An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 38

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 38

Judah and Tamar

¹ At that time, Judah left his brothers and went down to stay with a man of Adullam named Hirah. ² There Judah met the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua. He married her and lay with her; ³ she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, who was named Er. ⁴ She conceived again and gave birth to a son and named him Onan. ⁵ She gave birth to still another son and named him Shelah. It was at Kezib that she gave birth to him.

What can you say? She's like that.

⁶ Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. ⁷ But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death.

Hum, okay... Why? The loving caring God outright slays someone.

⁸ Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." ⁹ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. ¹⁰ What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also.

OK, Bible, what the fuck is wrong with you? A brother-in-law's duty is to fuck with his brother's wife if he's dead or something like that? What about the woman, does she want that? And then they say that Onan knew the offspring would not be his, but it would be genetically speaking. And it would be either way, since his brother is dead. Then to top it off, he spills his semen on the ground (I guess the woman is not noticing for some reason) to not produce an offspring, resulting in sex just for fun basically. God doesn't like that, so he slays him instantly too. That's weird, but why is it that guys today (and women too, although they don't produce semen) can masturbate without getting killed in a mysterious way? If you're an hardcore Christian and feel there's something wrong about your natural needs or if you punish your kids when you catch them masturbating, just STOP! The Bible and God aren't true in my eyes, sure, but still think about it. You don't get slayed by the LORD for doing it anymore, that we know for sure. And if he created you, why would he put that need in you if he didn't want you to do it? It's built-in in all creatures that sexually reproduce (and it's a good thing, because if your species didn't feel this, they would have never thought about having sex and would never have reproduced and you wouldn't be here, just think), it feels good to relieve the sexual tension and living a life with sexual frustration leads people to do stupid things. Don't teach abstinence to your children, be realistic and teach them how to have clean sexual encounters (they won't catch diseases, have unwanted pregnancies and believe it or not, teaching your kids about sex will make them more aware of what it implies and when they want to have it, sometimes later than if you hadn't told them anything), because you won't stop them anyway.

¹¹ Judah then said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, "Live as a widow in your father's house until my son Shelah grows up." For he thought, "He may die too, just like his brothers." So Tamar went to live in her father's house.

Hahaha! He can't trust God anymore, because each time he sends a replacement, which happens to be his sons, they get killed.

¹² After a long time Judah's wife, the daughter of Shua, died. When Judah had recovered from his grief, he went up to Timnah, to the men who were shearing his sheep, and his friend Hirah the Adullamite went with him.

Not Shua! She was my favorite character...

¹³ When Tamar was told, "Your father-in-law is on his way to Timnah to shear his sheep," ¹⁴ she took off her widow's clothes, covered herself with a veil to disguise herself, and then sat down at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. For she saw that, though Shelah had now grown up, she had not been given to him as his wife.

What is the meaning of this treachery!? This woman is on a cock hunt!

¹⁵ When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face. ¹⁶ Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, "Come now, let me sleep with you."
"And what will you give me to sleep with you?" she asked.

Basically she's wearing a veil just like Rebekah did when she met Isaac, is that it? Was that a prostitute dress too? While we're at it, which women are considered prostitute in this book (as it seems to be easy to make a woman your wife and you can have concubines, sex slaves, etc.) and is prostitution considered bad in the eyes of the LORD? I don't know, because sometimes he kills someone who does something which doesn't seem all that bad, at other times he kills everyone, and there are these times where he doesn't punish you for something he considers really bad (read Cain).

¹⁷ "I'll send you a young goat from my flock," he said.
"Will you give me something as a pledge until you send it?" she asked.

Yes, how about I give you some semen?

¹⁸ He said, "What pledge should I give you?"
"Your seal and its cord, and the staff in your hand," she answered. So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she became pregnant by him. ¹⁹ After she left, she took off her veil and put on her widow's clothes again.

She became pregnant? Just like that? How do they know that? (I know in 9 months, but doesn't it seem out of place there?) I guess God agrees to this, because he blessed her with a child. I don't even know if that's bad what just happened. After all, he just slept with his dead son's wife, but earlier they asked the brothers of this dead guy to fuck with her and it was normal, you know. How can I know what is good or bad when it comes to sex in this book when Abraham himself slept with his sister?

²⁰ Meanwhile Judah sent the young goat by his friend the Adullamite in order to get his pledge back from the woman, but he did not find her. ²¹ He asked the men who lived there, "Where is the shrine prostitute who was beside the road at Enaim?"
"There hasn't been any shrine prostitute here," they said.

What do you know? He got tricked by a prostitute! Surprise!

²² So he went back to Judah and said, "I didn't find her. Besides, the men who lived there said, 'There hasn't been any shrine prostitute here.' "

It almost sounds like a job, being a shrine prostitute. I'm sure Christians are the first that would be against the legalization of prostitution (which is silly, because it happens anyway and in less safe situations).

²³ Then Judah said, "Let her keep what she has, or we will become a laughingstock. After all, I did send her this young goat, but you didn't find her."

Anyway, I'm sure the goat is worth more than the piece of junk you left with her. I mean your semen of course, not your objects.

²⁴ About three months later Judah was told, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution, and as a result she is now pregnant."
Judah said, "Bring her out and have her burned to death!"

He should be able to figure out what happened now. (Hey, by ordering the execution of a pregnant woman, he's killing the fetus isn't he? Reminds anyone of abortion, this thing that hardcore Christians really don't like?) So ultimately, what was bad in the act? Prostitution itself? Sleeping with a man even if she was married, but to a dead man? Getting pregnant in the act (I guess not, because Judah willingly came in the woman he thought was a common prostitute, so I don't think he would have sentenced that unknown woman to death)? I don't know.

²⁵ As she was being brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law. "I am pregnant by the man who owns these," she said. And she added, "See if you recognize whose seal and cord and staff these are."

Irony! So it was all planned in advance. Seriously I had already figured out her plan, but it could have failed rather easily. You know, she could have slept with him and not get pregnant, it's not impossible.

²⁶ Judah recognized them and said, "She is more righteous than I, since I wouldn't give her to my son Shelah." And he did not sleep with her again.

She's not more or less righteous as I see it. I just don't know what's wrong with this whole chapter, but something is. It's just that the Bible cares about what you do in bed, which just doesn't make any sense to me when there are so many things to care about other than that.

²⁷ When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. ²⁸ As she was giving birth, one of them put out his hand; so the midwife took a scarlet thread and tied it on his wrist and said, "This one came out first." ²⁹ But when he drew back his hand, his brother came out, and she said, "So this is how you have broken out!" And he was named Perez. ^{[a] 30} Then his brother, who had the scarlet thread on his wrist, came out and he was given the name Zerah. ^[b]

Man, I don't know, pregnancy in the Bible is just strange, but childbirth is the worst. The most bizarre shit happens to these women and their babies. Please no more twins in this book, because I don't want to hear about real fights inside the womb or hands coming in and out of vaginas.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 38:29 Perez means breaking out .
b. Genesis 38:30 Zerah can mean scarlet or brightness .