An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 16

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 16

Manna and Quail

¹ The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. ² In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. ³ The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

Oh these characters, how I hate them! I mean really. If you can't see why, I don't know what to say, but I just don't believe any humans experiencing what they supposedly went through would act like that.

⁴ Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. ⁵ On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."

Well not much of a test. Basically you provide and they gather and on the sixth day they get more. OK.

⁶ So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, ⁷ and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" ⁸ Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."

I mean, everybody should know that it was the LORD by then. I have good reasons not to believe in God, because none of this is proven and they don't happen anymore. If I was really living at the time seeing these miracles, I would already be a strong believer. But seriously, something sounds pretty bad in this passage: "Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD." That's like saying that priests and religious figures should not be criticized, because indirectly you're criticizing the LORD. Nobody is safe from criticism, including me, and religious figures have no right to use their magical unproven invisible friend to protect themselves.

⁹ Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "

I would be surprised if he hadn't, because first he hears everything and second they ALWAYS grumble.

¹⁰ While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.

If the LORD appeared to me and all the people around me in the clouds, that would be pretty convincing.

¹¹ The LORD said to Moses, ¹² "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "

He could speak to his people directly though, instead of always using Moses. This is what a prophet looks like to me. A funny looking guy all alone hearing voice in his head and telling you what to do from what these voices told him.

¹³ That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. ¹⁴ When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. ¹⁵ When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was.
Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. ¹⁶ This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer ^[a] for each person you have in your tent.' "

First, why is the LORD still pulling these magic tricks the same way a magician would. Second, doesn't he know that leaving food like that to angry hungry people with no enforced directions could get really bad? I mean, the whole thing about the Bible is that humans are these evil beings unworthy of the LORD's love.

¹⁷ The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. ¹⁸ And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.

Well I'm surprised, so I guess the people passed the test then, right?

¹⁹ Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."

Anyway they're hungry, so that should not be a problem.

²⁰ However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.

Once again, I don't believe these characters. Of course, I know that some people wouldn't listen to Moses, but they were hungry so law enforcement or not they would have eaten. On the other hand, if their bread was already like this in the morning, how good was it in the first place? (And Moses is angry, beware Moses, that's a deadly sin!)

²¹ Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. ²² On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers ^[b] for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. ²³ He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "

I think I found a major limitation in God's powers. You realize that he created everything in six days and took a rest on the seventh day? You also realize that he created food for six days straight with a little boost on the sixth day only to rest again on the seventh day? I think he weakens after creating for six days, that's when you should strike!

²⁴ So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. ²⁵ "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. ²⁶ Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."

Of course, a good question could be "why?", but you won't get an answer in this book.

²⁷ Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. ²⁸ Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you ^[c] refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? ²⁹ Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." ³⁰ So the people rested on the seventh day.

Well first of all Mr. Moses, satisfying our sense of curiosity doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Secondly, since you never explain the reason behind anything some people don't understand. Finally, what if some people want to keep steady work all the week instead of working more on the sixth day? That looks like just about the same thing to me (of course, I'm all for not working on a select couple of days, but here the LORD is forcing them to work more on the sixth day, because he doesn't want to do anything on the seventh).

³¹ The people of Israel called the bread manna. ^[d] It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. ³² Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "

Is this bread still here to see? I'd like to see some bread that would still be white and good after all those years.

³³ So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."

OK, so it's still here, right?

³⁴ As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. ³⁵ The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.

They were either very inefficient or that story is bogus (more likely), because it doesn't even take months to travel between Egypt and Canaan. The only way I could explain that is if they went to several regions before Canaan and stayed there for a while (I don't think so, the Bible would probably have written something about that and I believe there could have been wars) or they had to wait until all the people in Canaan left for some unexplained reason (but also not very likely).

³⁶ (An omer is one tenth of an ephah.)

The logical next question is: what is an ephah?

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 16:16 That is, probably about 2 quarts (about 2 liters also in verses 18, 32, 33 and 36
b. Exodus 16:22 That is, probably about 4 quarts (about 4.5 liters)
c. Exodus 16:28 The Hebrew is plural.
d. Exodus 16:31 Manna means What is it? (see verse 15).