An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 42

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 42

Joseph's Brothers Go to Egypt

¹ When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt, he said to his sons, "Why do you just keep looking at each other?" ² He continued, "I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die."

Seems like a good option, I've got to admit.

³ Then ten of Joseph's brothers went down to buy grain from Egypt. ⁴ But Jacob did not send Benjamin, Joseph's brother, with the others, because he was afraid that harm might come to him. ⁵ So Israel's sons were among those who went to buy grain, for the famine was in the land of Canaan also.

Jacob or Israel? Make up your damn mind! And of course the famine is in the land of Canaan, it's not like you have to give me the details on that. I already know the famine is all over the world.

⁶ Now Joseph was the governor of the land, the one who sold grain to all its people. So when Joseph's brothers arrived, they bowed down to him with their faces to the ground. ⁷ As soon as Joseph saw his brothers, he recognized them, but he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them. "Where do you come from?" he asked.
"From the land of Canaan," they replied, "to buy food."

Now Joseph's earliest dream is happening. How is that possible if that isn't true? Well maybe because this book is a work of fiction and you can write anything you want in those.

⁸ Although Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him. ⁹ Then he remembered his dreams about them and said to them, "You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected."

How the fuck aren't they recognizing him? They know he's not dead. They knew he's somewhere in these lands. They probably even know that the guy in front of them is called Joseph if they're trying to buy food from him.

¹⁰ "No, my lord," they answered. "Your servants have come to buy food. ¹¹ We are all the sons of one man. Your servants are honest men, not spies."

In our real world, what Joseph had just done to them is an accusation not backed up by proof. You're not allowed to do that you know.

¹² "No!" he said to them. "You have come to see where our land is unprotected."

Nobody is suspecting that something is going on with Joseph? Does he frequently make these accusations?

¹³ But they replied, "Your servants were twelve brothers, the sons of one man, who lives in the land of Canaan. The youngest is now with our father, and one is no more."

Can't wait to see what's in store for them next...

¹⁴ Joseph said to them, "It is just as I told you: You are spies! ¹⁵ And this is how you will be tested: As surely as Pharaoh lives, you will not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here. ¹⁶ Send one of your number to get your brother; the rest of you will be kept in prison, so that your words may be tested to see if you are telling the truth. If you are not, then as surely as Pharaoh lives, you are spies!" ¹⁷ And he put them all in custody for three days.

Is Joseph just doing that because he wants to see his youngest brother or out of revenge? I don't know, but I know the Bible gives some importance to vengeance usually, unlike what your good Christian friends might tell you that vengeance is bad and serves no purpose. Finally, is the Bible finding a new obsession with the number 3?

¹⁸ On the third day, Joseph said to them, "Do this and you will live, for I fear God: ¹⁹ If you are honest men, let one of your brothers stay here in prison, while the rest of you go and take grain back for your starving households. ²⁰ But you must bring your youngest brother to me, so that your words may be verified and that you may not die." This they proceeded to do.

Seriously they were ready to kill him before and they finally sold him as a slave. How can he expect them not to leave one of their brothers in prison to die and never come back? Of course, they'll come back since it's this book and not something actually well written.

²¹ They said to one another, "Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that's why this distress has come upon us."

Hey, nothing magical here guys. The man IS your brother; he's the one punishing you. It's quite natural actually. I still don't get how you would not recognize him, not a single one of you.

²² Reuben replied, "Didn't I tell you not to sin against the boy? But you wouldn't listen! Now we must give an accounting for his blood." ²³ They did not realize that Joseph could understand them, since he was using an interpreter.

Well no matter what he does, they didn't even recognize him to begin with. It's almost as if this story was forced to work by making the characters dumber than they could actually be.

²⁴ He turned away from them and began to weep, but then turned back and spoke to them again. He had Simeon taken from them and bound before their eyes.

What's funny is that he finds this sad, yet it seems like it was always his destiny according to his earliest dream. It's like some Christians who are angry with Jews which they accuse of having killed their savior Jesus Christ, yet they think it was destined to be and necessary for people to be saved.

²⁵ Joseph gave orders to fill their bags with grain, to put each man's silver back in his sack, and to give them provisions for their journey. After this was done for them, ²⁶ they loaded their grain on their donkeys and left.

Once again, I'm stunned that nobody in Pharaoh's administration suspect that something is going on between Joseph and these guys.

²⁷ At the place where they stopped for the night one of them opened his sack to get feed for his donkey, and he saw his silver in the mouth of his sack. ²⁸ "My silver has been returned," he said to his brothers. "Here it is in my sack."
Their hearts sank and they turned to each other trembling and said, "What is this that God has done to us?"

In a way, this passage is more about criticizing people of faith than anything else. I know it's strange, but listen to me. You see how they always think that God has punished them, attributing something magical to the situation because they don't have all the details (such as the guy was actually Joseph and he's the one playing all these tricks on them). It's just like these hardcore Christians always attributing God to everything mysterious, good or bad, which happens. Maybe they just don't know all the details.

²⁹ When they came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan, they told him all that had happened to them. They said, ³⁰ "The man who is lord over the land spoke harshly to us and treated us as though we were spying on the land. ³¹ But we said to him, 'We are honest men; we are not spies. ³² We were twelve brothers, sons of one father. One is no more, and the youngest is now with our father in Canaan.'

If the verse had just said: "And they told him what happened." I'd have been more satisfied than hearing the same story over and over again.

³³ "Then the man who is lord over the land said to us, 'This is how I will know whether you are honest men: Leave one of your brothers here with me, and take food for your starving households and go. ³⁴ But bring your youngest brother to me so I will know that you are not spies but honest men. Then I will give your brother back to you, and you can trade ^[a] in the land.' "

I can't believe they still don't know it was Joseph all along.

³⁵ As they were emptying their sacks, there in each man's sack was his pouch of silver! When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened. ³⁶ Their father Jacob said to them, "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!"

"When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened.": but they've already seen the money pouches earlier or at least one of them. What I'm saying is that they should not be that surprised a second time, unless it's a mistake and one of these verses wasn't supposed to be in the book. "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin.": OK, from the perspective of the reader, we know that all is their fault. But the guy or guys who wrote this story should know better. Jacob/Israel is not omniscient and shouldn't know these details, so why is he angry at them in particular? If you want my advice, I just think it's possible that the verse is badly written and that they basically fucked up.

³⁷ Then Reuben said to his father, "You may put both of my sons to death if I do not bring him back to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him back."

Don't say something like that. Have you forgotten you're in the Bible? The worst could happen and most probably would happen.

³⁸ But Jacob said, "My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave ^[b] in sorrow."

Jacob has spoken and he has chosen his favorite among the brothers. Simeon shall be terminated! The way I see it, when a supposedly good guy, chosen by the LORD, lies, he gets away with it just fine (think about Isaac who told to Abimelech that Rebekah was his sister for example). When bad guys, not chosen by the LORD, lie, they don't get what they wanted (like this situation here, with these brothers never informing their father that Joseph was alive, now facing the decision of their father to not follow in with the terrorist's demands and risking the life of their other brother Simeon over nothing).

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 42:34 Or move about freely
b. Genesis 42:38 Hebrew Sheol