An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 11

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 11

The Tower of Babel

¹ Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. ² As men moved eastward, ^[a] they found a plain in Shinar ^[b] and settled there.

Hey! I'm certainly not going to let that one go without saying anything. You just spent the whole previous chapter explaining to me how each clan separated and different languages were spoken. You can't tell me there's only one language just after that. Though I'd say that if there were only a couple of humans left and not many generations had passed, yes there would only be one language at this point.

³ They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. ⁴ Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth."

"They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar.": OK, I don't see why it's so important to point that out here, but I'll go with it. And I guess humans are still fascinated with building high towers as we have skyscrapers in huge cities, so that's one point for realism there.

⁵ But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. ⁶ The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. ⁷ Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

"But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building.": well of course he did, he's omnipotent. He even knew from the beginning that they would build it, didn't he? "The LORD said, 'If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.'": is God speaking to himself (themselves)? He must feel lonely up there. I'll now repeat that the previous chapter talked about different languages being already there and furthermore, languages are still in evolution today. It's not by a magical process that we speak different languages, it's just that over time words lose their meaning, people speak with a slightly different accent and transmit that to their children, etc., but certainly not intervention from God. And that's God's master plan? To change everyone's language so they won't be able to work together. We have dictionaries and interpreters nowadays. And it's not true that humans could do everything together, at least not anything that a God should fear! Why isn't he doing that today, I mean men have built so many things now, they've even went to the moon, which is farther than any humans at the time could've imagined possible (especially since they didn't even know there were other planets besides the earth). The main point is: why is God so evil? Humans make some progress and he immediately destroys their efforts. I know it's probably meant to be taken as humans wanting to become gods, but if that's the case, it's poorly written and so what when we see what we have today with God doing nothing about it.

⁸ So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. ⁹ That is why it was called Babel ^[c] —because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

"So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city.": then they built tons of different cities and conquered the planet over the years. What has God accomplished here? That's basically how I play myself in games where godlike, but that's the point, I know I'm acting like a douchebag and a jerk when I do that. At least, I'm playing with virtual characters, not flesh and blood human beings.

From Shem to Abram

¹⁰ This is the account of Shem.
Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100 years old, he became the father ^[d] of Arphaxad. ¹¹ And after he became the father of Arphaxad, Shem lived 500 years and had other sons and daughters.

Nice to know that people have daughters now, but why start back at Shem, whom we already know had many sons from the PREVIOUS CHAPTER. And when does that 120 years lifespan stated in Genesis 6 starts to count?

¹² When Arphaxad had lived 35 years, he became the father of Shelah. ¹³ And after he became the father of Shelah, Arphaxad lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters. ^[e]

Please no, I can't support it any longer.

¹⁴ When Shelah had lived 30 years, he became the father of Eber. ¹⁵ And after he became the father of Eber, Shelah lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters.

I mean, it was OK the first time. It could pass the second time and maybe a third time but... NO! It wasn't even OK the first time. Nobody wants that or needs that!

¹⁶ When Eber had lived 34 years, he became the father of Peleg. ¹⁷ And after he became the father of Peleg, Eber lived 430 years and had other sons and daughters.

Eber, the great Eber, which is not so great after all. They're still giving me the same damn fucking genealogy than they did before, I mean just before, not 10 chapters ago.

¹⁸ When Peleg had lived 30 years, he became the father of Reu. ¹⁹ And after he became the father of Reu, Peleg lived 209 years and had other sons and daughters.

Hey, notice that people are beginning to live less long? Maybe it's beginning to take effect now (as if God needed time to make it take effect). This further supports the theory that the Bible means literally that people were living that long in the old days, not some kind of alternate calendar. (I've already said that it doesn't make sense that people lived longer in the older days, mainly because of their limited knowledge about health and hygiene, so I don't know what more could I say.)

²⁰ When Reu had lived 32 years, he became the father of Serug. ²¹ And after he became the father of Serug, Reu lived 207 years and had other sons and daughters.

Not quite 120, but we're getting there.

²² When Serug had lived 30 years, he became the father of Nahor. ²³ And after he became the father of Nahor, Serug lived 200 years and had other sons and daughters.

OK, still a small step to go, just 80 years less and you'll reach it. 80 years old is close to our average lifespan today!

²⁴ When Nahor had lived 29 years, he became the father of Terah. ²⁵ And after he became the father of Terah, Nahor lived 119 years and had other sons and daughters.

There we go, 119, so that man did not live up to be over 120 years old. I guess now we can confirm that God's rule has taken effect (except for the rare people today who go over that limit by a bit.)

²⁶ After Terah had lived 70 years, he became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran.

Terah sure was waiting for a long time before making any children (unless there were others they didn't talk about). I mean, his ancestors started having children at around 30 years old, probably because they started living less long.

²⁷ This is the account of Terah.
Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot. ²⁸ While his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the land of his birth. ²⁹ Abram and Nahor both married. The name of Abram's wife was Sarai, and the name of Nahor's wife was Milcah; she was the daughter of Haran, the father of both Milcah and Iscah. ³⁰ Now Sarai was barren; she had no children.

