An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 31

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 31

Jacob Flees From Laban

¹ Jacob heard that Laban's sons were saying, "Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father." ² And Jacob noticed that Laban's attitude toward him was not what it had been.

I know Laban was not the best guy towards Jacob, but Jacob himself has done worse now and he had done other bad things before. I don't see Laban's sons stating the facts as an issue personally.

³ Then the LORD said to Jacob, "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you."

Sure you'll be with him. I think you don't care about lies and tricks anymore. In fact, you never cared about them it seems.

⁴ So Jacob sent word to Rachel and Leah to come out to the fields where his flocks were. ⁵ He said to them, "I see that your father's attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. ⁶ You know that I've worked for your father with all my strength, ⁷ yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me. ⁸ If he said, 'The speckled ones will be your wages,' then all the flocks gave birth to speckled young; and if he said, 'The streaked ones will be your wages,' then all the flocks bore streaked young. ⁹ So God has taken away your father's livestock and has given them to me.

But you're the one who tricked him the most, that's what you're not telling. What kind of God is you father's God to be on your side?

¹⁰ "In breeding season I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats mating with the flock were streaked, speckled or spotted. ¹¹ The angel of God said to me in the dream, 'Jacob.' I answered, 'Here I am.' ¹² And he said, 'Look up and see that all the male goats mating with the flock are streaked, speckled or spotted, for I have seen all that Laban has been doing to you. ¹³ I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and where you made a vow to me. Now leave this land at once and go back to your native land.' "

You know what? I think Jacob is just inventing this God for his own purposes and to justify what happened. Anyway, I don't think a God that knows everything would really send Jacob back to a place where he's supposed to get killed by his own brother if he really wants to protect him.

¹⁴ Then Rachel and Leah replied, "Do we still have any share in the inheritance of our father's estate? ¹⁵ Does he not regard us as foreigners? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us. ¹⁶ Surely all the wealth that God took away from our father belongs to us and our children. So do whatever God has told you."

Yep, just imagine it like that: Jacob buys his wives from Laban, but in exchange he ruins the guy. Jacob is the good guy in this story folks, that says a lot. Not a single "good guy" so far has been really moral.

¹⁷ Then Jacob put his children and his wives on camels, ¹⁸ and he drove all his livestock ahead of him, along with all the goods he had accumulated in Paddan Aram, ^[a] to go to his father Isaac in the land of Canaan.

Jacob, the common thief! (OK, he didn't steal anything directly, but that's pretty close and his behavior of running away is that of a thief or someone who knows he has done something bad.)

¹⁹ When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father's household gods. ²⁰ Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away. ²¹ So he fled with all he had, and crossing the River, ^[b] he headed for the hill country of Gilead.

"When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father's household gods.": Rachel is a thief now too, according to her husband who got the LORD's approval. I've seen the words "gods" being "images" or "idols" in other translations. Here it's just plain weird anyway. "Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away.": yeah, it's pretty clear now he's the good guy.

Laban Pursues Jacob

²² On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. ²³ Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. ²⁴ Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, "Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad."

Oh I see, censorship! Why not, God is on Jacob's side after all? Isn't it ironic though that Jacob, the leader approved by God, is protected from what people say about him, yet I don't think Christians would like their free speech right to be limited that way even if they thought their leader was approved by God? (I wonder why saying something good is censored by God here though.)

²⁵ Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. ²⁶ Then Laban said to Jacob, "What have you done? You've deceived me, and you've carried off my daughters like captives in war. ²⁷ Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn't you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps? ²⁸ You didn't even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters good-by. You have done a foolish thing. ²⁹ I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, 'Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.' ³⁰ Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father's house. But why did you steal my gods?"

"Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn't you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps?": that can be answered easily. It's a custom he picked up from his father and his grandfather before that who did something similar in a way when they searched for hospitality in a new country telling a big lie when entering it instead of being honest and making everything clear.

³¹ Jacob answered Laban, "I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force. ³² But if you find anyone who has your gods, he shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it." Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.

Uh oh!

³³ So Laban went into Jacob's tent and into Leah's tent and into the tent of the two maidservants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah's tent, he entered Rachel's tent. ³⁴ Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel's saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.

It seems weird that he would visit Leah's tent and then the slaves' tents before Rachel, but nothing to talk about I guess. But there is something to talk about Rachel. I'm quite proud of her, she's learned a lot from Jacob. I wonder when she hid the "gods" there, but I'm proud of her. Let's just hope Laban is not smart enough, because that's exactly where I'd search after that myself.

³⁵ Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods.

Well, if he falls for that trick, he deserves to not get his stuff back. I'd have checked anyway (I guess a girl in her period is a pretty bad thing to be near in this book).

³⁶ Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. "What is my crime?" he asked Laban. "What sin have I committed that you hunt me down? ³⁷ Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.

"What sin have I committed that you hunt me down?": you do lie and trick people. I don't know if it's a sin, but it doesn't seem perfect at least.

³⁸ "I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. ³⁹ I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. ⁴⁰ This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. ⁴¹ It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. ⁴² If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you."

Damn Jacob is good to make you feel guilty, isn't he? (By the way, he should have just gone somewhere else; it's not like he needs to work that hard to get a woman or two.) I never said Laban was perfect, but the main reason why I don't root for Jacob is that he was already a deceiver, I just saw what happened to him as a just punition and even then he found a way to cheat. (I know Laban didn't tell him not to breed his sheeps the way he did, so Jacob played by the rules in a way, but telling you everything that you shouldn't do is impossible anyway. It's true that only God is keeping Laban from harming Jacob and quite frankly, I don't know why he would be protecting either guy.)

⁴³ Laban answered Jacob, "The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne? ⁴⁴ Come now, let's make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us."

Laban, having been tricked, can't do much you know. He really lost his flocks to a cheap trick (I don't suggest you try that kind of thing against your own boss in real life). The father of Jacob's wives was effectively ruined by Jacob himself.

⁴⁵ So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar. ⁴⁶ He said to his relatives, "Gather some stones." So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap. ⁴⁷ Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, ^[c] and Jacob called it Galeed. ^[d]

I'm glad deals today are concluded with the signing of a contract. Could you imagine two guys in an office making a stone pillar to conclude a deal?

⁴⁸ Laban said, "This heap is a witness between you and me today." That is why it was called Galeed. ⁴⁹ It was also called Mizpah, ^[e] because he said, "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. ⁵⁰ If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me."

Laban just seems like an honest good guy here, thinking about his daughter. He makes a mistake though when he says that Jacob shouldn't take any more wives. What about concubines?

⁵¹ Laban also said to Jacob, "Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me. ⁵² This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me. ⁵³ May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us."
So Jacob took an oath in the name of the Fear of his father Isaac. ⁵⁴ He offered a sacrifice there in the hill country and invited his relatives to a meal. After they had eaten, they spent the night there.

I really hare when the Bible talks about these promises and these clear limits made on the earth for different types of people. This kind of thing is the basis for many wars today, thousands of years after the fact (not that I think this book features many facts if any).

⁵⁵ Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.

Really sad and he doesn't know that his daughter tricked him. That also means he didn't get his "gods" back.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 31:18 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
b. Genesis 31:21 That is, the Euphrates
c. Genesis 31:47 The Aramaic Jegar Sahadutha means witness heap .
d. Genesis 31:47 The Hebrew Galeed means witness heap .
e. Genesis 31:49 Mizpah means watchtower .