An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 32

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 32

Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau

¹ Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. ² When Jacob saw them, he said, "This is the camp of God!" So he named that place Mahanaim. ^[a]

Man, God is taking so much space on this earth! In fact, I'm beginning to think he alone is responsible for overpopulation.

³ Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. ⁴ He instructed them: "This is what you are to say to my master Esau: 'Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. ⁵ I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, menservants and maidservants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.' "

In what way is Jacob Esau's servant? If anything, he made the guy the ultimate slave and tricked him every chance he had since his birth; I don't think he can buy him now.

⁶ When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, "We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him."

Doesn't look to good for Jacob. I hope you learn a lesson for once; that's how one grows up. Of course, his lesson probably involves getting killed, so I don't think he'll learn much, but there comes a point where you've just done too much in your life.

⁷ In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, ^[b] and the flocks and herds and camels as well. ⁸ He thought, "If Esau comes and attacks one group, ^[c] the group ^[d] that is left may escape."

Jacob the coward, not wanting to get punished for his bad actions, thinks he can sacrifice some people to get away.

⁹ Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, 'Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,' ¹⁰ I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups. ¹¹ Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. ¹² But you have said, 'I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.' "

I guess God is forced by contract to help him, since Jacob was blessed, even if he's bad. (That's a case of going against God's will.) Jacob should know though that God is known to lie and not keep his promises.

¹³ He spent the night there, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: ¹⁴ two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, ¹⁵ thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. ¹⁶ He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, "Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds."

Cool gift, but I guess your brother could just kill you, get his revenge and keep them anyway.

¹⁷ He instructed the one in the lead: "When my brother Esau meets you and asks, 'To whom do you belong, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?' ¹⁸ then you are to say, 'They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.' "

It's a trap!

¹⁹ He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: "You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. ²⁰ And be sure to say, 'Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.' " For he thought, "I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me." ²¹ So Jacob's gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp.

I would be pretty disappointed in Esau or Edom or whatever his name is if he were to just accept the gifts after what his brother had done to him. (I'm not advocating violence in our modern world; we're a lot more civilized now. Except when we go to war...)

Jacob Wrestles With God

²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

What the fuck is suddenly happening here?

²⁷ The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

Happens to me all the time. A man comes out of nowhere, starts wrestling with me until daybreak and then asks for my name after I request a blessing. (Seriously still, what the fuck is going on?)

²⁸ Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

So Israel means "he struggles with God"? Strange. But am I to understand then that this unknown man is God? (See, God did come on the earth in an ordinary man body before Jesus.)

²⁹ Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

Maybe he's asking for your name because you're fucking strange (and why did Jacob, whom the Bible forgot he was renamed Israel just now, expect an unknown man who decides to wrestle with him to bless him? I know it turned out to be God, but he didn't know that.) So the man really is God, making it all the more strange that he's unable to overpower another man. And what was the purpose of this attack? I thought God has made a very odd request when he asked Abraham to kill his son Isaac, but not that's just the weirdest thing I could ever imagine: God coming on the earth as a human, suddenly wrestling against a man, not even being able to win the match and then bless the guy personally for him to let you go.

³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel, ^[f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

It doesn't say your life was spared, it says you were more powerful than God basically. I guess you're not all that God fearing now, huh?

³¹ The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, ^[g] and he was limping because of his hip. ³² Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

Thanks God, you've been a real nice guy damaging Jacob's hip like that. But why the fuck would Israelites stop eating the tendon attached to the socket of the hip just because God wrestled Jacob and wounded him there? God himself didn't even say that it was a law; so it just seems like a weird, unpractical, irrational habit.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 32:2 Mahanaim means two camps .
b. Genesis 32:7 Or camps ; also in verse 10
c. Genesis 32:8 Or camp
d. Genesis 32:8 Or camp
e. Genesis 32:28 Israel means he struggles with God .
f. Genesis 32:30 Peniel means face of God .
g. Genesis 32:31 Hebrew Penuel , a variant of Peniel