Once again, stuff happens to people I don't know (I mean, it's good for historical purposes, if only the Bible was an accurate historical account of what really happened). It seems Nahor, Abram's brother, has married his niece. "Now Sarai was barren; she had no children.": ouch! That's not a pretty thing to say, I think. I mean I'm not an English speaker from birth, but that's taken as an insult today, right?

³¹ Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Haran, they settled there.

They were kind of lazy that way!

³² Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran.

WHAT!? I thought we were setting a 120 years limit, why suddenly go back to 80 years over that limit? It just doesn't make any sense? I mean, OK I'm ready to accept that there's a slight variation in each human and maybe, just maybe, people who go slightly over 120 years old today could still be under the limit set by that God. But 205 is a lot more than 120. I'd be happy to live that long, you don't spit on 85 more years than 120, which is already 40 years more than we live.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 11:2 Or from the east ; or in the east
b. Genesis 11:2 That is, Babylonia
c. Genesis 11:9 That is, Babylon; Babel sounds like the Hebrew for confused .
d. Genesis 11:10 Father may mean ancestor ; also in verses 11-25.
e. Genesis 11:13 Hebrew; Septuagint (see also Luke 3:35, 36 and note at Gen. 10:24) 35 years, he became the father of Cainan. 13 And after he became the father of Cainan, Arphaxad lived 430 years and had other sons and daughters, and then he died. When Cainan had lived 130 years, he became the father of Shelah. And after he became the father of Shelah, Cainan lived 330 years and had other sons and daughters

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 10

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 10

The Table of Nations

¹ This is the account of Shem, Ham and Japheth, Noah's sons, who themselves had sons after the flood.

I guess so, God wiped out humanity after all. I sure hope they had sons or if this story is true, I wouldn't be here! But thanks for pointing out that obvious statement, dear holy book!

The Japhethites

² The sons ^[a] of Japheth:
Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech and Tiras.

OK...

³ The sons of Gomer:
Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah.

Hmmm...

⁴ The sons of Javan:
Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittim and the Rodanim. ^{[b] 5} (From these the maritime peoples spread out into their territories by their clans within their nations, each with its own language.)

So Japheth has a son named Javan. This Javan has a couple of sons (why never daughters?) and they develop different languages (or already spoke different languages)? I don't think that's how languages develop, or at least not that fast. I speak French like my parents and of course I learned English as you can see, but I don't expect my children to speak Esperanto suddenly. Languages are not magical things, they're not even physical things, they just thoughts that evolve over time. It's just like the French we speak in Quebec is not completely the same as in France, but they're still pretty similar languages after all those years of living in different continents. It's not comparable to the difference between Italian and German for example.

The Hamites

⁶ The sons of Ham:
Cush, Mizraim, ^[c] Put and Canaan.

OK, I get it, this is going to be one of those. I heard that the Bible was full of boring and mostly useless genealogy, but damn!

⁷ The sons of Cush:
Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah and Sabteca.
The sons of Raamah:
Sheba and Dedan.

I'm sure this will come in handy later on, right?

⁸ Cush was the father ^[d] of Nimrod, who grew to be a mighty warrior on the earth. ⁹ He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; that is why it is said, "Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the LORD." ¹⁰ The first centers of his kingdom were Babylon, Erech, Akkad and Calneh, in ^[e] Shinar. ^{[f] 11} From that land he went to Assyria, where he built Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, ^[g] Calah ¹² and Resen, which is between Nineveh and Calah; that is the great city.

"He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; that is why it is said, 'Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the LORD.'": of course, I was just saying that this morning in fact! Seriously, that's not how you write a book. They're introducing random characters, giving only their name and I'm supposed to care about them. They're worse than one-dimensional characters!

¹³ Mizraim was the father of
the Ludites, Anamites, Lehabites, Naphtuhites, ¹⁴ Pathrusites, Casluhites (from whom the Philistines came) and Caphtorites.

Come to think of it, I like it when there's more information like there was about Nimrod. At least, I have something to say. Now I just get names that I will forget in 2 minutes (I remember Mario, from Mario Bros., but that's because I've seen him do stuff. For them, I just have names and that's it.)

¹⁵ Canaan was the father of
Sidon his firstborn, ^[h] and of the Hittites, ¹⁶ Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, ¹⁷ Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, ¹⁸ Arvadites, Zemarites and Hamathites.
Later the Canaanite clans scattered ¹⁹ and the borders of Canaan reached from Sidon toward Gerar as far as Gaza, and then toward Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah and Zeboiim, as far as Lasha.

Nice to see that Canaan was allowed to have a legacy, even if his FATHER LOOKED AT NOAH NAKED POTENTIALLY BY ACCIDENT WHILE NOAH WAS COMPLETELY WASTED.

²⁰ These are the sons of Ham by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations.

They too have their languages. Not only doesn't that make sense in this context, but also the book doesn't tell us what those languages are, just the names.

The Semites
²¹ Sons were also born to Shem, whose older brother was ^[i] Japheth; Shem was the ancestor of all the sons of Eber.

