An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 7

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 7

¹ The LORD then said to Noah, "Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. ² Take with you seven ^[a] of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and two of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, ³ and also seven of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. ⁴ Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made."

Thanks for talking about clean and unclean animals without stating what they are! I know it's explained later on, but you don't bring up something like that first and explain it dozens of chapters later. And why choose an arbitrary number like seven clean animals? I know the Bible has an obsession with the number 7, beginning with God creating everything in six days and resting on the seventh day, but please explain. Furthermore, if God wanted to keep the various animal species, he just had to kill all humans, not animals. Don't tell me he couldn't, he's God! (Why are birds once again treated as something else than animals, though going through a fate similar to clean animals?)

⁵ And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him.

Told you Noah was God's bitch! People see that as a quality, what can I say?

⁶ Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. ⁷ And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood. ⁸ Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, ⁹ male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah. ¹⁰ And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.

So Noah's sons are 100 years old now (I don't know, it's just weird to point out). "Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah.": well, the fact that the animals came to Noah is not a command. It sounds like Noah had nothing to do with that and they just came of their own will. OK, that's nitpicking...

¹¹ In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, on the seventeenth day of the second month—on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. ¹² And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.

Sure, now be precise! February 17, isn't it? What are they talking about with the floodgates? Rain comes from clouds! Again, this belief seems to indicate that people who wrote the Bible really believed in some kind of dome surrounding the earth that you can open to let the water from the sky (which is in fact not water even if it's blue) fall down on the ground.

¹³ On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. ¹⁴ They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings. ¹⁵ Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. ¹⁶ The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the LORD shut him in.

What a huge chaotic party! Hey see, animals and every other living creatures do have a spirit! "Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark."

¹⁷ For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. ¹⁸ The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. ¹⁹ They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. ²⁰ The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than twenty feet. ^[b] , ^{[c] 21} Every living thing that moved on the earth perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. ²² Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. ²³ Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; men and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds of the air were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.

So yeah, I was right when I said that the flood would cover Mount Everest and even twenty feet more than that. I repeat, that's quite a LOT of water! They talk about every living thing dying, but it just seems like the Bible forgot that plants are living things too, even if they don't breathe through their nostrils (I guess without the knowledge we have today, it would be hard to guess that those non-moving objects are actually living, but a book written by divine inspiration should be aware of that). Also, I guess God was not angry with fishes, because I'm sure lots of them survived. "Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.": So I guess we have no choice to bring back incest once again if we want to populate the earth. God is a creepy pervert! Not only that, but the gene pool is quite small, though bigger than with only Adam and Eve. A small gene pool is a very risky situation for a species, more often than not leading to extinction. We're more open to severe genetic diseases too, that's why incest is not usually accepted, at the very least not to produce children.

²⁴ The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

Wasn't the flood 40 days, in the same chapter? That's quite the severe case of Alzheimer's disease we have here!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 7:2 Or seven pairs ; also in verse
b. Genesis 7:20 Hebrew fifteen cubits (about 6.9 meters)
c. Genesis 7:20 Or rose more than twenty feet, and the mountains were covered