Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.
New International Version
Genesis 35
Jacob Returns to Bethel
1 Then God said to Jacob, "Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau."
Well, Jacob has already built some kind of house of God in Bethel before, why do that again? I guess God is too fat to fit in one home.2 So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. 3 Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone." 4 So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. 5 Then they set out, and the terror of God fell upon the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.
Why would God do that? He's terrorizing people so that Jacob and his crew go can advance without any questions? He did set out on his way before and God had to do no such thing. (You're God, just make the guy invincible already and you're done, without the need to do anything fancy to the surrounding towns.)6 Jacob and all the people with him came to Luz (that is, Bethel) in the land of Canaan. 7 There he built an altar, and he called the place El Bethel, [a] because it was there that God revealed himself to him when he was fleeing from his brother.
The place is Luz, but he already renamed it to Bethel and built some structure to God there. Now he's making an altar for God and renaming Luz (that is, Bethel) to El Bethel, I mean why? What sense does that make?8 Now Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, died and was buried under the oak below Bethel. So it was named Allon Bacuth. [b]
I don't care about people that I don't know anything about dying. Even on the news they give me more information when someone dies and I still don't find it enough to care most of the time. (Movies and television series are better in that way, even if they're fiction, like the Bible as a matter of fact.)9 After Jacob returned from Paddan Aram, [c] God appeared to him again and blessed him. 10 God said to him, "Your name is Jacob, [d] but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel. [e] " So he named him Israel.
That's it; God is batshit insane! I had my doubts earlier, but now I know the guy does suffer from Alzheimer's disease. The strangest thing is that naming him Israel right at this moment just makes no sense compared to earlier (and not a lot earlier by the way). I just hope this time his name really becomes Israel, because people like Abraham and Sarah really did have a full name change when the Bible said so.11 And God said to him, "I am God Almighty [f] ; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you, and kings will come from your body. 12 The land I gave to Abraham and Isaac I also give to you, and I will give this land to your descendants after you." 13 Then God went up from him at the place where he had talked with him.
Is he going to repeat that thing often? It's almost beginning to sound like: "Yeah sure I'm going to do it! Soon! I promise!"14 Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. 15 Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel. [g]
How many times can a guy do the same thing and call a place Bethel or El Bethel... in the same chapter!?The Deaths of Rachel and Isaac
16 Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. 17 And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, "Don't be afraid, for you have another son." 18 As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named her son Ben-Oni. [h] But his father named him Benjamin. [i]
"Don't be afraid, for you have another son.": worst line ever? Having a son, for people who want them, is not a bad thing. But to me it just looks like she should be happy as a baby producing machine because she was useful. I find funny that even in this sad moment, Jacob can still be a jerk by not even respecting the last thing Rachel said.19 So Rachel died and was buried on the way to Ephrath (that is, Bethlehem). 20 Over her tomb Jacob set up a pillar, and to this day that pillar marks Rachel's tomb.
Well, can I see it?21 Israel moved on again and pitched his tent beyond Migdal Eder. 22 While Israel was living in that region, Reuben went in and slept with his father's concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard of it.
Jacob had twelve sons:
You know, it's not like he slept with his mother. He didn't even sleep with his father's wife. Lot got raped by his daughters, I've seen worse shit so far.23 The sons of Leah:
Reuben the firstborn of Jacob,
Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar and Zebulun.
Oh and Reuben is his firstborn, so he's the most aged. A guy has needs you know!24 The sons of Rachel:
Joseph and Benjamin.
She was a weak baby producing machine.25 The sons of Rachel's maidservant Bilhah:
Dan and Naphtali.
The slave produced as many children as his Jacob's own loved wife. That's sad...26 The sons of Leah's maidservant Zilpah:
Gad and Asher.
These were the sons of Jacob, who were born to him in Paddan Aram.
You know, I was thinking, women in the Bible have it easier than real women in the beginning of the last century for one thing. Here Jacob has 12 children with 4 women. Now just ask your grandmother and she might've had 20 children on her own. Either people in the Bible are not that fertile or they don't fuck often.27 Jacob came home to his father Isaac in Mamre, near Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron), where Abraham and Isaac had stayed. 28 Isaac lived a hundred and eighty years. 29 Then he breathed his last and died and was gathered to his people, old and full of years. And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.
Finally Esau and Jacob are reunited close to each other. Some violence coming soon? One can only hope, because this is still a boring book. I'm angry though that Isaac lives 180 years, because people definitely live less longer than in the beginning of the book, but even when a standard was set, it doesn't seem to matter entirely.Footnotes:
a. Genesis 35:7 El Bethel means God of Bethel .
b. Genesis 35:8 Allon Bacuth means oak of weeping .
c. Genesis 35:9 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia; also in verse 26
d. Genesis 35:10 Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives ).
e. Genesis 35:10 Israel means he struggles with God .
f. Genesis 35:11 Hebrew El-Shaddai
g. Genesis 35:15 Bethel means house of God .
h. Genesis 35:18 Ben-Oni means son of my trouble .
i. Genesis 35:18 Benjamin means son of my right hand .
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