Seriously, Shem was the ancestor of Eber? The famous Eber! Wait, who's Eber?

²² The sons of Shem:
Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud and Aram.

One could make song lyrics out of those! Very boring lyrics, sadly...

²³ The sons of Aram:
Uz, Hul, Gether and Meshech. ^[j]

Should I start giving you my genealogy now? I promise it wouldn't be more boring, it just wouldn't be more interesting.

²⁴ Arphaxad was the father of ^[k] Shelah,
and Shelah the father of Eber.

There we go. And so Eber, our savior, was born! I hope Eber does something great, because there's been a lot of buildup so far.

²⁵ Two sons were born to Eber:
One was named Peleg, ^[l] because in his time the earth was divided; his brother was named Joktan.

OK, so far Eber has sons like everybody else, but it's not over yet, he could still do something else. "One was named Peleg, because in his time the earth was divided": divided how? In fact, if they mean it like I think they do, the earth is divided right now in many countries and territories.

²⁶ Joktan was the father of
Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, ²⁷ Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, ²⁸ Obal, Abimael, Sheba, ²⁹ Ophir, Havilah and Jobab. All these were sons of Joktan.

So was that it for Eber? I just don't get why sometimes a verse is nearly exactly like a previous one, with some minor modifications without it meaning anything (or seemingly meaning nothing at least).

³⁰ The region where they lived stretched from Mesha toward Sephar, in the eastern hill country.

OK, that's where they lived. What can I say... (I know the Bible was not written for me to say something, but this is still boring.)

³¹ These are the sons of Shem by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations.

I just don't care anymore, let everyone speak a different language or whatever, I just want to pass to something else.

³² These are the clans of Noah's sons, according to their lines of descent, within their nations. From these the nations spread out over the earth after the flood.

Glad it's over with this old fucker! The flood was maybe more interesting in concept even though it didn't make any sense, but his descendence is plain boring!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 10:2 Sons may mean descendants or successors or nations ; also in verses 3, 4, 6, 7, 20-23, 29 and 31.
b. Genesis 10:4 Some manuscripts of the Masoretic Text and Samaritan Pentateuch (see also Septuagint and 1 Chron. 1:7 most manuscripts of the Masoretic Text Dodanim
c. Genesis 10:6 That is, Egypt; also in verse 13
d. Genesis 10:8 Father may mean ancestor or predecessor or founder ; also in verses 13, 15, 24 and 26.
e. Genesis 10:10 Or Erech and Akkad-all of them in
f. Genesis 10:10 That is, Babylonia
g. Genesis 10:11 Or Nineveh with its city squares
h. Genesis 10:15 Or of the Sidonians, the foremost
i. Genesis 10:21 Or Shem, the older brother of
j. Genesis 10:23 See Septuagint and 1 Chron. 1:17; Hebrew Mash
k. Genesis 10:24 Hebrew; Septuagint father of Cainan, and Cainan was the father of
l. Genesis 10:25 Peleg means division .

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 9

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 9

God's Covenant With Noah

¹ Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth. ² The fear and dread of you will fall upon all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands. ³ Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.

"Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.'": am I the only one feeling uncomfortable with this? "Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.: Well, he already said that man ruled over animals before, not explicitly food, but I think that counts, it's not like a verse said something about plants either. Just look at Genesis 1:26 and you'll see how similar the verses are. Now if you just think about it, it doesn't seem to be long after the flood that God would say something like this. Normally, plants would have died in our natural world and no food would be left for Noah and his family if that's all they ate before. But it just turns out that plants are still alive as we know there's an olive tree among other things. So let me get this straight, now that God has exterminated all species on the earth to near extinction level, he finally gives man the right to eat animals? Sure, that makes sense! And that thing he also said about animals fearing us, that's not entirely true now is it?

⁴ "But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. ⁵ And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.

"But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it.": here's one for the next Christian I encounter who says something about, I don't know, maybe homosexuals and how they're living against the laws of God. I'll ask them if they make sure to drain all blood from their meat and if they ever ate blood pudding (I personally hate the thing). That's only one of the MANY things even most hardcore Christians don't necessarily follow, yet they personally like to pick what you can do (according to what most people do anyway and things that people just don't care about) and can't do (less common things, like homosexuality, even if you're born that way). "And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.": sure, we all know that every animal (creatures who don't live by our laws and don't understand them by the way) or man that ever shed someone else's blood accounted for his crimes. God is personally taking care of it. Well, it seems like he's not really efficient at anything other than creating the universe, because we always have to finish his job in his place in the end. (Here's a Christian saying: "But a murderer will pay in the next life!" I answer: "Shut the fuck up and prove me there's such a thing and that it's remotely like you think it is.")

⁶ "Whoever sheds the blood of man,
by man shall his blood be shed;
for in the image of God
has God made man.

