An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 41

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 41

Pharaoh's Dreams

¹ When two full years had passed, Pharaoh had a dream: He was standing by the Nile, ² when out of the river there came up seven cows, sleek and fat, and they grazed among the reeds. ³ After them, seven other cows, ugly and gaunt, came up out of the Nile and stood beside those on the riverbank. ⁴ And the cows that were ugly and gaunt ate up the seven sleek, fat cows. Then Pharaoh woke up.

You know, I'm beginning to think that the whole belief in God is a dream since there are so many dreams in the book.

⁵ He fell asleep again and had a second dream: Seven heads of grain, healthy and good, were growing on a single stalk. ⁶ After them, seven other heads of grain sprouted—thin and scorched by the east wind. ⁷ The thin heads of grain swallowed up the seven healthy, full heads. Then Pharaoh woke up; it had been a dream.

Another dream? I'm becoming CRAZY!!!

⁸ In the morning his mind was troubled, so he sent for all the magicians and wise men of Egypt. Pharaoh told them his dreams, but no one could interpret them for him.

I know right? The guy has fucked up dreams! Hey listen, last night I dreamt that I was a giant cockroach fighting Godzilla in the streets of Manhattan. The dream ended when Godzilla took a crap in my mouth and I drowned in his feces. What does that mean?

⁹ Then the chief cupbearer said to Pharaoh, "Today I am reminded of my shortcomings. ¹⁰ Pharaoh was once angry with his servants, and he imprisoned me and the chief baker in the house of the captain of the guard. ¹¹ Each of us had a dream the same night, and each dream had a meaning of its own. ¹² Now a young Hebrew was there with us, a servant of the captain of the guard. We told him our dreams, and he interpreted them for us, giving each man the interpretation of his dream. ¹³ And things turned out exactly as he interpreted them to us: I was restored to my position, and the other man was hanged. ^[a] "

Man, they're according such importance to these FUCKING DREAMS! If they imply something true, it will happen and there's nothing you could do about it. But is everybody always wondering what their dream is about in this book? That or they just never have any dreams. Sure, thousands of years ago dreams were a pretty mysterious thing. They still are today in a way, especially for us, but experts have a pretty good idea of how and why they happen.

¹⁴ So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, and he was quickly brought from the dungeon. When he had shaved and changed his clothes, he came before Pharaoh.

Everything looks like a bad movie scenario in this book. You have a character. He's good. Something bad happens to him. You introduce a concept that you then use by force in the next chapter to get him out of this bad situation. I mean it; the previous chapter was there only to introduce us to the concept that Joseph could interpret dreams so that he would get out later.

¹⁵ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I had a dream, and no one can interpret it. But I have heard it said of you that when you hear a dream you can interpret it."

I heard you're some kind of professional bullshitter if you will.

¹⁶ "I cannot do it," Joseph replied to Pharaoh, "but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires."

Yeah, always important to remind us that a higher power is necessary to resolve all our problems. That's how AA works for instance, among other places like that.

¹⁷ Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, "In my dream I was standing on the bank of the Nile, ¹⁸ when out of the river there came up seven cows, fat and sleek, and they grazed among the reeds. ¹⁹ After them, seven other cows came up—scrawny and very ugly and lean. I had never seen such ugly cows in all the land of Egypt. ²⁰ The lean, ugly cows ate up the seven fat cows that came up first. ²¹ But even after they ate them, no one could tell that they had done so; they looked just as ugly as before. Then I woke up.

OK, could you spare me, the read, all the details I've just learned about barely a few verses earlier?

²² "In my dreams I also saw seven heads of grain, full and good, growing on a single stalk. ²³ After them, seven other heads sprouted—withered and thin and scorched by the east wind. ²⁴ The thin heads of grain swallowed up the seven good heads. I told this to the magicians, but none could explain it to me."

I wonder why that is?

²⁵ Then Joseph said to Pharaoh, "The dreams of Pharaoh are one and the same. God has revealed to Pharaoh what he is about to do. ²⁶ The seven good cows are seven years, and the seven good heads of grain are seven years; it is one and the same dream. ²⁷ The seven lean, ugly cows that came up afterward are seven years, and so are the seven worthless heads of grain scorched by the east wind: They are seven years of famine.

Oh hi obsession with the number 7! Now, other than finding why God always works in 7, why would he do something like that?

²⁸ "It is just as I said to Pharaoh: God has shown Pharaoh what he is about to do. ²⁹ Seven years of great abundance are coming throughout the land of Egypt, ³⁰ but seven years of famine will follow them. Then all the abundance in Egypt will be forgotten, and the famine will ravage the land. ³¹ The abundance in the land will not be remembered, because the famine that follows it will be so severe. ³² The reason the dream was given to Pharaoh in two forms is that the matter has been firmly decided by God, and God will do it soon.

