An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 5

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 5

From Adam to Noah

¹ This is the written account of Adam's line.
When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. ² He created them male and female and blessed them. And when they were created, he called them "man. ^[a] "

Well, according to the book he created female a bit later on, but I'll let it pass since it's a summary. Don't you think it's funny that God wanted to create a being in the likeness of God and yet he got angry when they ate from the tree that made them like God or at least gave them a bit of his knowledge?

³ When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. ⁴ After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. ⁵ Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.

Wow, I hope we're not talking about the same "years" I know of, because we still can't live that old even today and we know that we tend to live longer than people 100 years ago and themselves lived generally longer than people 500 years ago for example. Most of us aren't even healthy in our older years. Also, should I assume that Adam slept with another woman at some point (since this is the Bible, I could assume one of his daughters), because we all know that women reach an age where they can't conceive anymore, even if they want to (you know, menopause). I guess even thousands of years ago they could observe that older women couldn't conceive anymore, so the author probably meant for Adam to sleep with other women too.

⁶ When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father ^[b] of Enosh. ⁷ And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. ⁸ Altogether, Seth lived 912 years, and then he died.

OK, we're definitely talking about another type of "years, because this passage seems to imply that Seth had his first child (among others) at 105 years. No sane man would have waited that long. By the way, I'll always say it's stupid and boring when the Bible gets into long descriptions, but don't you think saying "and had other sons and daughters" each time is kind of cheap. I'd like to interview one of these other children to know how they feel about that.

⁹ When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan. ¹⁰ And after he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹¹ Altogether, Enosh lived 905 years, and then he died.

Why did they choose Enosh anyway, it just looks like Enoch which has already been used. It's funny because I can imagine a child writing this chapter with all these random characters living these incredibly huge amounts of time. Can't you see a child writing something this ridiculous? That or like I said we're not talking about the same type of "years".

¹² When Kenan had lived 70 years, he became the father of Mahalalel. ¹³ And after he became the father of Mahalalel, Kenan lived 840 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹⁴ Altogether, Kenan lived 910 years, and then he died.

Who would read this book and continue after that? (Me, but it's not that I like it.) I feel like reading a long poem with these repeating verses, a long boring poem and I don't really like poems, they're just not for me.

¹⁵ When Mahalalel had lived 65 years, he became the father of Jared. ¹⁶ And after he became the father of Jared, Mahalalel lived 830 years and had other sons and daughters. ¹⁷ Altogether, Mahalalel lived 895 years, and then he died.

Jared Fogle?

¹⁸ When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. ¹⁹ And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. ²⁰ Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died.

You see! Jared was right! Eating at Subway is good for you; he got to live 962 years! (Why Enoch? Has the Bible run out of funny names? Cain already has a son named Enoch.)

²¹ When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. ²² And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. ²³ Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. ²⁴ Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.

Hm, this one is different a bit. What I get from this paragraph is that Enoch walked with God, conceived child with him (no one else around and Enoch had other children during this time) and tired himself to death after walking for so long. OK, I'm kidding! I know that's not what they mean, though I'm not sure what they mean here, but I had to come up with an explanation for Enoch's short life. (That is 365 years.) "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away.": exactly the bit that needs more explanation and precision, but the author decided otherwise, instead using vague words. It just seems like God vaporized Enoch from these words, but believers will say that means he's now in Heaven I guess. (What about the others, why is this verse different like that?)

²⁵ When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech. ²⁶ And after he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters. ²⁷ Altogether, Methuselah lived 969 years, and then he died.

This just makes the previous paragraph even more confusing. Why would someone write 6 very similar paragraphs, then a different one only to come back to the same style for one more? It's poorly written (although it can probably be used in a good way in some texts) and furthermore given the context, I don't understand why only the previous paragraph featured this difference. Very important to note that Cain had a son named Enoch who would have one of his descendants named Methushael, very similar to Methuselah. Methushael would have a son named Lamech, just like Methuselah had a son named Lamech. Now I might be wrong, but it just seems like somebody messed up at some point and I'm not just talking about a typo since Cain is supposed to be Enoch's father in the other chapter while Jared is right here.

²⁸ When Lamech had lived 182 years, he had a son. ²⁹ He named him Noah ^[c] and said, "He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the LORD has cursed." ³⁰ After Noah was born, Lamech lived 595 years and had other sons and daughters. ³¹ Altogether, Lamech lived 777 years, and then he died.

Oh yeah I nearly forgot that God cursed the ground in chapter 3, probably because I live a great life of comfort in modern technology (once again, I know people aren't all lucky like that, but if there was a caring God, good people wouldn't be suffering while I, a good enough person too, live my life just fine, at least that's how I see it). I guess that's why Cain was removed from this line of descendants (rather poorly at that), because Noah can't come from his line, he's like the best man that ever lived if you continue reading the book.

³² After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth.

The way this verse is written, we're led to believe Noah had his children at 500 years old (and maybe all at the same time since I imagine they'd precise each different year otherwise, this is the Bible after all). Noah really isn't a horny man, I'll say that!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 5:2 Hebrew adam
b. Genesis 5:6 Father may mean ancestor ; also in verses 7-26.
c. Genesis 5:29 Noah sounds like the Hebrew for comfort .