What happens if I kill someone by accident or in self-defense? Heck, Cain killed his own brother in cold blood for revenge and he got away perfectly fine with his crime. I guess the "Whoever" in this verse is not that important in some cases. But what if I give my blood to help someone else? Does the nurse responsible for draining a little blood out of me has to be punished? In God's words, if "Whoever" applies this time around, yes that person does have to be killed. What about suicide (of course, I'm talking about an "afterlife" punition since the person is already dead in that case)? It would seem evil to me to always punish someone who suicided themselves, because someone who commits suicide might have a real mental problem or his life could have gone totally wrong and it's not always your fault when that happens. Of course, if I am to be taking the verse literally, it only talks about shedding blood, so maybe if someone is killed or kills himself with poison for example, maybe that doesn't count. Here's hoping we get some precision later on; this book is quite thick after all.

⁷ As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it."

Hey, you already said that. In fact, that's one of the more repeated phrases so far. God is always talking about sex it seems, I knew the guy was a perv when they described him to me (He's everywhere to look at you all the time, but he's hidden. Except maybe in the Bible, he just seems much more present in the book than nowadays.)

⁸ Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: ⁹ "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you ¹⁰ and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth. ¹¹ I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."

"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.": no, instead I'll just send fires and brimstones. That should be enough to take care of the job! See ya on judgment day! Seriously though, why have I seen this "destroy the earth" thing a few times now? There's a difference between killing most living things on the earth and actually destroying the planet itself. I suspect this planet could very well exist without any living things on it someday, probably without humans at the very least.

¹² And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: ¹³ I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. ¹⁴ Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, ¹⁵ I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. ¹⁶ Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

So God has some memory issues? That's why he made the universe so damn big with lots of the same types of rocks and emptiness everywhere. Each time he forgot he had to create something that made sense. Of course, when he does create something more, like the earth, life and humans, he despises it. On a more serious note, just look at this. Isn't that even more proof (of course, never definitive proof, I'm using the term somewhat vaguely) that the Bible was not inspired by God, but written by ordinary men who had to come up with an explanation for natural, yet bizarre phenomenons like rainbows? Rainbows aren't there to remind God of his covenant with all living creatures (they specify on earth, maybe God believes in alien but doesn't like them). Rainbows just occur naturally anyway because of an optical phenomenon that has to do with the position of the sunlight and the water drops in the air. I won't give you all the details, but science can pretty much explain how and why a rainbow occur without any questions left now with proofs to back it up and the methodology to reproduce it yourself. That's why you've got to love science!

¹⁷ So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."

I see God is repeating himself once again. Combine that with his problems with his memory and you can imagine why people picture him as an old bearded man in the sky. Furthermore, he's always complaining, even about things he did himself, and always remembering old stuff no one cares about anymore. He's that old man you just love to hate, you know.

The Sons of Noah

¹⁸ The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.) ¹⁹ These were the three sons of Noah, and from them came the people who were scattered over the earth.

The Bible has this way of always talking about incest, yet without mentioning incest. I think that's how it got away with it, becoming one of the most beloved books ever while reflecting as good many things society usually despises.

²⁰ Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded ^[a] to plant a vineyard. ²¹ When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. ²² Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness and told his two brothers outside. ²³ But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father's nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father's nakedness.

Why are they always talking of Ham as the father of Canaan specifically. It just looks like random writing, even if it were true. Like a last minute detail someone forgot to mention before. So Noah the righteous man makes his own alcohol and drinks it until becoming drunk (you need more than a simple glass of wine to be drunk enough to pass out)? That's interesting. At least his sons are nice to cover the man after Ham tells them.

²⁴ When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, ²⁵ he said,
"Cursed be Canaan!
The lowest of slaves
will he be to his brothers."

W... Wh... What? What did Canaan ever do to deserve that? And we condone slavery now. Hey, come to think of it, this is Ham's fault apparently, but what did he ever do besides possibly accidentally looks at his naked father after the guy got drunk all by himself? This is not only the Bible saying something is wrong when it isn't (if God wanted us to be clothed, he just had to make us fully clothed from birth; also Adam and Eve were naked before they realized it was wrong somewhat), but it's a case of the Bible punishing an innocent. I don't believe in such a thing as the sins of the father. I believe some stupid evil humans (remember Noah was described as the best man ever in some way) do take vengeance on someone's kids or partner for what that person did, but they shouldn't. I shouldn't kill your son because you're a murderer for example, and anyone with some semblance of logic would understand why. This is your holy book, Jews and Christians.

²⁶ He also said,
"Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem!
May Canaan be the slave of Shem. ^[b]

At this point, why not? Sure Canaan, be the slave of Shem. Spend a miserable life because your father happened to see his father nude someday, I repeat possibly by accident after the guy was drunk enough to pass out.

²⁷ May God extend the territory of Japheth ^[c] ;
may Japheth live in the tents of Shem,
and may Canaan be his ^[d] slave."

Hey Noah, you can't ask to God to extend someone's territory just because someone else saw you naked, I don't even see the logic here. My theory is that if Japheth lives in the tents of Shem, the risk are too high that at some point he's see him in his nakedness. Be careful Japheth, it's a trap! You're gonna end up a slave too! Oops, I'm wrong, your son is gonna be one. My mistake sorry! In fact, you know what we should do. We should gouge our eyes out so that we don't risk seeing our father naked at some point. As for me, I'll just avoid having any child in fear that my father will make them slaves as I've opened the bathroom door more than once by accident while he was taking a leak. Or maybe I could have children after his death, after all we just don't live hundreds of years anymore, so he probably only has a couple decades left to live. (By the way, I don't mean to sound harsh towards my father here, I don't want him to die and he wouldn't enslave my child if I had one. I'm just illustrating how ridiculous the Bible is when you apply it to real life.)