Sounds like God has a solid case if he's firmly decided to proceed with that. So what's the fucking reason anyway?

³³ "And now let Pharaoh look for a discerning and wise man and put him in charge of the land of Egypt. ³⁴ Let Pharaoh appoint commissioners over the land to take a fifth of the harvest of Egypt during the seven years of abundance. ³⁵ They should collect all the food of these good years that are coming and store up the grain under the authority of Pharaoh, to be kept in the cities for food. ³⁶ This food should be held in reserve for the country, to be used during the seven years of famine that will come upon Egypt, so that the country may not be ruined by the famine."

Why?

³⁷ The plan seemed good to Pharaoh and to all his officials. ³⁸ So Pharaoh asked them, "Can we find anyone like this man, one in whom is the spirit of God ^[b] ?"

Oh geez, let me guess: JOSEPH!?

³⁹ Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. ⁴⁰ You shall be in charge of my palace, and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you."

Like I said, Joseph is a professional bullshitter.

Joseph in Charge of Egypt

⁴¹ So Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I hereby put you in charge of the whole land of Egypt." ⁴² Then Pharaoh took his signet ring from his finger and put it on Joseph's finger. He dressed him in robes of fine linen and put a gold chain around his neck. ⁴³ He had him ride in a chariot as his second-in-command, ^[c] and men shouted before him, "Make way ^[d] !" Thus he put him in charge of the whole land of Egypt.

Well of course, that's absolutely likely. In all seriousness, did God prepare this little plan just to put Joseph in this position? Because that would not only be unnecessary, but pretty evil.

⁴⁴ Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I am Pharaoh, but without your word no one will lift hand or foot in all Egypt." ⁴⁵ Pharaoh gave Joseph the name Zaphenath-Paneah and gave him Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On, ^[e] to be his wife. And Joseph went throughout the land of Egypt.

Wow, that's actually really insulting towards Potiphera!

⁴⁶ Joseph was thirty years old when he entered the service of Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from Pharaoh's presence and traveled throughout Egypt. ⁴⁷ During the seven years of abundance the land produced plentifully. ⁴⁸ Joseph collected all the food produced in those seven years of abundance in Egypt and stored it in the cities. In each city he put the food grown in the fields surrounding it. ⁴⁹ Joseph stored up huge quantities of grain, like the sand of the sea; it was so much that he stopped keeping records because it was beyond measure.

You know what would happen if I was to speak to my government tomorrow and tell him that God told me to do something like this? I would not be taken seriously and they would be right. Why is it that so many politicians are believers, yet they would never act like they're supposed to according to the Bible? It's almost as if they realize somewhere deep down that the real world and the Bible live in a different world. Now I know it's not going to happen, but how funny would that be if Joseph was wrong?

⁵⁰ Before the years of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. ⁵¹ Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh ^[f] and said, "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." ⁵² The second son he named Ephraim ^[g] and said, "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

So if my life is pretty bad when my wife gives me a kid (not that I have a wife and plan to have kids), I'll call my child Depression.

⁵³ The seven years of abundance in Egypt came to an end, ⁵⁴ and the seven years of famine began, just as Joseph had said. There was famine in all the other lands, but in the whole land of Egypt there was food. ⁵⁵ When all Egypt began to feel the famine, the people cried to Pharaoh for food. Then Pharaoh told all the Egyptians, "Go to Joseph and do what he tells you."

You know, miracles like that don't happen in today's world where we mostly know what causes what. The Bible wants me to believe that magically the entire world stopped producing food. And still, apart from making Joseph rich, why did God do that again? Well, he did say that he would never make another flood, but he didn't say anything about famine.

⁵⁶ When the famine had spread over the whole country, Joseph opened the storehouses and sold grain to the Egyptians, for the famine was severe throughout Egypt. ⁵⁷ And all the countries came to Egypt to buy grain from Joseph, because the famine was severe in all the world.

So all the countries in the world went to Egypt to get food, right? ALL the countries? OK, sorry I can't believe that, but for the sake of the book I'll go along with it. I can already guess what's coming. It means that Joseph's father and brothers are going to meet him right?

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 41:13 Or impaled
b. Genesis 41:38 Or of the gods
c. Genesis 41:43 Or in the chariot of his second-in-command ; or in his second chariot
d. Genesis 41:43 Or Bow down
e. Genesis 41:45 That is, Heliopolis; also in verse 50
f. Genesis 41:51 Manasseh sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for forget .
g. Genesis 41:52 Ephraim sounds like the Hebrew for twice fruitful .