An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 30

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 30

¹ When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!"

Just calm down lady! I know the biological clock is ticking, but you're not going to die. Well, eventually, but not from being "barren". (The Bible always seems to talk of women as baby producing machines. People today decide whether or not they want any children and not wanting any should not be judged by anyone.)

² Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?"

Children are actually produced by a sperm meeting an ovum. People of different faiths can produce them (so it doesn't require the blessing of a specific God at least) and if you are to say that God produces them, then fertility clinics are actually sometimes more powerful than God himself (oh yeah, I know you're going to say he helps them).

³ Then she said, "Here is Bilhah, my maidservant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and that through her I too can build a family."

Yeah, because it worked so well for Abraham. The Bible so far has been an account of God making the same types of mistakes over and over, but also humans doing the same mistakes over and over (or actually exactly the same things).

⁴ So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, ⁵ and she became pregnant and bore him a son. ⁶ Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan. ^[a]

She might have given you a son, but genetically speaking you don't have any legacy on this earth. (Do you realize here that a slave is forced to have sex, produce a baby and lose that baby as if it wasn't hers? That's the Bible everyone!)

⁷ Rachel's servant Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. ⁸ Then Rachel said, "I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won." So she named him Naphtali. ^[b]

Won which battle? Whoever produced the first child to Jacob? Her sister won that. Whoever produces the most children? Her sister won that. In fact, technically speaking Rachel doesn't do a single thing for Jacob, thank God (literally) she has a slave.

⁹ When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her maidservant Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. ¹⁰ Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a son. ¹¹ Then Leah said, "What good fortune!" ^[c] So she named him Gad. ^[d]

So Leah was "barren" now? I guess she just hit "that" age. It's funny how not it has transformed in a battle which sister's slave will produce the most children!

¹² Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. ¹³ Then Leah said, "How happy I am! The women will call me happy." So she named him Asher. ^[e]

Yes, she's happy! All she needs are children! (Or is it because she's getting back at her sister?)

¹⁴ During wheat harvest, Reuben went out into the fields and found some mandrake plants, which he brought to his mother Leah. Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's mandrakes."

Just to stay on the safe side, I'm going to say "It's a trap!"

¹⁵ But she said to her, "Wasn't it enough that you took away my husband? Will you take my son's mandrakes too?"
"Very well," Rachel said, "he can sleep with you tonight in return for your son's mandrakes."

She's making her husband sleep with her sister (which is also his wife) in exchange for mandrakes? I'm not even sure what to point out as wrong here, but something isn't working out. I mean, Jacob must sleep with each of his wives from time to time. I hope he does, because if he doesn't I understand why it was hard to produce children.

¹⁶ So when Jacob came in from the fields that evening, Leah went out to meet him. "You must sleep with me," she said. "I have hired you with my son's mandrakes." So he slept with her that night.

He must have found that weird, but she's his wife and a man will rarely refuse to sleep with a woman, so...

¹⁷ God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son. ¹⁸ Then Leah said, "God has rewarded me for giving my maidservant to my husband." So she named him Issachar. ^[f]

That's what I thought! The Bible equates sleeping with a woman to producing children. I'm not saying that's not the truth, but the whole deal Rachel made seems basically to be that she'd let Jacob sleep with Leah to make her a child. Sometimes you sleep once with a woman and she becomes pregnant, sometimes not and it takes more than that. All I'm saying is the Bible seems really ignorant, showing that it was written by people from a primitive society who didn't understand much about their world. (And that's seriously messed up that they're saying God approved of her giving her slave to Jacob.)

¹⁹ Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son. ²⁰ Then Leah said, "God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons." So she named him Zebulun. ^[g]

Yeah, because six children is the minimum amount you should produce for a man you love!

²¹ Some time later she gave birth to a daughter and named her Dinah.

I think that's why guys in this book always have to sleep with random girls from their own family. That's because a lot more men are born than women. I mean a LOT. Modern statistics (which I do realize are not valid proofs of anything, but still) tell us that yes, more male babies are born around the world, but barely more than females (not even twice as much, actually 1.07 according to what I've seen).

²² Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. ²³ She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." ²⁴ She named him Joseph, ^[h] and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."

