An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 39

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 39

Joseph and Potiphar's Wife

¹ Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there.

Oh now you're fucking with me stupid book! Last time I checked we had come to the conclusion that it was the Midianites who had brought Joseph in Egypt, not the Ishmaelites. Get your story straight man! You're an "holy book" for God's sake!

² The LORD was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. ³ When his master saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD gave him success in everything he did, ⁴ Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. ⁵ From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the LORD blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the LORD was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. ⁶ So he left in Joseph's care everything he had; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.
Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, ⁷ and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, "Come to bed with me!"

"The LORD was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master.": there we have it, the Lord was officially with Joseph, the guy who'd be proud to say to his family that he'd rule over them. "Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, 'Come to bed with me!': what's up with women in this book? They're out hunting for cock seriously. Not that I'm against it!

⁸ But he refused. "With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. ⁹ No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" ¹⁰ And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.

He's either really smart and in control of himself or she's plain ugly (he could be gay or asexual too, though not likely).

¹¹ One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. ¹² She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.

I'd need some more details to know if he's stupid. Did he left the cloak willingly or was he really running towards his destination, something like that?

¹³ When she saw that he had left his cloak in her hand and had run out of the house, ¹⁴ she called her household servants. "Look," she said to them, "this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed. ¹⁵ When he heard me scream for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house."

Oh I see! This is once again a story to tell us how evil women are, ever since Eve ate the apple and gave it to Adam, pretty much ruining humanity. I'm sorry, but in real life women are not like those in the Bible and they're not all that evil, just like men. And I'm not saying they don't like sex, because they pretty much have the same interest as men in having sex, even if slightly less (not that much by the way). I'm saying, does that story seem realistic to you, as in something that had fairly high chances of happening outside of an American movie?

¹⁶ She kept his cloak beside her until his master came home. ¹⁷ Then she told him this story: "That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me. ¹⁸ But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house."

But God could actually protect Joseph. You know, he could tell Potiphar that his wife is lying. Of course, the LORD has nothing against lying.

¹⁹ When his master heard the story his wife told him, saying, "This is how your slave treated me," he burned with anger. ²⁰ Joseph's master took him and put him in prison, the place where the king's prisoners were confined.
But while Joseph was there in the prison, ²¹ the LORD was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. ²² So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. ²³ The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the LORD was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.

This is another point in which we have evolved with time; I'm talking about the justice system and trials. You know the whole thing about "innocent until proven guilty". And the last part, about Joseph becoming the ruler of the prison because the warden saw that the LORD was with him, how unlikely does that seem? ("But nothing is unlikely with the LORD!" Oh, just shut up already!)