The World with No God

Monday, July 19, 2010

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 18

OK, there are definitely more angels than one it seems. Why is it that Abraham is always alone, in the heat, sleeping, strained from efforts or something like that when God appears to him?

³ He said, "If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, ^[a] do not pass your servant by. ⁴ Let a little water be brought, and then you may all wash your feet and rest under this tree. ⁵ Let me get you something to eat, so you can be refreshed and then go on your way—now that you have come to your servant."
"Very well," they answered, "do as you say."

You know, it's strange for me to think of God or angels or whatever needing to be washed and rest, also eat. It's such a strange concept for supernatural beings, perfect beings. But as you may know, God is basically a projection of the believer's own mind.

⁶ So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah. "Quick," he said, "get three seahs ^[b] of fine flour and knead it and bake some bread."

Come on female, do something! Make yourself useful for me and don't ask me why!

⁷ Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it. ⁸ He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.

If I am to understand that these... angels eat, should I understand that when animal sacrifices are made, God eats too? He drinks their blood? Oh my God, God is a vampire! That all makes sense! Oh wait, it doesn't...

⁹ "Where is your wife Sarah?" they asked him.
"There, in the tent," he said.

Why, do they want to rape her? After all, she's only a 90+ years old beauty!

¹⁰ Then the LORD ^[c] said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son."
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master ^[d] is old, will I now have this pleasure?"

At least, I see that the writer of this passage knew that women couldn't have babies past a certain age, but what's up with the Bible always repeating itself? For many different events and in fact, some statements are repeated through different events as if the previous event where they were said never occurred. It's not like the writer could have forgotten about it, it was written in just the previous chapter. Well, that's because there's not one writer, but many writers. How can that be inspired by God? God would never communicate in such a way for obvious reasons.

¹³ Then the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the LORD ? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

Yeah, why should people laugh at what the LORD says? I already said that it does tell you something about your God when people directly in his presence would laugh at him. But has the LORD forgotten that Abraham did before the same as Sarah just did?

¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, "I did not laugh."
But he said, "Yes, you did laugh."

And they even lie in his face. That's not just the Bible telling you that humans are stupid. I think there's more to that. I see the Bible describing a God that's ridiculous and doesn't deserve the respect that people give him today.

Abraham Pleads for Sodom

¹⁶ When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, and Abraham walked along with them to see them on their way. ¹⁷ Then the LORD said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do? ¹⁸ Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. ¹⁹ For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

Wow, this is seriously one of the stranger things I've read so far in this book. Is the LORD speaking to his angels, asking them for advice? It's like a politician and his counselors, another case of the Bible showing a projection of humans, not of a God. You know what's more weird in this passage though? It just seems like God is afraid of Abraham, as if he could stop him or make him change his mind. I mean, he's God, he already knows everything that could and will happen so Abraham can't do anything against him.

²⁰ Then the LORD said, "The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous ²¹ that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know."

What sin? They only talk about them sinning, but we don't know what they're doing wrong. And isn't God omnipresent? He doesn't need to send angels to report back to him, it's like running an administration and that's just ridiculous. (Take it as more evidence that the Bible was written by men, no inspiration from a real God.)

²² The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the LORD. ^[e] ²³ Then Abraham approached him and said: "Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? ²⁴ What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare ^[f] the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? ²⁵ Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge ^[g] of all the earth do right?"

Yeah, I'm with Abraham here. Furthermore, God could kill only the wicked instead of everyone if he wanted to. We sometimes (or often) kill innocents by bombing enemy territories, but that's only because we have no other choices (or our politicians are evil), we're not perfect beings and we don't have the required powers to select who to kill precisely.

²⁶ The LORD said, "If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake."

Anyway, how wicked are the people to require the wiping out of their city?

²⁷ Then Abraham spoke up again: "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, ²⁸ what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city because of five people?"
"If I find forty-five there," he said, "I will not destroy it."

Good to know, you can actually negotiate with God.

²⁹ Once again he spoke to him, "What if only forty are found there?"
He said, "For the sake of forty, I will not do it."

OK, I'm seeing a pattern here. It's one of "those" passages in the Bible.

³⁰ Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?"
He answered, "I will not do it if I find thirty there."

OK, just say how low you will go already. (And why isn't Abraham smart enough to ask the same questions as I did?)

³¹ Abraham said, "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?"
He said, "For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it."

Anyway, I can't think of a city without at least 20 or even 50 good people. What are God's standards if finding just 20 good people seems like a hard task?

³² Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?"
He answered, "For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it."

Why does Abraham want to stop at ten? I'd have gone lower. Actually, can there be reason enough for God to destroy the city if even only 1 person is righteous? If the answer is yes, it makes me doubt that humanity was so bad when he unleashed a flood on the earth.

³³ When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.

Ah, but the LORD can't leave, for he is everywhere!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 18:3 Or O Lord
b. Genesis 18:6 That is, probably about 20 quarts (about 22 liters)
c. Genesis 18:10 Hebrew Then he
d. Genesis 18:12 Or husband
e. Genesis 18:22 Masoretic Text; an ancient Hebrew scribal tradition but the LORD remained standing before Abraham
f. Genesis 18:24 Or forgive ; also in verse 26
g. Genesis 18:25 Or Ruler

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 17

I find it laughable how God appears to Abram as if it was the first time and he didn't know him while we all know that he's constantly annoying him. God is asking a human a lot when we know that he considers this species to be one of the most abominable things he created; he wants Abram to be blameless (easier to understand as perfect in other translations, which only God is supposed to be by the way). Now, why did God wait so long to confirm his covenant with Abram? I mean, he already had the time to have a child with another woman since then, which I was beginning to think was him fulfilling his promise actually (let's not forget that even the numerous descendants part of the deal is fulfilled since Hagar was promised to get lots of them, well unless it was with other men).

³ Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, ⁴ "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. ⁵ No longer will you be called Abram ^[b] ; your name will be Abraham, ^[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. ⁶ I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. ⁷ I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. ⁸ The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God."

"Abram fell facedown": Ha ha ha ha ha! "No longer will you be called Abram ; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations.": once again, what is it with the Bible and names? I can just imagine the scene when he came back home to his wife: "Hi honey! Hi, where were you? Oh I just met God; prepare yourself, it looks like you're going to be pregnant soon! Sweet, I knew he would help us! Oh, also my name is now Abraham, so please call me by this name from now on, OK?" I mean, this is ridiculous! My name is Bobby, it probably means something, but I'm not named Bobby for a particular reason other than my parents chose that name and thought it would be OK. "The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God.": I will repeat myself, don't make a promise you can't keep! And I do have the right to repeat myself, because not only was this promise already stated before, but God just now promised twice in a row (in two consecutive sentences) that he would be Abram's people's God. Does he think he's that important? In all seriousness though, this does bring up the question: are the other gods to have? It looks like God is making a deal with the people to worship him exclusively, as if there were other gods around for other people. This comes in direct contradiction with the belief that there is only one God, which is what the believers of this book will tell you.

⁹ Then God said to Abraham, "As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. ¹⁰ This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised. ¹¹ You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. ¹² For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring. ¹³ Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised. My covenant in your flesh is to be an everlasting covenant. ¹⁴ Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant."

"For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring.": ouch, I wonder how well that passed to tell his people that every little boy would have to get his foreskin removed. Anyway, people nowadays can be believers without doing that, because people choose for themselves which part of the Bible they think is true, which makes it pointless. The most important part to note is that God directly speaks of people you buy with money. He's talking about slaves; don't even try to deny it. "Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.": how about that you believers out there who aren't circumcised (I myself am not circumcised)? And what is God thinking? He said you do that at 8 days old. Now, he must know that an 8 days old baby can't decide for himself whether or some skin on his penis is cut off. It isn't his fault and he's punished for that. And let me just tell you this is plain ridiculous. Why make humans be born that way if you want them to remove some skin after that (I guess this is to distinguish those who chose to follow his covenant from those who didn't, at 8 days old). Also, this is a barbaric procedure since we know in our modern days that the foreskin which is cut off during circumcision contains highly erogenous nerve endings. Yes it does happen that the foreskin needs to be removed for medical reasons and if that ever happens to me it won't be a punition from God for me talking against it now. It just happens and only when the need arises should you proceed with the operation. Cutting the foreskin on a baby who can't even speak for himself, making the choice for him that he won't be able to feel the same things as he should have during sexual intercourse ever, that's immoral.

¹⁵ God also said to Abraham, "As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. ¹⁶ I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her."

