An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 29

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 29

Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram

¹ Then Jacob continued on his journey and came to the land of the eastern peoples. ² There he saw a well in the field, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. The stone over the mouth of the well was large. ³ When all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone away from the well's mouth and water the sheep. Then they would return the stone to its place over the mouth of the well.

One thing I don't get either about this book is how sometimes you get this information that seems completely random and serve no purpose at all in understanding what God is trying to tell you.

⁴ Jacob asked the shepherds, "My brothers, where are you from?"
"We're from Haran," they replied.

Good! That's where he's headed, please go on.

⁵ He said to them, "Do you know Laban, Nahor's grandson?"
"Yes, we know him," they answered.

I see that some actual mistakes are corrected in this translation. Some translations say that Laban is the son of Nahor (which contradicts the previous chapter). (Update: I was totally unaware of that, but I've seen sites where people say that only the King James version of the Bible is the actual accurate representation of the word of God and that the NIV is less accurate and completely evil. I'm not going to comment on both why that's stupid and false, but all I can say is that the King James version is one of those translations that feature an actual mistake here. It also contains more actual mistakes in some other places. Side commment: the King James version is also much harder to read, unlike what "those sites" say, because it's written in a way that's not around anymore.)

⁶ Then Jacob asked them, "Is he well?"
"Yes, he is," they said, "and here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep."

Well, she's done for now that she showed up in front of a man searching for a wife...

⁷ "Look," he said, "the sun is still high; it is not time for the flocks to be gathered. Water the sheep and take them back to pasture."

I'd punch the guy if I was one of the shepherds. They probably know more than he thinks about sheeps.

⁸ "We can't," they replied, "until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep."

That's right, put the little jerk in his place!

⁹ While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. ¹⁰ When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep. ¹¹ Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud. ¹² He had told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father.

"When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep.": you know, sometimes it doesn't seem like the Bible is written in chronological order and I could live with that. But sometimes it looks like the next sentence is not even placed in the correct order. Here we have one instance where they say that Jacob just saw Rachel, but only three verses earlier she was presented to him. "Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud.": hmm, are they married now?

¹³ As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister's son, he hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home, and there Jacob told him all these things. ¹⁴ Then Laban said to him, "You are my own flesh and blood."

OK, I retract my earlier comment since I think it's obvious now that they're regular non-binding kisses. Unless he's married to Laban too now?

Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel

After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, ¹⁵ Laban said to him, "Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be."

Well, you do have a daughter...

¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak ^[a] eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel."

"Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful.": what a poorly written verse. (It does make more sense if the footnotes are right and Leah had "delicate" instead of "weak" eyes.) "Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, 'I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.'": he's in love with her? Well, what'd you expect!? (Have you noticed that we never know how women feel about the situation?) I personally think Jacob is getting a bad deal, because from what I've seen so far, if you want a woman you get one.

¹⁹ Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me." ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

"Laban said, 'It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.': yes, after all she's your cousin!

²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her."

I love these guys! No such thing as being subtle...

²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant.

Of course, Jacob loves Rachel, but he doesn't mind spending a night with her sister!

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"

Wait, so was he aware that he slept with Leah?

²⁶ Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work."

Seriously, he seemed like a nice guy. Why didn't he at least warn him about that custom? (I guess Jacob is getting what he deserves, for being a deceived himself, although he's supported by God.) Anyway, sounds like someone is tired of having his two daughters around (and Jacob will be a polygamist like his brother, plenty of polygamy in the Bible, good guy or not.)

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹ Laban gave his servant girl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maidservant. ³⁰ Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

"Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah." yeah OK, but do I really need to know these details like who he loves more?

Jacob's Children

³¹ When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. ³² Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, ^[b] for she said, "It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now."

How is it that the LORD can be both a jerk and a nice guy at the same time here? (And why is he doing things against Jacob's will if he's rooting for him?) I find the thing especially stupid though, not because I don't think the LORD can make you infertile (which of course I don't think he can since he doesn't exist), but because Leah thinks she'll be loved for giving Jacob a son. I know people like having children in this book, but in real life it would be a very stupid advice to give to someone: "Your husband is not caring enough about you and thinks about leaving you? Give him a child!" The most stupid is that we've seen cases before in the same book that this method doesn't work, remember Abraham and Hagar?

³³ She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too." So she named him Simeon. ^[c]

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!

³⁴ Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." So he was named Levi. ^[d]

Some people never learn, do they?

³⁵ She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. ^[e] Then she stopped having children.

Yep, she just stopped having children. Just like that! That's the most powerful form of birth control you've ever seen, just by will. OK, I'm just having fun mocking the Bible now.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 29:17 Or delicate
b. Genesis 29:32 Reuben sounds like the Hebrew for he has seen my misery ; the name means see, a son .
c. Genesis 29:33 Simeon probably means one who hears .
d. Genesis 29:34 Levi sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for attached .
e. Genesis 29:35 Judah sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for praise .