An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 15

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 15

God's Covenant With Abram

¹ After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision:
"Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield, ^[a]
your very great reward. ^[b] "

You know, Abram might be using hallucinogenic drugs or maybe he has some kind of mental disease (which is often found as the cause of visions of God these days. Don't be angry most believers out there, I'm not saying just believing and "feeling" God is an official mental illness, I mean having a real conversation with him.) If God is real, poor Abram has no private life and is constantly being annoyed by the guy.

² But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit ^[c] my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?" ³ And Abram said, "You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir."

Is a sex scene between Abram and God coming in the next few verses, because that's not what I want to read? No, I guess Abram is asking God why his wife is "barren". I guess the fact that she's probably well passed her menopause is an important factor in all this. Also, some people aren't fertile and you have to live with it. Science has even provided us answers as to why this happens and how to resolve the problem in some cases. During all this time, God did absolutely nothing (well, he probably doesn't exist).

⁴ Then the word of the LORD came to him: "This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir." ⁵ He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

"This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.": sorry, but that's not how that works! Women actually push a baby out of their bodies, not men! Oh, I guess you're talking about sperm coming out of Abram's body, my bad! "He took him outside and said, 'Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'": Damn, his wife is actually going to suffer a lot! I know, I know, it must be referring to multiple generations. Let me be extremely nitpicky once more, but there are FAR, FAR more stars than there can be humans on this earth. You know that right?

⁶ Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

No way I'd want that many children myself, so I wouldn't thank God for that. (In fact, I don't want any.) But seriously, yeah OK, if he wants children and "God gives him some" then he can thank him rightfully. I hope he thanks his wife too!

⁷ He also said to him, "I am the LORD, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it."

In case you forgot...

⁸ But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, how can I know that I will gain possession of it?"

Well you see, the woman's belly will get bigger and bigger. She will get nausea from time to time and in nine months a baby will come out of her vagina in the most disgusting way possible. That's the miracle of life! You can't really miss that when it happens, so you shall be good.

⁹ So the LORD said to him, "Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon."

Why three years old specifically? Anyway, God once again tastes for blood!

¹⁰ Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. ¹¹ Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

Is it normal that I know exactly how he cuts the animals he's offering to God, but I don't even know important details yet like: what are clean animals? Why are birds always separated from other animals? Why are the men of Sodom wicked?

¹² As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. ¹³ Then the LORD said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. ¹⁴ But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. ¹⁵ You, however, will go to your fathers in peace and be buried at a good old age. ¹⁶ In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure."

Sounds like a dream to me and the book doesn't even seem to hide it. You know, that's quite good to know that God will give you a child only to be warned that generations of your descendants will suffer. Even more when you just offered that God some animals. I mean, if God doesn't want Abram's descendants to suffer, he can do something about it, which means he wants them to suffer.

¹⁷ When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. ¹⁸ On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram and said, "To your descendants I give this land, from the river ^[d] of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates- ¹⁹ the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, ²⁰ Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, ²¹ Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites."

How can God offer these places to Abram's descendants when he just said that they would suffer in another country? I know, 400 years later they're supposed to come back, but man you can never be satisfied with God. "Hey God, I want an Xbox 360! Sure my son! Oh thank you God! Now know that it will break in two months and your mother will die! What!? But it will get repaired and you will have good times with it! Oh OK..."

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 15:1 Or sovereign
b. Genesis 15:1 Or shield; / your reward will be very great
c. Genesis 15:2 The meaning of the Hebrew for this phrase is uncertain.
d. Genesis 15:18 Or Wadi