An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 14

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 14

Abram Rescues Lot

¹ At this time Amraphel king of Shinar, ^[a] Arioch king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer king of Elam and Tidal king of Goiim ² went to war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar). ³ All these latter kings joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (the Salt Sea ^[b] ). ⁴ For twelve years they had been subject to Kedorlaomer, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, time for some action!

⁵ In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim ⁶ and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert. ⁷ Then they turned back and went to En Mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazazon Tamar.

Oh my God! I take that back. This action is boring! It's as interesting as genealogy; in fact it does look like it. You know, they only give descriptions without explaining anything.

⁸ Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) marched out and drew up their battle lines in the Valley of Siddim ⁹ against Kedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar and Arioch king of Ellasar—four kings against five. ¹⁰ Now the Valley of Siddim was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and the rest fled to the hills. ¹¹ The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away. ¹² They also carried off Abram's nephew Lot and his possessions, since he was living in Sodom.

I'm kind of confused as to who are the good guys here. I know that the men of Sodom are supposed to be wicked, but the other armies are the one invading their village and kidnapping Lot.

¹³ One who had escaped came and reported this to Abram the Hebrew. Now Abram was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite, a brother ^[c] of Eshcol and Aner, all of whom were allied with Abram. ¹⁴ When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household and went in pursuit as far as Dan. ¹⁵ During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus. ¹⁶ He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people.

318 trained men born in Abram's household? Sounds like slaves to me (and they actually are more clearly slaves in some translations of the Bible). Abram is so good to the LORD, isn't he? But you know what makes me laugh the most? It's when I read that women were capture too. They didn't mention women being captured, only possessions, which means that women are possessions according to the Bible it seems.

¹⁷ After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King's Valley).

Must be an ambush! After all, we know that the men of Sodom are wicked (except Lot I guess, since he's related closely to Abram the good man). Their king must be the most evil bastard there ever was!

¹⁸ Then Melchizedek king of Salem ^[d] brought out bread and wine. He was priest of God Most High, ¹⁹ and he blessed Abram, saying,
"Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
Creator ^[e] of heaven and earth.

You know what? I've heard Christians say that alcohol is bad according to God, but so far it doesn't seem like it. A priest offers wine to Abram in celebration of his WAR victory and blesses him on God's behalf after that. Noah got so drunk he passed out and let's remember that the guy was the only good man on the planet at the time.

²⁰ And blessed be ^[f] God Most High,
who delivered your enemies into your hand."
Then Abram gave him a tenth of everything.

I thought God was the one blessing everything, but that doesn't mean he can't be blessed now and then! You know, I don't buy that God helped them all that much. First of all, if God didn't want this to happen, it wouldn't have happened in the first place (Lot getting kidnapped and all). Furthermore, war isn't necessary, because God just has to vanquish all the enemies and bad guys by magic. If God exists and we attribute good things to him, how come we always have to do these things naturally for them to occur?

²¹ The king of Sodom said to Abram, "Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself."

Hey, actually the evil king of the wicked men doesn't seem so bad!

²² But Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have raised my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath ²³ that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, 'I made Abram rich.' ²⁴ I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me—to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share."

Oh come one! Anyway, I know Abram's already kind of rich, but he doesn't seem to even appreciate that the king of Sodom was being generous towards him. I just don't see how wicked they are. It's as if the Bible was saying: "This is bad! Why is it bad oh good God? Because I said so!" Well actually, that's how the Bible works, no explanations for the most important bits, just plain statements.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 14:1 That is, Babylonia; also in verse 9
b. Genesis 14:3 That is, the Dead Sea
c. Genesis 14:13 Or a relative ; or an ally
d. Genesis 14:18 That is, Jerusalem
e. Genesis 14:19 Or Possessor ; also in verse 22
f. Genesis 14:20 Or And praise be to