Another name change, why? But more importantly, I just think that what might've happened was that an old woman (though probably not as old as the book says) became pregnant for the first time in her life and they attributed a miracle to it and built a story around it, implying God in the process somehow (I'm not saying the whole Bible is designed around that woman, but Abram's story could be). We know with modern science that this can happen naturally although very rarely (we've seen women over 60 up to 70 give birth to babies). Maybe the woman was not very fertile, but not completely infertile and maybe she was not in her menopause yet. Our bodies do strange things from time to time and fertility specialists can now examine you to determine if you have any eggs left if you are a woman, instead of saying it's magic.

¹⁷ Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?" ¹⁸ And Abraham said to God, "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!"

Damn, Abraham speaks to God directly and knows what he's able to do, yet he has doubts? It says something about your God, doesn't it? And yeah, what about Ishmael? It's as if he was never that important to Abraham and God before.

¹⁹ Then God said, "Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. ^[d] I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. ²⁰ And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. ²¹ But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year." ²² When he had finished speaking with Abraham, God went up from him.

"And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation.": I thought Ishmael was already promised that, through his mother at least. Was she not important at all? "But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year.": that whole covenant thing is pretty weird. Ishmael is not part of the covenant, but he is blessed by God. He lives with Abraham, yet anyone not part of the covenant should not be with his people.

²³ On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him. ²⁴ Abraham was ninety-nine years old when he was circumcised, ²⁵ and his son Ishmael was thirteen; ²⁶ Abraham and his son Ishmael were both circumcised on that same day. ²⁷ And every male in Abraham's household, including those born in his household or bought from a foreigner, was circumcised with him.

"On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him.": must have been hard to explain to them. Why is Ishmael being circumcised? You know, Ishmael isn't part of the covenant, but the whole point of circumcision is to be part of the covenant.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 17:1 Hebrew El-Shaddai
b. Genesis 17:5 Abram means exalted father .
c. Genesis 17:5 Abraham means father of many .
d. Genesis 17:19 Isaac means he laughs .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 16

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 16

Hagar and Ishmael

¹ Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; ² so she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her."
Abram agreed to what Sarai said. ³ So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. ⁴ He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.
When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. ⁵ Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me."

So many things to say here. First of all, is God keeping his promise or not? Well I guess he is if Abram can have a child, even if it's with another woman. Secondly, not only do they have slaves, but she's also a sex slave, only used for the fact that she can produce children. God seems to have no problems with that (especially considering that Abram is a man of God). Then when that slave finds out she's pregnant, she despises Sarai, as if to say "You don't produce children, you're no good!" Damn, a lowlife slave can despise a woman because she's infertile, that's the Bible telling you how immoral not conceiving children is (but telling you that having slaves is OK). Now Sarai wants to punish her husband and even invoke the LORD's judgment in this case, but that was her idea and Abram had nothing to do with it other than accept her proposition. I don't know what more I can say to make you realize that this passage is wrong in every way possible if you hadn't already thought of it.

⁶ "Your servant is in your hands," Abram said. "Do with her whatever you think best." Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.

Wow, Abram takes no interest in the woman who will give him a child. But other than that, I realize she's just a slave. Sarai is really insane on the other hand. She's mistreating a pregnant woman.

⁷ The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. ⁸ And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?"
"I'm running away from my mistress Sarai," she answered.

I'm going to go on a tangent here, but is there only one angel? (I thought there were supposed to be tons of them.) And also, if I didn't already know how my culture represent angels, note that the Bible hasn't explained what that particular creature is (just like it didn't really explain God, the Nephilim and what exactly was the serpent when he could talk).

⁹ Then the angel of the LORD told her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to her." ¹⁰ The angel added, "I will so increase your descendants that they will be too numerous to count."

Here we have a sentence that tells us that God wants her to be a submissive slave (even if her mistress is insane) in promise of a reward. Yeah, having lots of descendants is so much fun in exchange for a bad life.

¹¹ The angel of the LORD also said to her:
"You are now with child
and you will have a son.
You shall name him Ishmael, ^[a]
for the LORD has heard of your misery.

Damn, she doesn't even get to choose his name? Lots of instances of that in the Bible, that's weird. Why do people always have to be named, in Hebrew, in accordance to what they lived or will live in this book? And cut the crap with the LORD hearing of her misery, because he could stop it as far as I know from the extent of his powers. This is what justifies some people (martyrs) to love pain and misery, because they think they will be rewarded later or in the afterlife. Basically, suffering means you're more connected to the LORD. That's bullshit.

¹² He will be a wild donkey of a man;
his hand will be against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he will live in hostility
toward ^[b] all his brothers."

So I'm confused. Is the LORD rewarding her by giving her such a son or is she being punished?

