An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 17

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 17

Water From the Rock

¹ The whole Israelite community set out from the Desert of Sin, traveling from place to place as the LORD commanded. They camped at Rephidim, but there was no water for the people to drink. ² So they quarreled with Moses and said, "Give us water to drink."
Moses replied, "Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you put the LORD to the test?"

Hey asshole, they're just asking; people need water to live!

³ But the people were thirsty for water there, and they grumbled against Moses. They said, "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?"

Never mind me protecting them when they return to that same routine. Don't they realize that the LORD always provides for them?

⁴ Then Moses cried out to the LORD, "What am I to do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me."

Just about damn time I get stoned too!

⁵ The LORD answered Moses, "Walk on ahead of the people. Take with you some of the elders of Israel and take in your hand the staff with which you struck the Nile, and go. ⁶ I will stand there before you by the rock at Horeb. Strike the rock, and water will come out of it for the people to drink." So Moses did this in the sight of the elders of Israel. ⁷ And he called the place Massah ^[a] and Meribah ^[b] because the Israelites quarreled and because they tested the LORD saying, "Is the LORD among us or not?"

No they did not say that. They just asked for water and if they don't know by now that the LORD is with them, I guess they never will.

The Amalekites Defeated

⁸ The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. ⁹ Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."

After all, they do have a large army of 600 000 men.

¹⁰ So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. ¹² When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. ¹³ So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

What kind of stupid shit is that? This has become quite literally a puzzle game: "How are you going to keep Moses' hand up for so long? Remember, you have only 3 lives left!"

¹⁴ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."

Because as we know, something written on a piece of paper with no outside evidence to back it up is solid proof.

¹⁵ Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner. ¹⁶ He said, "For hands were lifted up to the throne of the LORD. The ^[c] LORD will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation."

So if I point my hands up I'm physically pointing at something that is up there or what? But seriously, if I believed in a loving God, he wouldn't be one to enforce wars. He would make sure of peace everywhere. A God like that obviously doesn't exist just by looking at our real world.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 17:7 Massah means testing .
b. Exodus 17:7 Meribah means quarreling .
c. Exodus 17:16 Or "Because a hand was against the throne of the LORD , the