Just like he did for Sarah, Abraham's wife. (By the way, I always find a line saying "Then God remembered..." to be funny!) Anyway, Rachel finally produced a child of her own, because before that she was useless of course. I just hope not everybody will follow the Bible's advice to populate more and more, because the earth will soon be very hard to live on with the limited resources and all if we keep overpopulating.

Jacob's Flocks Increase

²⁵ After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jacob said to Laban, "Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland. ²⁶ Give me my wives and children, for whom I have served you, and I will be on my way. You know how much work I've done for you."

Anyway, he can't retain a man with God's protection against his will, can he?

²⁷ But Laban said to him, "If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that ^[i] the LORD has blessed me because of you." ²⁸ He added, "Name your wages, and I will pay them."

I thought Laban was actually acting badly towards Jacob all along. Was I mistaken here, because I just never can tell who the good guy in these stories is? I just hope that the holy book a lot of people count on as a moral guide is not as bad as I think it is. (Not that Laban has been so immoral but he seems like a jerk at least.)

²⁹ Jacob said to him, "You know how I have worked for you and how your livestock has fared under my care. ³⁰ The little you had before I came has increased greatly, and the LORD has blessed you wherever I have been. But now, when may I do something for my own household?"

But Jacob shall not forget that his brother wants to kill him, for good reasons, so he'd better stay for a while more. (It's not like God would actually protect him.)

³¹ "What shall I give you?" he asked.
"Don't give me anything," Jacob replied. "But if you will do this one thing for me, I will go on tending your flocks and watching over them: ³² Let me go through all your flocks today and remove from them every speckled or spotted sheep, every dark-colored lamb and every spotted or speckled goat. They will be my wages. ³³ And my honesty will testify for me in the future, whenever you check on the wages you have paid me. Any goat in my possession that is not speckled or spotted, or any lamb that is not dark-colored, will be considered stolen."

So don't give me anything, but give me these sheeps? Is that it?

³⁴ "Agreed," said Laban. "Let it be as you have said." ³⁵ That same day he removed all the male goats that were streaked or spotted, and all the speckled or spotted female goats (all that had white on them) and all the dark-colored lambs, and he placed them in the care of his sons. ³⁶ Then he put a three-day journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob continued to tend the rest of Laban's flocks.

I smell a trap! Laban, you're probably being deceived by Jacob. You know what's worse? Just think about it, people in the Bible tend to be named for the situation in which they were born or for what they're like. Laban would know that Jacob's name actually means (speaking and understanding Hebrew) that he will deceive you. He should take extra precaution, especially considering that Jacob didn't insist much on going back home after a little convincing.

³⁷ Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. ³⁸ Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, ³⁹ they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted. ⁴⁰ Jacob set apart the young of the flock by themselves, but made the rest face the streaked and dark-colored animals that belonged to Laban. Thus he made separate flocks for himself and did not put them with Laban's animals. ⁴¹ Whenever the stronger females were in heat, Jacob would place the branches in the troughs in front of the animals so they would mate near the branches, ⁴² but if the animals were weak, he would not place them there. So the weak animals went to Laban and the strong ones to Jacob. ⁴³ In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys.

So many things to say here. This is just about the strangest thing I've ever heard. I'm not even going to explain the biology to people who just don't get how we can explain genetic differences scientifically, which is a better explanation than magic. If you believe that Jacob did that and it happened, I can't say much. You're wrong. But speaking of Jacob, I actually like the guy, because he's smart (assuming that his magic method works) and he never runs out of tricks. But that's because I like immoral anti heroes like that. He should not be a man approved by God, not more than his brother at least.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 30:6 Dan here means he has vindicated .
b. Genesis 30:8 Naphtali means my struggle .
c. Genesis 30:11 Or "A troop is coming!"
d. Genesis 30:11 Gad can mean good fortune or a troop .
e. Genesis 30:13 Asher means happy .
f. Genesis 30:18 Issachar sounds like the Hebrew for reward .
g. Genesis 30:20 Zebulun probably means honor .
h. Genesis 30:24 Joseph means may he add .
i. Genesis 30:27 Or possibly have become rich and