An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 13

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 13

Abram and Lot Separate

¹ So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, with his wife and everything he had, and Lot went with him. ² Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold.

"Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold.": well you know, with him being a pimp and all...

³ From the Negev he went from place to place until he came to Bethel, to the place between Bethel and Ai where his tent had been earlier ⁴ and where he had first built an altar. There Abram called on the name of the LORD.

I guess he called the LORD to ask him: "Hey man! What the fuck!? Why have you been messing my plans to avoid famine in Egypt?"

⁵ Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. ⁶ But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. ⁷ And quarreling arose between Abram's herdsmen and the herdsmen of Lot. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

For maybe the second time, the Bible is being realistic with men fighting over land and possessions. Also for men actually having lots more possessions than they probably need. But I think from what I heard that the Bible teaches us to not care about material possessions and in fact live a poor life. That's supposed to be good, yet Abram is supposed to be chosen by God himself, so he must be good too, even if he has lots of possessions. OK, I'm being too nitpicky here, that's not really a contradiction and I should put more attention to the thousands of real undeniable contradictions in the book instead of this, probably.

⁸ So Abram said to Lot, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. ⁹ Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left."

That one, I'm not too sure it would work in real life. As far as you can go in history until today, can you imagine two military forces, groups or whatever fighting over their land only for that fight to get resolved by a simple "Hey, let's not fight and agree!"? (And what does brother mean in the Bible since the first brother ever killed his own brother?)

¹⁰ Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) ¹¹ So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: ¹² Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. ¹³ Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD.

"(This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.)": spoiler alert thanks! But what an odd passage... I mean, why not wait until you get there, why is that specified there? "Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD. ": OK, how? (And I know what most believers think, but this book could just say it. In fact, it seems there's a later verse that doesn't even mention homosexuality as a sin committed in Sodom. Pride and gluttony are mentioned amongst other things though, because they're SO BAD.)

¹⁴ The LORD said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, "Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. ¹⁵ All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring ^[a] forever. ¹⁶ I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. ¹⁷ Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you."

"All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted.": hey, don't make a promise you won't be able to keep! That's basically a lie, Mr. Creator of the Universe, something you're supposed to be against! And here I'm going to be a little bit more nitpicky again, but we can actually count offsprings now and the count if far from the dust of the earth.

¹⁸ So Abram moved his tents and went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he built an altar to the LORD.

The guy puts so much energy into making altars to the LORD just about everywhere, I imagine he could've invented electricity if he had put more effort into things that actually work and do something in our real natural world. (I'm sorry for believers, but science is testable and it works. Why argue against its merits when you use cell phones, watch TV and surf on the Internet? And come to think of it, I'm not sorry! Wake up dammit!)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 13:15 Or seed ; also in verse 16