An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 4

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 4

Cain and Abel

¹ Adam ^[a] lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. ^[b] She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth ^[c] a man." ² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. ³ In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the LORD. ⁴ But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, ⁵ but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.

"With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man.": so I wonder where you place "the LORD"'s involvement in childbirth now that we know the natural process of the sex cells and the meiosis and how it can produce a fully functional living being. Don't get me wrong, life is a wonderful thing, maybe the most wonderful of things in our eyes (that is the eyes of living beings), but it's not a miracle. Of course, it would probably seem more likely that something magical is going on to the eyes of people living thousands of years in the past. "The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.": I can fully understand Cain here. Why is God being such a douche to him and why does he dislikes fruits from the soil that Cain had to work hard on? Oh right, God thirsts for blood, especially when we're talking about firstborns (I know we're talking about simple animals here, but still), because you know, it's more evil...

⁶ Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

Oh come on God! You already know what he's going to do because you made him angry, at least you should know since you're God... So what are you saying here, that Cain shouldn't be angry that you pulled the middle finger at him because it doesn't mean you're not accepting him as long as he doesn't sin or are you saying that offering fruits wasn't the right thing and that he should know best next time?

⁸ Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." ^[d] And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

OK, maybe I shouldn't have been taking Cain's side before, because now it's clear that the guy is not too smart and has anger issues. I know I said God was a douche, a big douche in fact, but he still said something to cheer Cain up, I guess. Cain, what you did was totally uncalled for. But now, we've got to wonder what kind of God Cain has to fear. I mean, he talks to the guy personally, he knows what kinds of power he has, so he knows he won't be able to hide the murder, he also knows he will probably be punished and he knows that God hadn't abandoned him from what he told him, so I don't understand his actions at all. So it's either that this part of the story isn't true at all and it only serves to show that anger is a dangerous sin or Cain must've been crazy or retarded if he existed and things went on exactly like that. No rational human being would react like that from what I know.

⁹ Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
"I don't know," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"

Once again, I'm going to point out that God knew all along that this would happen. He did nothing to stop it. If you say otherwise, you have to reject that God knows everything, and I know most people won't.

¹⁰ The LORD said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. ¹¹ Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. ¹² When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth."

Doesn't seem like much of a punition for killing. I'm totally against the death penalty, but that's what some countries decide you deserve for your actions. Or at least you get to spend your life in prison with all your liberties removed from you. Cain's punition for killing, as decided by God: move. And it's not like God doesn't kill people later on, for things less serious than murder.

¹³ Cain said to the LORD, "My punishment is more than I can bear. ¹⁴ Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."

Oh I get it; God just gave him a subtle death sentence since people will kill him anyway. OK, I guess it's an appropriate punition since people do look for vengeance (I wonder why we're like that); that is assuming God has informed them... Wait a minute!? What people? I know only of Adam, Eve, now deceased Abel and Cain. I hope we get an answer in the next few verses...

¹⁵ But the LORD said to him, "Not so ^[e] ; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." Then the LORD put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. ¹⁶ So Cain went out from the LORD's presence and lived in the land of Nod, ^[f] east of Eden.

Well, so what's Cain's punition then? He almost looks like he got a special award, except maybe that people won't respect him when they see him and his mark. I wonder how can someone be punished seven times more than death. By the way, we're not resolving anything about the issue of there being other people on this earth. And how can one be away from the LORD's presence if he's supposed to be everywhere?

¹⁷ Cain lay with his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch. ¹⁸ To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.

OK, NOW I'M ANGRY!!! Where the hell does this wife come from and who will explain that to me? Did God make other people or did Adam and Eve have a daughter that Cain is now banging? I hope the latter is not the case, because the risk of genetic disorder is greatly increased in children resulting from incestual relations. Also, I think God should have informed us of any other people he created, did he think we would not see the plot holes? Oh right, barbaric humans wrote that, not a god. Anyway, I see that these passages where we're informed of generations of humans are even more boring (except for the funny names) and they don't serve much purpose at least for now, so maybe I should be thankful that we don't know about every humans God made up to this point.

¹⁹ Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. ²⁰ Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. ²¹ His brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play the harp and flute. ²² Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of ^[g] bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain's sister was Naamah.

Well, well, well, isn't that our good friend polygamy! Now I'll admit myself that I have nothing against polygamy. I don't think it's a god given right (since I obviously don't believe there's a god granting us any right) and I don't think people should be forced in these relations, but if everyone is satisfied and happy in the relation, I don't see why we should forbid it. As for myself, I don't live in polygamy or plan to, but I'm bringing this up because nearly all believers (at least Christian believers) are against polygamy, even saying that God doesn't want that. Now explain to me why there is so much polygamy in the "holy book", because yeah there's much more to come.

²³ Lamech said to his wives,
"Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed ^[h] a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me.

I guess this passage is used to establish that Cain's descendance is as irrational as he was. Can't say much about this, seems fair (not that "being evil" is genetically transmitted, but if you're raised by an "evil" person you start off life on the wrong path).

²⁴ If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times."

Wait! What? Lots of useless things have been written so far, but this accomplished nothing other than being weird and I can't see why it was necessary to include that in the book, whether this is based on a true story or not. And how did Lamech suddenly decide that? Anyway, not important at all and not fair either (but I can't blame it on God this time, since we're not aware of whether or not God gave him the right to say that).

²⁵ Adam lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, ^[i] saying, "God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him." ²⁶ Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh.
At that time men began to call on ^[j] the name of the LORD.

So is this a return back in time or are we saying that Seth was born at the same time or even after Lamech? Can't know considering how this "holy book" is written. Now I hate to bring incestual relationships back, but assuming Seth wasn't chased from God's presence like Cain, the only woman around that could give him a son is Eve. I'll remind you that she's his mother. I'm not sure that's what the author meant though. I believe that he was so high at this point that he forgot he had to explain things such as where does Seth's wife come from.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 4:1 Or The man
b. Genesis 4:1 Cain sounds like the Hebrew for brought forth or acquired .
c. Genesis 4:1 Or have acquired
d. Genesis 4:8 Samaritan Pentateuch, Septuagint, Vulgate and Syriac; Masoretic Text does not have "Let's go out to the field."
e. Genesis 4:15 Septuagint, Vulgate and Syriac; Hebrew Very well
f. Genesis 4:16 Nod means wandering (see verses 12 and 14).
g. Genesis 4:22 Or who instructed all who work in
h. Genesis 4:23 Or I will kill
i. Genesis 4:25 Seth probably means granted .
j. Genesis 4:26 Or to proclaim