²⁸ After the flood Noah lived 350 years. 29 Altogether, Noah lived 950 years, and then he died.

Good to know...

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 9:20 Or soil, was the first
b. Genesis 9:26 Or be his slave
c. Genesis 9:27 Japheth sounds like the Hebrew for extend .
d. Genesis 9:27 Or their

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 8

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 8

¹ But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded. ² Now the springs of the deep and the floodgates of the heavens had been closed, and the rain had stopped falling from the sky. ³ The water receded steadily from the earth. At the end of the hundred and fifty days the water had gone down, ⁴ and on the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. ⁵ The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.

We see a verse repeating the idea that the earth is surrounded by a dome and that opening or closing it will let water fall, but I'll let it slide as a metaphor this time. So now is the official number a hundred and fifty days for the flood seeing as how it's repeated here instead of the original forty days and forty nights? "and on the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.": in two verses back to back, there's a contradiction, at least I perceive one. If the ark rests on the mountains of Ararat on the seventh month, it means the tops of the mountains were visible already, so why say that they became visible on the tenth month only? Why say that wind makes the water disappear too now that I think about it? (Water could push the water, but it will completely disappear through the process of evaporation with the sun. They probably didn't know that, which means God didn't know that if we're to believe this book was written through divine inspiration.)

⁶ After forty days Noah opened the window he had made in the ark ⁷ and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth. ⁸ Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. ⁹ But the dove could find no place to set its feet because there was water over all the surface of the earth; so it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark. ¹⁰ He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. ¹¹ When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. ¹² He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

Is there a reason why he sends a raven then prefers the dove? (Not that it matters, but I'd like to know if I'm not getting something.) Anyway, animals aren't the best thing to rely on for information, but seeing as how God made Noah build the ark, it's not like he can easily see what's going on outside after all. "When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.": why isn't Noah getting out of the ark as soon as the dove brings back a leaf, it just doesn't make any sense to wait any longer does it? But a lot more importantly, how did trees survive the flood. Not only should the water exposure for so long have given them too much water, but the pressure would have been enough to get rid of them anyway.

¹³ By the first day of the first month of Noah's six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. ¹⁴ By the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry.

One has to wonder how dry the ground has to be before Noah dares to step outside...

¹⁵ Then God said to Noah, ¹⁶ "Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. ¹⁷ Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number upon it."

God finally has to practically force Noah to come out. Is Noah so much of a slave that he has no free thought of his own anymore (or never had)? Maybe that's why God picked him. "so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number upon it.": yeah sure, now you want them to multiply. That's God's ultimate plan: create something, see if it works, if it doesn't send water, wash, rinse and repeat. So let me repeat what we've just read. A 600 years old man was so good that the creator chose him among all men to survive the incomprehensibly complicated method of eradicating evil he had chosen (including killing animals even if he only said that men were evil). That same old man was asked to build the biggest wooden ship ever with no particular knowledge of building this kind of thing, all alone. That ship, against all odds and what we know, managed to stand for something like a year (with the way it's written, it's impossible to get an accurate count, even if lots of numbers are thrown in). All the fucking species of living things on the earth, except for plants, were in that ark in a single pair or at most in seven pairs. There was lots of different food for each different species and also enough for them to live for that long, assuming they'd live through the trip in conditions they're not used to, that they'd get along too, that no one would get sick, etc. (you've got to wonder where the shit and piss went too). Some species don't even live as long as a year. We've got to assume that no mistake was made and that all animals were sexual opposites, that they were all fertile, with no biologist expert onboard. Finally, the earth has miraculously survived what just happened, even plants survived. I'm sorry, but that's just impossible to accept blindly in a regular brain state, let me get high first and I'll come back on that, OK?

¹⁸ So Noah came out, together with his sons and his wife and his sons' wives. ¹⁹ All the animals and all the creatures that move along the ground and all the birds—everything that moves on the earth—came out of the ark, one kind after another.

So all the fucking species on this earth just travelled and got out at the same place, on a single continent. How is it that the earth we know has species exclusive to certain parts of the world (not including the fact that we can see an elephant at the zoo in Canada even if elephants are not supposed to live there)?

