An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 40

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 40

The Cupbearer and the Baker

¹ Some time later, the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt offended their master, the king of Egypt. ² Pharaoh was angry with his two officials, the chief cupbearer and the chief baker, ³ and put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, in the same prison where Joseph was confined. ⁴ The captain of the guard assigned them to Joseph, and he attended them.
After they had been in custody for some time, ⁵ each of the two men—the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt, who were being held in prison—had a dream the same night, and each dream had a meaning of its own.

No, dreams have no meaning. They're a natural process of the brain while you sleep. I'm not saying dreams are useless, because you can dream about something pretty fucked up which gives you an idea to invent something like that in real life, but that was not the meaning of the dream. YOU assign meanings to dreams.

⁶ When Joseph came to them the next morning, he saw that they were dejected. ⁷ So he asked Pharaoh's officials who were in custody with him in his master's house, "Why are your faces so sad today?"

You'll never believe this; it's because of a dream... I, for instance, would be sad because I was put in prison.

⁸ "We both had dreams," they answered, "but there is no one to interpret them."
Then Joseph said to them, "Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."

Here we go, dream interpretation. Well, God's message has not been clear so far, so I picture him exactly as the kind of guy who'd communicate through dreams. But seriously, DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY in dream interpretation books or so-called experts. I'm saying this as a friendly advice. I don't care if you believe in a god, this God or if you're just spiritual or even an atheist. This is most probably a scam, exploiting your emotions to make you believe it's real. I repeat, DO NOT BE FOOLED by that, this is more important than me convincing you of not believing in God, because God might not be a huge part of your life if you're not a fundamentalist and so he doesn't matter much in what will happen for you, but I know everybody are prone to ruining themselves over things like dream interpretation, clairvoyance or faith healing (well, that last one would require faith). People who practice these are often professional scam artists and will easily fool you. It will seem real to you, even if it isn't. I'm being honest even if I might just be a dirty atheist to you.

⁹ So the chief cupbearer told Joseph his dream. He said to him, "In my dream I saw a vine in front of me, ¹⁰ and on the vine were three branches. As soon as it budded, it blossomed, and its clusters ripened into grapes. ¹¹ Pharaoh's cup was in my hand, and I took the grapes, squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and put the cup in his hand."

Sounds like what a cupbearer would do to me, so it's normal that he would make such a dream.

¹² "This is what it means," Joseph said to him. "The three branches are three days. ¹³ Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position, and you will put Pharaoh's cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer. ¹⁴ But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison. ¹⁵ For I was forcibly carried off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing to deserve being put in a dungeon."

That's quite a lame interpretation. Basically, apart from the trees, his dream is pretty straightforward. I really don't understand though what Joseph has to do with this. Why would he be removed from the prison for revealing to the cupbearer what would have eventually happened anyway?

¹⁶ When the chief baker saw that Joseph had given a favorable interpretation, he said to Joseph, "I too had a dream: On my head were three baskets of bread. ^{[a] 17} In the top basket were all kinds of baked goods for Pharaoh, but the birds were eating them out of the basket on my head."

That's pretty realistic. I real human would be encouraged by a favorable interpretation. In fact, that's what most scam artists will do; give you favorable interpretations so that when you come out of their office you'll tell other people how good they are. I'm going to give you the real facts why he had that dream. It's a fucking dream people, he just took recent events from his life, mixed them with random things he was thinking about and there you are. (For instance, if I have a tough day at work or school, I'll probably dream about that the following night, but maybe zombies will invade the place because I just thought about them or saw a movie about them before going to sleep. Does this mean anything? NO!!!)

¹⁸ "This is what it means," Joseph said. "The three baskets are three days. ¹⁹ Within three days Pharaoh will lift off your head and hang you on a tree. ^[b] And the birds will eat away your flesh."

That's what a real clairvoyant or anything of the kind wouldn't tell you usually. Of course, in the Bible, Joseph really has a connection with God so he's really telling the truth. In the real world though, there's no such thing.

²⁰ Now the third day was Pharaoh's birthday, and he gave a feast for all his officials. He lifted up the heads of the chief cupbearer and the chief baker in the presence of his officials: ²¹ He restored the chief cupbearer to his position, so that he once again put the cup into Pharaoh's hand, ²² but he hanged ^[c] the chief baker, just as Joseph had said to them in his interpretation.

I knew it would happen; you don't have to tell me. The Bible is all about making predictions and fulfilling these predictions after the facts it would seem. I could easily write a book like that myself you know, it's not a big deal. (Have you noticed though that we never knew why Pharaoh was angry with these two guys and why he chose to kill one of them, not the other?)

²³ The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.

As I said, I didn't even understand how it was supposed to get him out of prison anyway. Because he has the power to interpret dreams? I mean, Pharaoh put him in prison knowing that the LORD was with the guy.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 40:16 Or three wicker baskets
b. Genesis 40:19 Or and impale you on a pole
c. Genesis 40:22 Or impaled