¹³ She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen ^[c] the One who sees me." ¹⁴ That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi ^[d] ; it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered.

"'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.': that's basically one of my points. People in the Bible clearly speak directly to their God. They see him right in front of them or at least they see a miracle the likes of which we don't see now. How can I believe with no evidence? Faith, blind dumb faith.

¹⁵ So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. ¹⁶ Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael.

So the angel tells Hagar to name her son Ishmael, which made some sense since she was the one God heard (Ishmael meaning God hears), but it is Abram who names him so in the end. Well, women in the Bible have no power, so what did you expect. (OK, you can say I'm playing on words, being nitpicky or maybe she told him her story and that's why he did that, but anyway tons of other contradictions and immoral things are coming in the next chapters, so stay tuned or whatever.)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 16:11 Ishmael means God hears .
b. Genesis 16:12 Or live to the east / of
c. Genesis 16:13 Or seen the back of
d. Genesis 16:14 Beer Lahai Roi means well of the Living One who sees me .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 15

You know, Abram might be using hallucinogenic drugs or maybe he has some kind of mental disease (which is often found as the cause of visions of God these days. Don't be angry most believers out there, I'm not saying just believing and "feeling" God is an official mental illness, I mean having a real conversation with him.) If God is real, poor Abram has no private life and is constantly being annoyed by the guy.

² But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit ^[c] my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?" ³ And Abram said, "You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir."

Is a sex scene between Abram and God coming in the next few verses, because that's not what I want to read? No, I guess Abram is asking God why his wife is "barren". I guess the fact that she's probably well passed her menopause is an important factor in all this. Also, some people aren't fertile and you have to live with it. Science has even provided us answers as to why this happens and how to resolve the problem in some cases. During all this time, God did absolutely nothing (well, he probably doesn't exist).

⁴ Then the word of the LORD came to him: "This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir." ⁵ He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

"This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.": sorry, but that's not how that works! Women actually push a baby out of their bodies, not men! Oh, I guess you're talking about sperm coming out of Abram's body, my bad! "He took him outside and said, 'Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'": Damn, his wife is actually going to suffer a lot! I know, I know, it must be referring to multiple generations. Let me be extremely nitpicky once more, but there are FAR, FAR more stars than there can be humans on this earth. You know that right?

⁶ Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

No way I'd want that many children myself, so I wouldn't thank God for that. (In fact, I don't want any.) But seriously, yeah OK, if he wants children and "God gives him some" then he can thank him rightfully. I hope he thanks his wife too!

⁷ He also said to him, "I am the LORD, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it."

In case you forgot...

⁸ But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, how can I know that I will gain possession of it?"

Well you see, the woman's belly will get bigger and bigger. She will get nausea from time to time and in nine months a baby will come out of her vagina in the most disgusting way possible. That's the miracle of life! You can't really miss that when it happens, so you shall be good.

⁹ So the LORD said to him, "Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon."

Why three years old specifically? Anyway, God once again tastes for blood!

¹⁰ Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. ¹¹ Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

Is it normal that I know exactly how he cuts the animals he's offering to God, but I don't even know important details yet like: what are clean animals? Why are birds always separated from other animals? Why are the men of Sodom wicked?

¹² As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. ¹³ Then the LORD said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. ¹⁴ But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. ¹⁵ You, however, will go to your fathers in peace and be buried at a good old age. ¹⁶ In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure."

Sounds like a dream to me and the book doesn't even seem to hide it. You know, that's quite good to know that God will give you a child only to be warned that generations of your descendants will suffer. Even more when you just offered that God some animals. I mean, if God doesn't want Abram's descendants to suffer, he can do something about it, which means he wants them to suffer.

¹⁷ When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. ¹⁸ On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram and said, "To your descendants I give this land, from the river ^[d] of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates- ¹⁹ the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, ²⁰ Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, ²¹ Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites."

How can God offer these places to Abram's descendants when he just said that they would suffer in another country? I know, 400 years later they're supposed to come back, but man you can never be satisfied with God. "Hey God, I want an Xbox 360! Sure my son! Oh thank you God! Now know that it will break in two months and your mother will die! What!? But it will get repaired and you will have good times with it! Oh OK..."

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 15:1 Or sovereign
b. Genesis 15:1 Or shield; / your reward will be very great
c. Genesis 15:2 The meaning of the Hebrew for this phrase is uncertain.
d. Genesis 15:18 Or Wadi

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 14

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 14

Abram Rescues Lot

¹ At this time Amraphel king of Shinar, ^[a] Arioch king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer king of Elam and Tidal king of Goiim ² went to war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar). ³ All these latter kings joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (the Salt Sea ^[b] ). ⁴ For twelve years they had been subject to Kedorlaomer, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, time for some action!