²⁰ Then Noah built an altar to the LORD and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. ²¹ The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though ^[a] every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

What the fuck, this is seriously messed up. Not only is God so much of a freak that he likes the smell of burnt offerings (what kind of God is that?), but Noah is killing what are some of the last remaining specimens of near extinct species (I know there are more specimens of clean animals and birds than unclean animals, but still). He's quite the good man, isn't he? Couldn't there be a way for God to rely less on killing? Oh, of course God says: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.", but that doesn't count after what he did. It's just like Hitler (Godwin's law protection activated) saying "I'm sorry" after killing tons of Jews, no one would buy that. God is the predecessor to Hitler, and he's much more effective too. And isn't God making a mistake here? I mean, man is not PURELY evil from birth as far as I know from experience (isn't he admitting to a major flaw in what he made himself?) and I thought Noah and his family were supposed to be good, so what he's saying is proved to be wrong right here. He does bring up a good point though, you don't kill all living creature just because you found a flaw in one particular type or you don't even kill according to one of his commandments. The Old Testament is God making mistakes over and over again. It's quite a joke knowing that he's supposed to know everything. What a douche! And I guess this was the part where we were supposed to understand him, find him good as he cares for us and thank him, wasn't it? Fuck him! (Note that I'm not angry at God for real, I don't believe in him from the start. Though I do actually despise the character if he were to exist and be exactly like that.)

²² "As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease."

I'm happy to know that you know how the universe works God! You're making a slight mistake though, because day and night would still go on even if the earth was to be wiped out by whatever right now. If there's a Sun and planets revolving around it, there's something called a day and a night. There might be no one to notice it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist objectively. Of course, the Bible is not up with science.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 8:21 Or man, for

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 7

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 7

¹ The LORD then said to Noah, "Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. ² Take with you seven ^[a] of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and two of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, ³ and also seven of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. ⁴ Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made."

Thanks for talking about clean and unclean animals without stating what they are! I know it's explained later on, but you don't bring up something like that first and explain it dozens of chapters later. And why choose an arbitrary number like seven clean animals? I know the Bible has an obsession with the number 7, beginning with God creating everything in six days and resting on the seventh day, but please explain. Furthermore, if God wanted to keep the various animal species, he just had to kill all humans, not animals. Don't tell me he couldn't, he's God! (Why are birds once again treated as something else than animals, though going through a fate similar to clean animals?)

⁵ And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him.

Told you Noah was God's bitch! People see that as a quality, what can I say?

⁶ Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. ⁷ And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood. ⁸ Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, ⁹ male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah. ¹⁰ And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.

So Noah's sons are 100 years old now (I don't know, it's just weird to point out). "Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah.": well, the fact that the animals came to Noah is not a command. It sounds like Noah had nothing to do with that and they just came of their own will. OK, that's nitpicking...

¹¹ In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, on the seventeenth day of the second month—on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. ¹² And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.

Sure, now be precise! February 17, isn't it? What are they talking about with the floodgates? Rain comes from clouds! Again, this belief seems to indicate that people who wrote the Bible really believed in some kind of dome surrounding the earth that you can open to let the water from the sky (which is in fact not water even if it's blue) fall down on the ground.

¹³ On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. ¹⁴ They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings. ¹⁵ Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. ¹⁶ The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the LORD shut him in.

What a huge chaotic party! Hey see, animals and every other living creatures do have a spirit! "Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark."

¹⁷ For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. ¹⁸ The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. ¹⁹ They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. ²⁰ The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than twenty feet. ^[b] , ^{[c] 21} Every living thing that moved on the earth perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. ²² Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. ²³ Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; men and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds of the air were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.

So yeah, I was right when I said that the flood would cover Mount Everest and even twenty feet more than that. I repeat, that's quite a LOT of water! They talk about every living thing dying, but it just seems like the Bible forgot that plants are living things too, even if they don't breathe through their nostrils (I guess without the knowledge we have today, it would be hard to guess that those non-moving objects are actually living, but a book written by divine inspiration should be aware of that). Also, I guess God was not angry with fishes, because I'm sure lots of them survived. "Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.": So I guess we have no choice to bring back incest once again if we want to populate the earth. God is a creepy pervert! Not only that, but the gene pool is quite small, though bigger than with only Adam and Eve. A small gene pool is a very risky situation for a species, more often than not leading to extinction. We're more open to severe genetic diseases too, that's why incest is not usually accepted, at the very least not to produce children.

²⁴ The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

Wasn't the flood 40 days, in the same chapter? That's quite the severe case of Alzheimer's disease we have here!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 7:2 Or seven pairs ; also in verse
b. Genesis 7:20 Hebrew fifteen cubits (about 6.9 meters)
c. Genesis 7:20 Or rose more than twenty feet, and the mountains were covered

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 6

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 6

The Flood

¹ When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, ² the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. ³ Then the LORD said, "My Spirit will not contend with ^[a] man forever, for he is mortal ^[b] ; his days will be a hundred and twenty years."

So are the sons of God men? Anyway, they seem like quite the bastards taking any woman they want. Why are we talking about the sons of God and the daughters of men? God created man and woman! This is probably written by a man, don't you think? "Then the LORD said, "My Spirit will not contend with man forever, for he is mortal ; his days will be a hundred and twenty years."": so it would seem we're talking about the same type of years (because 120 years is possible for some humans right now) meaning that the incredible huge numbers in the previous chapter were meant to be taken literally. Damn is all I can say! But what about the fact that living 120 years old is really really rare? We usually live 40+ years less than that and it's actually better than in the last century for example. Also, what about the few people who lived a little bit past 120 years old? I guess God's limit is not a solid limit (which he could have made since, you know, he's God). I'm sure that if humans don't destroy themselves before that, they'll find a way to live even longer than that with time. (Update: I've been made aware that people think these 120 years are talking about when the flood will occur and not people's lifespan. In my opinion, that's some severe case of reinterpretation to make the book have sense since it's supposed to make sense if you believe it to be true in the first place. I know it also depends on the translation of the book you're reading, but this one is clear about humans being mortals that can't live off of God's spirit forever. It says nothing about when God says that and nothing to indicate that it is the flood that will occur in 120 years, even if it's in the same chapter.)

