An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 33

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 33

Jacob Meets Esau

¹ Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two maidservants. ² He put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. ³ He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

So we know which children he likes best! But I thought his plan was more like escaping than waiting for Esau. (Nice apparition of the obsession with the number 7 once again.) Personally, I don't think Jacob or Israel has anything to fear; he already proved he was more powerful than God himself.

⁴ But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. ⁵ Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these with you?" he asked.
Jacob answered, "They are the children God has graciously given your servant."

What a twist!

⁶ Then the maidservants and their children approached and bowed down. ⁷ Next, Leah and her children came and bowed down. Last of all came Joseph and Rachel, and they too bowed down.

So if I understand correctly, Esau has pretty much become a king to them, even though he was supposed to be Jacob's slave and even though Jacob was promised by God to be the ultimate ruler. Wow! Unless that's another case of God taking some time to fulfill his promises.

⁸ Esau asked, "What do you mean by all these droves I met?"
"To find favor in your eyes, my lord," he said.

Because Jacob is not just a deceived, he's a coward too. Even with God's protection on his side.

⁹ But Esau said, "I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself."

So Esau is a really good guy then, I always knew. He's the closest to good we've seen so far I believe.

¹⁰ "No, please!" said Jacob. "If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. ¹¹ Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need." And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

This can't be meant to be taken literally, because if it is, then God looks just like a man he hates. He's also a creature with red hair covering all his body. Jacob must just be flattering towards his brother here, to gain his trust.

¹² Then Esau said, "Let us be on our way; I'll accompany you."

Just to backstab you! What was that!? Oh, nothing!

¹³ But Jacob said to him, "My lord knows that the children are tender and that I must care for the ewes and cows that are nursing their young. If they are driven hard just one day, all the animals will die. ¹⁴ So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir."

I don't know, I just don't trust Jacob anymore, never did.

¹⁵ Esau said, "Then let me leave some of my men with you."
"But why do that?" Jacob asked. "Just let me find favor in the eyes of my lord."

No, something's not right. I hope Esau doesn't fall for this, after having been tricked out of his blessing (but turning out just fine anyway).

¹⁶ So that day Esau started on his way back to Seir. ¹⁷ Jacob, however, went to Succoth, where he built a place for himself and made shelters for his livestock. That is why the place is called Succoth. ^[a]

So Jacob finally ran away, I think. But to be fair, I'll admit that maybe Esau was just gaining his trust to backstab him later himself.

¹⁸ After Jacob came from Paddan Aram, ^[b] he arrived safely at the ^[c] city of Shechem in Canaan and camped within sight of the city. ¹⁹ For a hundred pieces of silver, ^[d] he bought from the sons of Hamor, the father of Shechem, the plot of ground where he pitched his tent. ²⁰ There he set up an altar and called it El Elohe Israel. ^[e]

He called the altar such a strange name. If Israel means "he struggles with God" and El Elohe means something like "God" or "mighty God", then the full translation of the thing would be "Mighty God of he struggles with God" or something along those lines. I can't say I'm sure, I don't understand Hebrew, but that's what I'm getting from these footnotes.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 33:17 Succoth means shelters .
b. Genesis 33:18 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
c. Genesis 33:18 Or arrived at Shalem ,
d. Genesis 33:19 Hebrew hundred kesitahs ; a kesitah was a unit of money of unknown weight and value.
e. Genesis 33:20 El Elohe Israel can mean God, the God of Israel or mighty is the God of Israel .