⁵ In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim ⁶ and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert. ⁷ Then they turned back and went to En Mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazazon Tamar.

Oh my God! I take that back. This action is boring! It's as interesting as genealogy; in fact it does look like it. You know, they only give descriptions without explaining anything.

⁸ Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) marched out and drew up their battle lines in the Valley of Siddim ⁹ against Kedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar and Arioch king of Ellasar—four kings against five. ¹⁰ Now the Valley of Siddim was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and the rest fled to the hills. ¹¹ The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away. ¹² They also carried off Abram's nephew Lot and his possessions, since he was living in Sodom.

I'm kind of confused as to who are the good guys here. I know that the men of Sodom are supposed to be wicked, but the other armies are the one invading their village and kidnapping Lot.

¹³ One who had escaped came and reported this to Abram the Hebrew. Now Abram was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite, a brother ^[c] of Eshcol and Aner, all of whom were allied with Abram. ¹⁴ When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household and went in pursuit as far as Dan. ¹⁵ During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus. ¹⁶ He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people.

318 trained men born in Abram's household? Sounds like slaves to me (and they actually are more clearly slaves in some translations of the Bible). Abram is so good to the LORD, isn't he? But you know what makes me laugh the most? It's when I read that women were capture too. They didn't mention women being captured, only possessions, which means that women are possessions according to the Bible it seems.

¹⁷ After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King's Valley).

Must be an ambush! After all, we know that the men of Sodom are wicked (except Lot I guess, since he's related closely to Abram the good man). Their king must be the most evil bastard there ever was!

¹⁸ Then Melchizedek king of Salem ^[d] brought out bread and wine. He was priest of God Most High, ¹⁹ and he blessed Abram, saying,
"Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
Creator ^[e] of heaven and earth.

You know what? I've heard Christians say that alcohol is bad according to God, but so far it doesn't seem like it. A priest offers wine to Abram in celebration of his WAR victory and blesses him on God's behalf after that. Noah got so drunk he passed out and let's remember that the guy was the only good man on the planet at the time.

²⁰ And blessed be ^[f] God Most High,
who delivered your enemies into your hand."
Then Abram gave him a tenth of everything.

I thought God was the one blessing everything, but that doesn't mean he can't be blessed now and then! You know, I don't buy that God helped them all that much. First of all, if God didn't want this to happen, it wouldn't have happened in the first place (Lot getting kidnapped and all). Furthermore, war isn't necessary, because God just has to vanquish all the enemies and bad guys by magic. If God exists and we attribute good things to him, how come we always have to do these things naturally for them to occur?

²¹ The king of Sodom said to Abram, "Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself."

Hey, actually the evil king of the wicked men doesn't seem so bad!

²² But Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have raised my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath ²³ that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, 'I made Abram rich.' ²⁴ I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me—to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share."

Oh come one! Anyway, I know Abram's already kind of rich, but he doesn't seem to even appreciate that the king of Sodom was being generous towards him. I just don't see how wicked they are. It's as if the Bible was saying: "This is bad! Why is it bad oh good God? Because I said so!" Well actually, that's how the Bible works, no explanations for the most important bits, just plain statements.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 14:1 That is, Babylonia; also in verse 9
b. Genesis 14:3 That is, the Dead Sea
c. Genesis 14:13 Or a relative ; or an ally
d. Genesis 14:18 That is, Jerusalem
e. Genesis 14:19 Or Possessor ; also in verse 22
f. Genesis 14:20 Or And praise be to

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 13

"Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold.": well you know, with him being a pimp and all...

³ From the Negev he went from place to place until he came to Bethel, to the place between Bethel and Ai where his tent had been earlier ⁴ and where he had first built an altar. There Abram called on the name of the LORD.

I guess he called the LORD to ask him: "Hey man! What the fuck!? Why have you been messing my plans to avoid famine in Egypt?"

⁵ Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. ⁶ But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. ⁷ And quarreling arose between Abram's herdsmen and the herdsmen of Lot. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

For maybe the second time, the Bible is being realistic with men fighting over land and possessions. Also for men actually having lots more possessions than they probably need. But I think from what I heard that the Bible teaches us to not care about material possessions and in fact live a poor life. That's supposed to be good, yet Abram is supposed to be chosen by God himself, so he must be good too, even if he has lots of possessions. OK, I'm being too nitpicky here, that's not really a contradiction and I should put more attention to the thousands of real undeniable contradictions in the book instead of this, probably.

