An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 36

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 36

Esau's Descendants

¹ This is the account of Esau (that is, Edom).

It's either Esau or Edom, pick one.

² Esau took his wives from the women of Canaan: Adah daughter of Elon the Hittite, and Oholibamah daughter of Anah and granddaughter of Zibeon the Hivite- ³ also Basemath daughter of Ishmael and sister of Nebaioth.

Like I care. Wait, I'm sorry, but Basemath has already been introduced as the daughter of Elon the Hittite in chapter 26.

⁴ Adah bore Eliphaz to Esau, Basemath bore Reuel, ⁵ and Oholibamah bore Jeush, Jalam and Korah. These were the sons of Esau, who were born to him in Canaan.

I knew it was going to be one of those, but it's been a while since we got them, so I'll let it pass.

⁶ Esau took his wives and sons and daughters and all the members of his household, as well as his livestock and all his other animals and all the goods he had acquired in Canaan, and moved to a land some distance from his brother Jacob. ⁷ Their possessions were too great for them to remain together; the land where they were staying could not support them both because of their livestock. ⁸ So Esau (that is, Edom) settled in the hill country of Seir.

Kind of like what happened a long time ago with Abram and Lot.

⁹ This is the account of Esau the father of the Edomites in the hill country of Seir.

Is he going to populate the earth by having different children in each region? That's beginning to look like it.

¹⁰ These are the names of Esau's sons:
Eliphaz, the son of Esau's wife Adah, and Reuel, the son of Esau's wife Basemath.

So once again continuing the tradition of having only sons.

¹¹ The sons of Eliphaz:
Teman, Omar, Zepho, Gatam and Kenaz.

Nothing better to do than tell you something funny. I speak French and the word for lobster is homard, which sounds just about the same as Omar.

¹² Esau's son Eliphaz also had a concubine named Timna, who bore him Amalek. These were grandsons of Esau's wife Adah.

Of course, more polygamy (or at least fucking with many women), which I have nothing against if the girls agree too. Now if you remember correctly, it was in the fourteenth chapter that the whole territory of the Amalekites was conquered, while Abram was still alive. So who's this new Amalek character here? Just a name? A coincidence? A tribute? The territory was reestablished? It's an error? Something else entirely? (I don't care all that much, it's just a name to me frankly, but it could be a real mistake in the "holy book", though I'll give more attention other more clear mistakes later.)

¹³ The sons of Reuel:
Nahath, Zerah, Shammah and Mizzah. These were grandsons of Esau's wife Basemath.

Seriously? The children of Basemath's son are her grandchildren? Well, the more you know!

¹⁴ The sons of Esau's wife Oholibamah daughter of Anah and granddaughter of Zibeon, whom she bore to Esau:
Jeush, Jalam and Korah.

Now that I look at it carefully, Oholibamah looks a bit like Obama. It doesn't mean anything; I'm just pointing this out as a fun fact. What can I do when the chapter is so boring?

¹⁵ These were the chiefs among Esau's descendants:
The sons of Eliphaz the firstborn of Esau:
Chiefs Teman, Omar, Zepho, Kenaz, ¹⁶ Korah, ^[a] Gatam and Amalek. These were the chiefs descended from Eliphaz in Edom; they were grandsons of Adah.

Amalek is a chief? Even stranger... but I honestly don't care once again. Mistake or not, this isn't that important compared to other shit yet to come.

¹⁷ The sons of Esau's son Reuel:
Chiefs Nahath, Zerah, Shammah and Mizzah. These were the chiefs descended from Reuel in Edom; they were grandsons of Esau's wife Basemath.

Hey what's up with that Reuel guy and why is he more important than, let's say Jeush (whose children I don't hear about)?

¹⁸ The sons of Esau's wife Oholibamah:
Chiefs Jeush, Jalam and Korah. These were the chiefs descended from Esau's wife Oholibamah daughter of Anah.

At least Jeush gets to be a chief, so I guess he's important that way.

¹⁹ These were the sons of Esau (that is, Edom), and these were their chiefs.

I'm so glad to know that. Now I can live a more meaningful life!

²⁰ These were the sons of Seir the Horite, who were living in the region:
Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah, ²¹ Dishon, Ezer and Dishan. These sons of Seir in Edom were Horite chiefs.

So now for some reason we're explaining how Oholibamah came to be after knowing about her own children. I know we're talking about her because I'm seeing her ancestors' names in this list. Now there is some major confusion as to who is Anah, Oholibamah's mother, and the inconsistencies perceived in this chapter compared to previous information we had. Some people think it's just another mistake in the book, but I'm going to try to clear things up (yes, I'm helping the book I don't believe in for once) and for that I'm going to come back to a previous chapter, use information from the coming verses and use outside information. First of all, it's important to know that Oholibamah is the title given to Judith, the wife of Esau described in the twenty-sixth chapter. That woman was the daughter of Beeri; we'll talk about that soon. Now we hear that she's the daughter of Anah and granddaughter of Zibeon. We now know that Seir has a son named Zibeon and another son named Anah. That Anah can't be the right candidate, because he's Zibeon's brother, so he can't have a daughter that would be Zibeon's granddaughter. (Well he kind of could, but let's not go for the weirdest answer when we have a better one coming up.) It just happens that Zibeon has a son himself named Anah too. If that Anah has a daughter, then all works for Oholibamah's genealogy stated earlier and it just so happens that we are told that an Anah has a child named Oholibamah (they don't precise which Anah, and even if it seems otherwise from the rest of the chapter, we could assume that they're referring to that one). But there's still a problem; who's Beeri? Isn't he supposed to be the father instead of Anah? It could be that Anah IS Beeri (it should be if there's no mistake). We are told that this particular Anah is known for discovering hot springs or just water. Beeri is an Hebrew word meaning something about a well, as in a well of water, so keeping with Bible tradition, Anah could be renamed Beeri. There you have it. It seems far-fetched, but it actually has some basis. Seir, has a son named Zibeon and a son named Anah. This Anah is a brother to Zibeon and has nothing to do with Oholibamah. Zibeon has a son named Anah, also known as Beeri. Anah or Beeri has a daughter named Judith also known as Oholibamah. So Judith/Oholibamah is effectively Anah's/Beeri's (at least that Anah, not the other one) daughter and Zibeon's granddaughter. Now do you see how bad this book is? Just to understand and confirm the identity of a couple of minor characters in this book, we need to analyze every bit of information we have and don't have.