⁴ The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.

I'm already wondering who these sons of God are and now we're introducing the Nephilim, a word which just looks like nothing I know. It's funny how the Bible likes to introduce things like that without explaining anything. Reading the Bible doesn't bring you answers.

⁵ The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. ⁶ The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. ⁷ So the LORD said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth—men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air—for I am grieved that I have made them." ⁸ But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD.

You've got to wonder how God could mess up so bad in his creations. It just seems like this paragraph doesn't speak of a God who knows everything. I just don't believe that a man can be entirely 100% completely pure evil. There are quite evil men, serial killers and the likes, but even they must have some good thoughts from time to time or at least think they're working for the greater good in a messed up way as seen from our standard perspective. They're just more evil than good and probably deserve to be removed from society as we do when we put them in prison, but the Bible speaks in black and white. One last note, God seems to be angry with men, why destroy every bit of his creation? Should I kill the mother of a serial killer or his neighbor's dog to make a more appropriate analogy?

⁹ This is the account of Noah.
Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God. ¹⁰ Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth.

See what I told you, the Bible speaks in black and white. Men are completely evil beyond repair; Noah is completely good beyond corruption (although I'm pretty sure most theists agree on the Bible saying that there are not just men). Hard to believe that just about everybody is completely bad in the society Noah lives in, yet he became a great man. I guess his sons and his wife and his sons' wives are good too, but that's another case of the Bible not being precise enough when it needs to be.

¹¹ Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight and was full of violence. ¹² God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. ¹³ So God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. ¹⁴ So make yourself an ark of cypress ^[c] wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. ¹⁵ This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. ^{[d] 16} Make a roof for it and finish ^[e] the ark to within 18 inches ^[f] of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. ¹⁷ I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. ¹⁸ But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you. ¹⁹ You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. ²⁰ Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. ²¹ You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them."

"God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways.": in what way? And I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, all I could think of was playing and having fun with friends, nothing evil with that. There were probably children among those people too or did people live long enough that they could wait before procreating? It just seems like the flood is an incredibly overcomplicated way to do what God wants to do when he could just do anything else, because he's God and he can do everything, can't he? (I know I'm asking lots of questions in these things!) The task God is presenting to Noah is quite simply put impossible. No one has ever built a wooden ship that big and even then, when they're so big they tend to require lots of support and break more easily. Also there are so many species on this earth (now that we know a lot more about our world than in the time of the Bible) that they wouldn't fit in this ark, even if it's quite big. We also have to assume that the animals won't die, won't hurt each other, will be fertile, will be compatible. Just try differentiating between a male and a female for most animals; it's quite hard if you're not a biologist or some kind of expert. Did Noah even save ants, cockroaches and spiders? We've not even thought yet about the various types of foods needed just because each animal has a particular diet, herbivores, carnivores, omnivores, etc.. (Why is the Bible speaking about birds in a different way than animals? Birds are animals! Flying animals, but still animals... How could Noah catch birds?) What about the damage done to nature and the earth if there was a flood covering all of it, assuming it might go as high as Mount Everest if it is to cover everything? (Man, that's really a LOT of water!) After all, God said something about destroying the earth too, which isn't good for Noah's sake if you know what I mean. Noah surely didn't bring every kind of plants and trees on his ark, did he? How come we have all these specimens of various plants across the world, including those living in deserts? I should've stopped even earlier just at the realization that Noah couldn't possibly collect every living thing on earth in a lifetime since all species don't even live on the same continent as he did. I just have lots of problems with this passage of the Bible, especially knowing that grown men believe that this is entirely true. But at least I'll say that, my problems with this are purely on a logical level, not on a moral level assuming that the Bible tells the truth about those men being completely the most evil bastards there ever were. I can't say that about other parts of the Bible which even seem to condone rape, in a messed up way.

²² Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

Of course he did, he's God's bitch! No questions asked? Not even compassion for his people no matter how evil they are? He could at least complain about having to do all this work at his very advanced age while the only thing God has to do is magic to solve the whole situation (make an ark appear or make evil people vanish with a thought without the need for a flood).

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 6:3 Or My spirit will not remain in
b. Genesis 6:3 Or corrupt
c. Genesis 6:14 The meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.
d. Genesis 6:15 Hebrew 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits high (about 140 meters long, 23 meters wide and 13.5 meters high)
e. Genesis 6:16 Or Make an opening for light by finishing
f. Genesis 6:16 Hebrew a cubit (about 0.5 meter)

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 5

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 5

From Adam to Noah

¹ This is the written account of Adam's line.
When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. ² He created them male and female and blessed them. And when they were created, he called them "man. ^[a] "

Well, according to the book he created female a bit later on, but I'll let it pass since it's a summary. Don't you think it's funny that God wanted to create a being in the likeness of God and yet he got angry when they ate from the tree that made them like God or at least gave them a bit of his knowledge?

