An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 37

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 37

Joseph's Dreams

¹ Jacob lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan.

I guess there's some logic to this verse.

² This is the account of Jacob.
Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father's wives, and he brought their father a bad report about them.

I see Joseph is a whiny bitch then!

³ Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented ^[a] robe for him. ⁴ When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.

Jacob is being referred to by his new name Israel? I'm surprised! Now I find it really weird once again how the Bible is supposed about God living us all equal, according to some people, yet there are clearly children and whole nations favored compared to others. Of course Joseph's brothers are going to hate him if he gets everything, that's human nature. In the real world with good parents, how it works is that if you do something bad, your parents will try to help you back on the right way, maybe punish you a little bit, but they certainly won't hate you more than your brother or sister. The Bible is a tale of jealousy.

⁵ Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. ⁶ He said to them, "Listen to this dream I had: ⁷ We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it."

They hated him all the more? I myself wonder what is there to love about the guy.

⁸ His brothers said to him, "Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?" And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

If it wasn't for secular morality, would we still be trapped in this kind of world where someone gets to rule over you arbitrarily? You become his slave because God chose him or he had a dream? I know what, let me just tell you that I had a dream in which God spoke to me. He said everyone should give me their money so that they can be blessed. Start sending your money in right now. (Just for legal reasons in case I'd get in trouble, I'm going to say that I'm not really asking you for money.)

⁹ Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. "Listen," he said, "I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me."

The guy is clearly high on acid or something. The sun bowing down to a man? I don't even see how the sun can bow down. (Sunset?)

¹⁰ When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, "What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?" ¹¹ His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.

Here are two possibilities to keep in mind: it's a silly dream with no meaning. (Like I and you probably have weird dreams from time to time.) There's also the possibility that he's lying to force you to bow down to him eventually. If I was dead serious and told that to my parents, I think they'd have the right to put me in a psychiatric institution.

Joseph Sold by His Brothers

¹² Now his brothers had gone to graze their father's flocks near Shechem, ¹³ and Israel said to Joseph, "As you know, your brothers are grazing the flocks near Shechem. Come, I am going to send you to them."
"Very well," he replied.

And that's where Joseph has a dream that the universe is bowing down to him?

¹⁴ So he said to him, "Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the flocks, and bring word back to me." Then he sent him off from the Valley of Hebron.
When Joseph arrived at Shechem, ¹⁵ a man found him wandering around in the fields and asked him, "What are you looking for?"

Not much. He's just looking for a way to become ruler of the world.

¹⁶ He replied, "I'm looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are grazing their flocks?"

I don't know for you guys, but I'm sensing something wrong coming up.

¹⁷ "They have moved on from here," the man answered. "I heard them say, 'Let's go to Dothan.' "
So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. ¹⁸ But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.

I hope they do kill him. He's really searching for it, especially with the things he's saying in such a primitive world.

¹⁹ "Here comes that dreamer!" they said to each other. ²⁰ "Come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams."

My sentiments exactly!

²¹ When Reuben heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. "Let's not take his life," he said. ²² "Don't shed any blood. Throw him into this cistern here in the desert, but don't lay a hand on him." Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father.

And why would they do that?

²³ So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the richly ornamented robe he was wearing- ²⁴ and they took him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it.

Thanks for pointing that out. I kind of understood there was no water in it. Reuben's plan is to keep him alive, so it required for him to not drown.

²⁵ As they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt.

Sure, why not?

²⁶ Judah said to his brothers, "What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? ²⁷ Come, let's sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood." His brothers agreed.

So Reuben's plan is fucked then? (He planned to return Joseph to Israel.)

²⁸ So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels ^[b] of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt.

Well, Midianites or Ishmaelites?

²⁹ When Reuben returned to the cistern and saw that Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes. ³⁰ He went back to his brothers and said, "The boy isn't there! Where can I turn now?"

Where was Reuben all along?

³¹ Then they got Joseph's robe, slaughtered a goat and dipped the robe in the blood. ³² They took the ornamented robe back to their father and said, "We found this. Examine it to see whether it is your son's robe."

That's kind of a smart plan actually! I'm surprised!

³³ He recognized it and said, "It is my son's robe! Some ferocious animal has devoured him. Joseph has surely been torn to pieces."

Yep. In fact the animal was so ferocious that no body was left behind.

³⁴ Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. ³⁵ All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. "No," he said, "in mourning will I go down to the grave ^[c] to my son." So his father wept for him.

Don't worry, he's in heaven with Jesus now! Oh wait, we haven't reached that part of the Bible yet.

³⁶ Meanwhile, the Midianites ^[d] sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard.

So it's settled then, the Midianites did it.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 37:3 The meaning of the Hebrew for richly ornamented is uncertain; also in verses 23 and 32.
b. Genesis 37:28 That is, about 8 ounces (about 0.2 kilogram)
c. Genesis 37:35 Hebrew Sheol
d. Genesis 37:36 Samaritan Pentateuch, Septuagint, Vulgate and Syriac (see also verse 28 Masoretic Text Medanites