²² The sons of Lotan:
Hori and Homam. ^[b] Timna was Lotan's sister.

Is Timna a daughter of Seir and if so, why is it once again that women are set apart in this book?

²³ The sons of Shobal:
Alvan, Manahath, Ebal, Shepho and Onam.

Six Feet Under was a pretty good series and I recommend it if you haven't seen it. Nothing to do with these verse, but still check it out!

²⁴ The sons of Zibeon:
Aiah and Anah. This is the Anah who discovered the hot springs ^[c] in the desert while he was grazing the donkeys of his father Zibeon.

You see, this is where everything begins to make sense with the whole Anah Oholibamah story (well not everything, but as much sense as we can make from this information). I like how they talk about this Anah as if he was a celebrity.

²⁵ The children of Anah:
Dishon and Oholibamah daughter of Anah.

To add insult to injury, this Anah has a child he names Dishon. The other Anah has a brother named Dishon. Furthermore, Dishon is a variant of Dishan and it just so happens that in addition to Dishon, the other Anah has a brother named Dishan. If you're not confused, then go watch Inception right now. (Seriously great film and I'm kidding. It's complex, but you can understand if you follow carefully the story, unlike the Bible.)

²⁶ The sons of Dishon ^[d] :
Hemdan, Eshban, Ithran and Keran.

You might notice a problem here, because the first few of this verses were all telling us of Seir's sons' children. The previous verse, for my theory to work, has to suddenly change direction and talk about the children of Anah, not Seir's son, but instead his grandson of the same name. Then here, we're either going back to Seir's son Dishon's children or Seir's grandson's child Dishon's children. Either way, for my theory to work we never talk about the children of Anah, son of Seir, in these verses. If you don't understand anything of what I'm saying, just skip this chapter, it's crap!

²⁷ The sons of Ezer:
Bilhan, Zaavan and Akan.

Now there seems to be no confusion here, we're talking about the children of Ezer, son of Seir.

²⁸ The sons of Dishan:
Uz and Aran.

I don't even want to think once again about the Dishon being a variant of Dishan thing. It just doesn't matter here ultimately.

²⁹ These were the Horite chiefs:
Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah, ³⁰ Dishon, Ezer and Dishan. These were the Horite chiefs, according to their divisions, in the land of Seir.

I know they're the chiefs now, but damn you could've made it easier for everyone by just making the names different.

The Rulers of Edom

³¹ These were the kings who reigned in Edom before any Israelite king reigned ^[e] :

To me a king is a king, you know.

³² Bela son of Beor became king of Edom. His city was named Dinhabah.

I think this is the worst chapter so far. It's long and just entirely made of genealogy or places names.

³³ When Bela died, Jobab son of Zerah from Bozrah succeeded him as king.

I have a headache right now. God's punishment towards me or me trying to go through this and becoming tired by natural means?

³⁴ When Jobab died, Husham from the land of the Temanites succeeded him as king.

At this point, it might just be Boba Fett, I really couldn't care less.

³⁵ When Husham died, Hadad son of Bedad, who defeated Midian in the country of Moab, succeeded him as king. His city was named Avith.

I want to hear about that battle more than I want to know who's who.

³⁶ When Hadad died, Samlah from Masrekah succeeded him as king.

Man, how many years are passing by in these lines?

³⁷ When Samlah died, Shaul from Rehoboth on the river ^[f] succeeded him as king.

Do these kings have children? Because it always seems like an unrelated person becomes the next king.

³⁸ When Shaul died, Baal-Hanan son of Acbor succeeded him as king.

Baal you say?

³⁹ When Baal-Hanan son of Acbor died, Hadad ^[g] succeeded him as king. His city was named Pau, and his wife's name was Mehetabel daughter of Matred, the daughter of Me-Zahab.

Oh, we're getting some information here. Is this going to be useless like usual?

⁴⁰ These were the chiefs descended from Esau, by name, according to their clans and regions:
Timna, Alvah, Jetheth, ⁴¹ Oholibamah, Elah, Pinon, ⁴² Kenaz, Teman, Mibzar, ⁴³ Magdiel and Iram. These were the chiefs of Edom, according to their settlements in the land they occupied.
This was Esau the father of the Edomites.

Thanks for this lovely chapter. See you next time!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 36:16 Masoretic Text; Samaritan Pentateuch (see also Gen. 36:11 and 1 Chron. 1:36) does not have Korah .
b. Genesis 36:22 Hebrew Hemam , a variant of Homam (see 1 Chron. 1:39)
c. Genesis 36:24 Vulgate; Syriac discovered water ; the meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.
d. Genesis 36:26 Hebrew Dishan , a variant of Dishon
e. Genesis 36:31 Or before an Israelite king reigned over them
f. Genesis 36:37 Possibly the Euphrates
g. Genesis 36:39 Many manuscripts of the Masoretic Text, Samaritan Pentateuch and Syriac (see also 1 Chron. 1:50 most manuscripts of the Masoretic Text Hadar