³ When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. ⁴ After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. ⁵ Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.

Wow, I hope we're not talking about the same "years" I know of, because we still can't live that old even today and we know that we tend to live longer than people 100 years ago and themselves lived generally longer than people 500 years ago for example. Most of us aren't even healthy in our older years. Also, should I assume that Adam slept with another woman at some point (since this is the Bible, I could assume one of his daughters), because we all know that women reach an age where they can't conceive anymore, even if they want to (you know, menopause). I guess even thousands of years ago they could observe that older women couldn't conceive anymore, so the author probably meant for Adam to sleep with other women too.

⁶ When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father ^[b] of Enosh. ⁷ And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. ⁸ Altogether, Seth lived 912 years, and then he died.

OK, we're definitely talking about another type of "years, because this passage seems to imply that Seth had his first child (among others) at 105 years. No sane man would have waited that long. By the way, I'll always say it's stupid and boring when the Bible gets into long descriptions, but don't you think saying "and had other sons and daughters" each time is kind of cheap. I'd like to interview one of these other children to know how they feel about that.

⁹ When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan. ¹⁰ And after he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹¹ Altogether, Enosh lived 905 years, and then he died.

Why did they choose Enosh anyway, it just looks like Enoch which has already been used. It's funny because I can imagine a child writing this chapter with all these random characters living these incredibly huge amounts of time. Can't you see a child writing something this ridiculous? That or like I said we're not talking about the same type of "years".

¹² When Kenan had lived 70 years, he became the father of Mahalalel. ¹³ And after he became the father of Mahalalel, Kenan lived 840 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹⁴ Altogether, Kenan lived 910 years, and then he died.

Who would read this book and continue after that? (Me, but it's not that I like it.) I feel like reading a long poem with these repeating verses, a long boring poem and I don't really like poems, they're just not for me.

¹⁵ When Mahalalel had lived 65 years, he became the father of Jared. ¹⁶ And after he became the father of Jared, Mahalalel lived 830 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹⁷ Altogether, Mahalalel lived 895 years, and then he died.

Jared Fogle?

¹⁸ When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. ¹⁹ And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. ²⁰ Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died.

You see! Jared was right! Eating at Subway is good for you; he got to live 962 years! (Why Enoch? Has the Bible run out of funny names? Cain already has a son named Enoch.)

²¹ When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. ²² And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. ²³ Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. ²⁴ Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.

Hm, this one is different a bit. What I get from this paragraph is that Enoch walked with God, conceived child with him (no one else around and Enoch had other children during this time) and tired himself to death after walking for so long. OK, I'm kidding! I know that's not what they mean, though I'm not sure what they mean here, but I had to come up with an explanation for Enoch's short life. (That is 365 years.) "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.": exactly the bit that needs more explanation and precision, but the author decided otherwise, instead using vague words. It just seems like God vaporized Enoch from these words, but believers will say that means he's now in Heaven I guess. (What about the others, why is this verse different like that?)

²⁵ When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech. ²⁶ And after he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters. ²⁷ Altogether, Methuselah lived 969 years, and then he died.

This just makes the previous paragraph even more confusing. Why would someone write 6 very similar paragraphs, then a different one only to come back to the same style for one more? It's poorly written (although it can probably be used in a good way in some texts) and furthermore given the context, I don't understand why only the previous paragraph featured this difference. Very important to note that Cain had a son named Enoch who would have one of his descendants named Methushael, very similar to Methuselah. Methushael would have a son named Lamech, just like Methuselah had a son named Lamech. Now I might be wrong, but it just seems like somebody messed up at some point and I'm not just talking about a typo since Cain is supposed to be Enoch's father in the other chapter while Jared is right here.

²⁸ When Lamech had lived 182 years, he had a son. ²⁹ He named him Noah ^[c] and said, "He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the LORD has cursed." ³⁰ After Noah was born, Lamech lived 595 years and had other sons and daughters. ³¹ Altogether, Lamech lived 777 years, and then he died.

Oh yeah I nearly forgot that God cursed the ground in chapter 3, probably because I live a great life of comfort in modern technology (once again, I know people aren't all lucky like that, but if there was a caring God, good people wouldn't be suffering while I, a good enough person too, live my life just fine, at least that's how I see it). I guess that's why Cain was removed from this line of descendants (rather poorly at that), because Noah can't come from his line, he's like the best man that ever lived if you continue reading the book.

³² After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth.

The way this verse is written, we're led to believe Noah had his children at 500 years old (and maybe all at the same time since I imagine they'd precise each different year otherwise, this is the Bible after all). Noah really isn't a horny man, I'll say that!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 5:2 Hebrew adam
b. Genesis 5:6 Father may mean ancestor ; also in verses 7-26.
c. Genesis 5:29 Noah sounds like the Hebrew for comfort .