well, in Abraham's case she was his sister too).

⁸ When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. ⁹ So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, "She is really your wife! Why did you say, 'She is my sister'?"
Isaac answered him, "Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her."

Same fucking thing! It's as if Isaac didn't trust in his God to protect him at all. Abimelech doesn't even seem to be that bad either; I don't think he would've done anything bad if Isaac had said the truth. I have nothing more to say at this point.

¹⁰ Then Abimelech said, "What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us."

Abimelech brings up the same type of good point as he did with Abraham. You know though, in our modern world a man wouldn't get to sleep with her without her wanting it unless he was a rapist. Thank God for secular morality! (You see what I did there, that was an ironic statement as I don't believe in God! OK, I'll shut up...)

¹¹ So Abimelech gave orders to all the people: "Anyone who molests this man or his wife shall surely be put to death."

Does Isaac also fear molestation? I thought it was for his wife. But these people are clearly God fearing since they're ready to kill anyone who touches this guy and his wife who are under God's protection.

¹² Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the LORD blessed him. ¹³ The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. ¹⁴ He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. ¹⁵ So all the wells that his father's servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the Philistines stopped up, filling them with earth.

Yeah sure, it's plausible that all the same fucking events that happened to his father would happen to him years later. I do mean ALL THE SAME.

¹⁶ Then Abimelech said to Isaac, "Move away from us; you have become too powerful for us."

He has more money than the king or what? Well I guess that Bill Gates has more money than the President of the United States himself, but nobody fears that he's too powerful and dangerous (at least I don't think so).

¹⁷ So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar and settled there. ¹⁸ Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them.

Yeah because names are so important in this book for some reason. (I hereby name my penis Stickman!) I don't see why the people would've closed the wells unless they really didn't need them. As if their city didn't grow with time and stayed just the same.

¹⁹ Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. ²⁰ But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, ^[b] because they disputed with him. ²¹ Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. ^{[c] 22} He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, ^[d] saying, "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

Man, they really name every single fucking thing according to what just happened. That's kind of understandable, but kind of weird too. And the LORD didn't give them room. I guess it's just that the people living in these lands already have enough wells now.

²³ From there he went up to Beersheba. ²⁴ That night the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham."

God already has appeared to Isaac before, so why is he presenting himself as if it was the first time? (Same thing happened with Abraham and just like his father, Isaac sees God in his dreams.)

²⁵ Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the LORD. There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.

Yep, he's following in his father's footsteps alright. But why is he digging so many wells?

²⁶ Meanwhile, Abimelech had come to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. ²⁷ Isaac asked them, "Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?"

And you lied to him potentially risking the wrath of God on his people, so what's your point?

²⁸ They answered, "We saw clearly that the LORD was with you; so we said, 'There ought to be a sworn agreement between us'-between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you ²⁹ that you will do us no harm, just as we did not molest you but always treated you well and sent you away in peace. And now you are blessed by the LORD."

So Isaac became powerful in the sense that he has enough money to gather an army and battle this king, is that it? That's why they need to make a treaty or at least that's how I understand it.

³⁰ Isaac then made a feast for them, and they ate and drank. ³¹ Early the next morning the men swore an oath to each other. Then Isaac sent them on their way, and they left him in peace.

Sure, treat your enemies (although they shouldn't be enemies) as friends and give them something to eat, but ask for your brother to become a slave in exchange for some food when he's famished.

³² That day Isaac's servants came and told him about the well they had dug. They said, "We've found water!" ³³ He called it Shibah, ^[e] and to this day the name of the town has been Beersheba. ^[f]

Maybe the town his Beersheba, but I just want beer if I am to go on!

³⁴ When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. ³⁵ They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.

Polygamy again, this time by the bad guy or at least I think he's supposed to be bad. I can't wait to learn why his wives were a source of grief for his parents.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 26:4 Or seed
b. Genesis 26:20 Esek means dispute .
c. Genesis 26:21 Sitnah means opposition .
d. Genesis 26:22 Rehoboth means room .
e. Genesis 26:33 Shibah can mean oath or seven .
f. Genesis 26:33 Beersheba can mean well of the oath or well of seven .