⁸ So Abram said to Lot, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. ⁹ Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left."

That one, I'm not too sure it would work in real life. As far as you can go in history until today, can you imagine two military forces, groups or whatever fighting over their land only for that fight to get resolved by a simple "Hey, let's not fight and agree!"? (And what does brother mean in the Bible since the first brother ever killed his own brother?)

¹⁰ Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) ¹¹ So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: ¹² Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. ¹³ Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD.

"(This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.)": spoiler alert thanks! But what an odd passage... I mean, why not wait until you get there, why is that specified there? "Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD. ": OK, how? (And I know what most believers think, but this book could just say it. In fact, it seems there's a later verse that doesn't even mention homosexuality as a sin committed in Sodom. Pride and gluttony are mentioned amongst other things though, because they're SO BAD.)

¹⁴ The LORD said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, "Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. ¹⁵ All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring ^[a] forever. ¹⁶ I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. ¹⁷ Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you."

"All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted.": hey, don't make a promise you won't be able to keep! That's basically a lie, Mr. Creator of the Universe, something you're supposed to be against! And here I'm going to be a little bit more nitpicky again, but we can actually count offsprings now and the count if far from the dust of the earth.

¹⁸ So Abram moved his tents and went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he built an altar to the LORD.

The guy puts so much energy into making altars to the LORD just about everywhere, I imagine he could've invented electricity if he had put more effort into things that actually work and do something in our real natural world. (I'm sorry for believers, but science is testable and it works. Why argue against its merits when you use cell phones, watch TV and surf on the Internet? And come to think of it, I'm not sorry! Wake up dammit!)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 13:15 Or seed ; also in verse 16

Saturday, July 17, 2010

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 12

Is this a sect or what?

² "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.

"I will make you into a great nation": Hey wait, I'm not that big!

³ I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."

So basically, God is like my mother. She would always protect me from bullies at school. This became embarrassing at an advanced age though.

⁴ So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. ⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

Oh yeah, right! I had nearly forgotten that Abram is the one with the "barren" wife Sarai lol. Great plan to start a new nation!

⁶ Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. ⁷ The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring ^[a] I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him.

"The LORD appeared to Abram and said, 'To your offspring I will give this land.'": wow I like God suddenly. He's this incredibly ironic bastard and I do like my movie villains once in a while.

⁸ From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. ⁹ Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

"There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD.": whatever that accomplished...

Abram in Egypt

¹⁰ Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. ¹¹ As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, "I know what a beautiful woman you are. ¹² When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. ¹³ Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you."

"'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.': incredibly confused now! So the Egyptians would kill this guy just to get his wife because she's so beautiful, but I thought he had protection from God or something (and she should be pretty old herself, like 80 years old or something). Also, saying that she's her sister doesn't mean she isn't his wife; people have been fucking between siblings for a while now in this book! Furthermore, if I understand correctly, God didn't keep his promise of making Abram's nation so great so far, with the famine and all. Because of this famine, Abram, the good man I guess, is ready to go to Egypt and give his wife to Pharaoh if you read between the lines. How can people adapt this book to our 2010 world? It has nearly nothing to do with our world and is closed in a barbaric era.

¹⁴ When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. ¹⁵ And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. ¹⁶ He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.

Like I said, Abram is now Sarai's pimp. He's making money off of her sleeping with men she doesn't necessarily love. I'm not against sex with strangers myself (for other people since I'm mostly asexual), but you have to like doing it.

¹⁷ But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. ¹⁸ So Pharaoh summoned Abram. "What have you done to me?" he said. "Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? ¹⁹ Why did you say, 'She is my sister,' so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!" ²⁰ Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.

Lol, Sarai had venereal diseases! Maybe that's why she's supposedly barren! But anyway, Pharaoh is right. Abram lied to him and God isn't supposed to like lies from what I heard, though he lies plenty of times himself (right in the first few chapters of the first book of the Bible in fact). And now, because "God" sent diseases to Pharaoh, Abram is forced to go back to his "great nation" and live through a famine. Why didn't God just help him or tell him what to do instead of messing everything up?

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 12:7 Or seed

Monday, July 19, 2010

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 18

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 17

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 16

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 15

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 14

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 13

Saturday, July 17, 2010

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 12

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