An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 43

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 43

The Second Journey to Egypt

¹ Now the famine was still severe in the land. ² So when they had eaten all the grain they had brought from Egypt, their father said to them, "Go back and buy us a little more food."

Their father is becoming godlike. By that I mean he's beginning to forget important details.

³ But Judah said to him, "The man warned us solemnly, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' ⁴ If you will send our brother along with us, we will go down and buy food for you. ⁵ But if you will not send him, we will not go down, because the man said to us, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' "

I guess Joseph must be beginning to regret his choice of not telling them who he was. He was probably sure that they'd come back in the next few days, but he had to wait until they ate all he gave them. (Hey, come to think of it, had there been no lies from the beginning, they could have told their father that Joseph was still alive and that he wanted to see his little brother. And it would have been easier to believe than to rely on the fact that they wouldn't recognize him.)

⁶ Israel asked, "Why did you bring this trouble on me by telling the man you had another brother?"

That is a good question though. Being who he is, he would have known anyway, but they didn't know who he was, so they should have hidden details like that.

⁷ They replied, "The man questioned us closely about ourselves and our family. 'Is your father still living?' he asked us. 'Do you have another brother?' We simply answered his questions. How were we to know he would say, 'Bring your brother down here'?"

And they didn't get that the man was their brother? It's like me asking my brother: "Hey, is mom still OK?" If my face wasn't enough for him to recognize me, I think details like that would send him on the right way. But of course not, as my brother suffers from severe mental illnesses... (Yeah for real, sadly. But he's not violent, that's good.)

⁸ Then Judah said to Israel his father, "Send the boy along with me and we will go at once, so that we and you and our children may live and not die. ⁹ I myself will guarantee his safety; you can hold me personally responsible for him. If I do not bring him back to you and set him here before you, I will bear the blame before you all my life. ¹⁰ As it is, if we had not delayed, we could have gone and returned twice."

But Reuben even promised his children's lives before and that didn't work. So do you seriously think a weak compromise like that will change the man's mind?

¹¹ Then their father Israel said to them, "If it must be, then do this: Put some of the best products of the land in your bags and take them down to the man as a gift—a little balm and a little honey, some spices and myrrh, some pistachio nuts and almonds. ¹² Take double the amount of silver with you, for you must return the silver that was put back into the mouths of your sacks. Perhaps it was a mistake. ¹³ Take your brother also and go back to the man at once. ¹⁴ And may God Almighty ^[a] grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you. As for me, if I am bereaved, I am bereaved."

Seems like he actually accepted the request. I'm surprised a little (OK, not really to be honest). "And may God Almighty grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you.": that's right! Where was God all along? He used to be constantly annoying people like Abraham and Isaac.

¹⁵ So the men took the gifts and double the amount of silver, and Benjamin also. They hurried down to Egypt and presented themselves to Joseph. ¹⁶ When Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house, "Take these men to my house, slaughter an animal and prepare dinner; they are to eat with me at noon."

Once again, the steward of this house must find Joseph's behavior pretty strange when he's around those people.

¹⁷ The man did as Joseph told him and took the men to Joseph's house. ¹⁸ Now the men were frightened when they were taken to his house. They thought, "We were brought here because of the silver that was put back into our sacks the first time. He wants to attack us and overpower us and seize us as slaves and take our donkeys."

Don't you get you morons that the silver was in your pouches because he put it back in there? Anyone would have their suspicions at least. Anyone that is not dumb enough to think that the whole thing was done by magic and that God was punishing them.

¹⁹ So they went up to Joseph's steward and spoke to him at the entrance to the house. ²⁰ "Please, sir," they said, "we came down here the first time to buy food. ²¹ But at the place where we stopped for the night we opened our sacks and each of us found his silver—the exact weight—in the mouth of his sack. So we have brought it back with us. ²² We have also brought additional silver with us to buy food. We don't know who put our silver in our sacks."

So they really did find the money before reaching their father's place. Man, this is confusing stuff, and not for the right reasons. It's like you don't have to focus too much on the details, but sometimes you have to.

²³ "It's all right," he said. "Don't be afraid. Your God, the God of your father, has given you treasure in your sacks; I received your silver." Then he brought Simeon out to them.

I still find that very strange when they talk about "Your God" or "the God of your father" in this book. It's almost as if to say: "Oh no, not that God. That one is reserved for the Egyptians. I'm talking about your God, the God of the Hebrews." (What I mean is that many details in the book make me reach the conclusion that it acknowledges there being other gods, but only that one is better. Or maybe it's not even a question of you choosing which one is good for you, but being destined from birth to that God. God chose me type of thing. This is just silly.)

²⁴ The steward took the men into Joseph's house, gave them water to wash their feet and provided fodder for their donkeys. ²⁵ They prepared their gifts for Joseph's arrival at noon, because they had heard that they were to eat there.

They're still not suspecting a thing. That's how you know that all these people are the result of generations of inbreeding.

²⁶ When Joseph came home, they presented to him the gifts they had brought into the house, and they bowed down before him to the ground. ²⁷ He asked them how they were, and then he said, "How is your aged father you told me about? Is he still living?"

He was living the last time you asked about him, which could not have been that long ago (they could have gone and went twice during the time between their two visits according to an earlier verse).

²⁸ They replied, "Your servant our father is still alive and well." And they bowed low to pay him honor.

Doesn't it look like people are actually worshipping a human being instead of a God here?

²⁹ As he looked about and saw his brother Benjamin, his own mother's son, he asked, "Is this your youngest brother, the one you told me about?" And he said, "God be gracious to you, my son." ³⁰ Deeply moved at the sight of his brother, Joseph hurried out and looked for a place to weep. He went into his private room and wept there.

I hope that can raise their doubts about who he really is. The man doesn't seem to be so subtle now.

³¹ After he had washed his face, he came out and, controlling himself, said, "Serve the food."

I can't imagine the questions that might be going through their heads. The guy who's supposed to give them food for the famine, like he did for many other people, accuses them of being spies for no reason. Then he goes on to capture one of them under the threat of killing them unless they bring back the youngest brother. When they finally give in to his demands, he serves them food with no explanation.

³² They served him by himself, the brothers by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because Egyptians could not eat with Hebrews, for that is detestable to Egyptians. ³³ The men had been seated before him in the order of their ages, from the firstborn to the youngest; and they looked at each other in astonishment. ³⁴ When portions were served to them from Joseph's table, Benjamin's portion was five times as much as anyone else's. So they feasted and drank freely with him.

"They served him by himself, the brothers by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because Egyptians could not eat with Hebrews, for that is detestable to Egyptians.": would that be racism in our "holy book"? Makes the pledge of allegiance in the United States more ironic "one nation under God, indivisible". "When portions were served to them from Joseph's table, Benjamin's portion was five times as much as anyone else's.": wait, I know this story. When the boy is fattened up enough, the witch eats him.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 43:14 Hebrew El-Shaddai