An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 34

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 34

Dinah and the Shechemites

¹ Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. ² When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. ³ His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. ⁴ And Shechem said to his father Hamor, "Get me this girl as my wife."

A rapist that actually loves his victim? The sad thing is that he's only a bit more immoral than other men in the Bible, because he didn't ask her in marriage first (the other men at least give a warning before having sex with the girls).

⁵ When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock; so he kept quiet about it until they came home.

Unlike today where the woman actually has something to say and can, among other things, call the police.

⁶ Then Shechem's father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob. ⁷ Now Jacob's sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were filled with grief and fury, because Shechem had done a disgraceful thing in ^[a] Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter—a thing that should not be done.

Two things to say here: first of all, they haven't done anything against Israel a.k.a. Jacob, but in fact Dinah is the most direct victim here. Secondly, at least the guy loves her and wants to marry her. There's no way I would root for such a guy in our modern "normal" world, but that's about the best thing Dinah can get in her current situation in this book, especially considering she's not a virgin anymore.

⁸ But Hamor said to them, "My son Shechem has his heart set on your daughter. Please give her to him as his wife. ⁹ Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves. ¹⁰ You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade ^[b] in it, and acquire property in it."

It seems like a fair trade to me, even if I despise the Bible for not giving women any personality or will in matters that concern them. (They're literally property, like lands.)

¹¹ Then Shechem said to Dinah's father and brothers, "Let me find favor in your eyes, and I will give you whatever you ask. ¹² Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I'll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the girl as my wife."

It's not like they have a choice at this point from my perspective. Again, I want to clarify that I find Shechem completely immoral for what he has done and only because this book is twisted can I find some fairness in this trade.

¹³ Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob's sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. ¹⁴ They said to them, "We can't do such a thing; we can't give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us. ¹⁵ We will give our consent to you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. ¹⁶ Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We'll settle among you and become one people with you. ¹⁷ But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we'll take our sister ^[c] and go."

I hope that's a trick (even if it isn't necessarily in their best interest in this book) or else all they can think about after their sister has been raped is that the guy who did it still had his foreskin on his penis. Covenant or not, that would be pretty sick to worry only about that.

¹⁸ Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. ¹⁹ The young man, who was the most honored of all his father's household, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob's daughter. ²⁰ So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to their fellow townsmen. ²¹ "These men are friendly toward us," they said. "Let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours. ²² But the men will consent to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are. ²³ Won't their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? So let us give our consent to them, and they will settle among us."

Seems like a good deal. Cut off your foreskin and you get wives and livestock!

²⁴ All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised.

Man, what a weird day!

²⁵ Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male. ²⁶ They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem's house and left. ²⁷ The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies and looted the city where ^[d] their sister had been defiled. ²⁸ They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields. ²⁹ They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.

There you go Bible, you've surpassed yourself. The family of the victim has found a way to commit something more immoral than the original crime on their sister. Their sister gets raped by one person, we could say helped by his father, and then they take vengeance by making a false deal to the whole city involving making them weaker for a while. Then they attack and kill them by surprise while they're still in their weakened state (like cowards); we're talking about people who had nothing to do in the crime and we're under the idea that a good thing was going to happen to them. They also steal everything after that, getting wealthier in the process, even acquiring many women which could only become sex slaves the way I see it.

³⁰ Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, "You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed."

All in all, their plan was bad, wasn't it?

³¹ But they replied, "Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?"

Talking about her... What about her? I mean this might be the only passage in the book where a woman was so important, except for Eve, and we don't even get a line from her. She can't speak or what? Does she have any psychological scars? Did she want her brothers to do that (which according to earlier verses seemed more about their honor than her)? Is it once again the Bible picturing a woman as an evil creature pushing men to do the worst things?

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 34:7 Or against
b. Genesis 34:10 Or move about freely ; also in verse 21
c. Genesis 34:17 Hebrew daughter
d. Genesis 34:27 Or because