Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.
New International Version
Genesis 10
The Table of Nations
1 This is the account of Shem, Ham and Japheth, Noah's sons, who themselves had sons after the flood.
I guess so, God wiped out humanity after all. I sure hope they had sons or if this story is true, I wouldn't be here! But thanks for pointing out that obvious statement, dear holy book!The Japhethites
2 The sons [a] of Japheth:
Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech and Tiras.
OK...3 The sons of Gomer:
Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah.
Hmmm...4 The sons of Javan:
Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittim and the Rodanim. [b] 5 (From these the maritime peoples spread out into their territories by their clans within their nations, each with its own language.)
So Japheth has a son named Javan. This Javan has a couple of sons (why never daughters?) and they develop different languages (or already spoke different languages)? I don't think that's how languages develop, or at least not that fast. I speak French like my parents and of course I learned English as you can see, but I don't expect my children to speak Esperanto suddenly. Languages are not magical things, they're not even physical things, they just thoughts that evolve over time. It's just like the French we speak in Quebec is not completely the same as in France, but they're still pretty similar languages after all those years of living in different continents. It's not comparable to the difference between Italian and German for example.The Hamites
6 The sons of Ham:
Cush, Mizraim, [c] Put and Canaan.
OK, I get it, this is going to be one of those. I heard that the Bible was full of boring and mostly useless genealogy, but damn!7 The sons of Cush:
Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah and Sabteca.
The sons of Raamah:
Sheba and Dedan.
I'm sure this will come in handy later on, right?8 Cush was the father [d] of Nimrod, who grew to be a mighty warrior on the earth. 9 He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; that is why it is said, "Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the LORD." 10 The first centers of his kingdom were Babylon, Erech, Akkad and Calneh, in [e] Shinar. [f] 11 From that land he went to Assyria, where he built Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, [g] Calah 12 and Resen, which is between Nineveh and Calah; that is the great city.
"He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; that is why it is said, 'Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the LORD.'": of course, I was just saying that this morning in fact! Seriously, that's not how you write a book. They're introducing random characters, giving only their name and I'm supposed to care about them. They're worse than one-dimensional characters!13 Mizraim was the father of
the Ludites, Anamites, Lehabites, Naphtuhites, 14 Pathrusites, Casluhites (from whom the Philistines came) and Caphtorites.
Come to think of it, I like it when there's more information like there was about Nimrod. At least, I have something to say. Now I just get names that I will forget in 2 minutes (I remember Mario, from Mario Bros., but that's because I've seen him do stuff. For them, I just have names and that's it.)15 Canaan was the father of
Sidon his firstborn, [h] and of the Hittites, 16 Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, 17 Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, 18 Arvadites, Zemarites and Hamathites.
Later the Canaanite clans scattered 19 and the borders of Canaan reached from Sidon toward Gerar as far as Gaza, and then toward Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah and Zeboiim, as far as Lasha.
Nice to see that Canaan was allowed to have a legacy, even if his FATHER LOOKED AT NOAH NAKED POTENTIALLY BY ACCIDENT WHILE NOAH WAS COMPLETELY WASTED.20 These are the sons of Ham by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations.
They too have their languages. Not only doesn't that make sense in this context, but also the book doesn't tell us what those languages are, just the names.The Semites
21 Sons were also born to Shem, whose older brother was [i] Japheth; Shem was the ancestor of all the sons of Eber.
Seriously, Shem was the ancestor of Eber? The famous Eber! Wait, who's Eber?22 The sons of Shem:
Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud and Aram.
One could make song lyrics out of those! Very boring lyrics, sadly...23 The sons of Aram:
Uz, Hul, Gether and Meshech. [j]
Should I start giving you my genealogy now? I promise it wouldn't be more boring, it just wouldn't be more interesting.24 Arphaxad was the father of [k] Shelah,
and Shelah the father of Eber.
There we go. And so Eber, our savior, was born! I hope Eber does something great, because there's been a lot of buildup so far.25 Two sons were born to Eber:
One was named Peleg, [l] because in his time the earth was divided; his brother was named Joktan.
OK, so far Eber has sons like everybody else, but it's not over yet, he could still do something else. "One was named Peleg, because in his time the earth was divided": divided how? In fact, if they mean it like I think they do, the earth is divided right now in many countries and territories.26 Joktan was the father of
Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, 27 Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, 28 Obal, Abimael, Sheba, 29 Ophir, Havilah and Jobab. All these were sons of Joktan.
So was that it for Eber? I just don't get why sometimes a verse is nearly exactly like a previous one, with some minor modifications without it meaning anything (or seemingly meaning nothing at least).30 The region where they lived stretched from Mesha toward Sephar, in the eastern hill country.
OK, that's where they lived. What can I say... (I know the Bible was not written for me to say something, but this is still boring.)31 These are the sons of Shem by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations.
I just don't care anymore, let everyone speak a different language or whatever, I just want to pass to something else.32 These are the clans of Noah's sons, according to their lines of descent, within their nations. From these the nations spread out over the earth after the flood.
Glad it's over with this old fucker! The flood was maybe more interesting in concept even though it didn't make any sense, but his descendence is plain boring!Footnotes:
a. Genesis 10:2 Sons may mean descendants or successors or nations ; also in verses 3, 4, 6, 7, 20-23, 29 and 31.
b. Genesis 10:4 Some manuscripts of the Masoretic Text and Samaritan Pentateuch (see also Septuagint and 1 Chron. 1:7 most manuscripts of the Masoretic Text Dodanim
c. Genesis 10:6 That is, Egypt; also in verse 13
d. Genesis 10:8 Father may mean ancestor or predecessor or founder ; also in verses 13, 15, 24 and 26.
e. Genesis 10:10 Or Erech and Akkad-all of them in
f. Genesis 10:10 That is, Babylonia
g. Genesis 10:11 Or Nineveh with its city squares
h. Genesis 10:15 Or of the Sidonians, the foremost
i. Genesis 10:21 Or Shem, the older brother of
j. Genesis 10:23 See Septuagint and 1 Chron. 1:17; Hebrew Mash
k. Genesis 10:24 Hebrew; Septuagint father of Cainan, and Cainan was the father of
l. Genesis 10:25 Peleg means division .
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