An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 15

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 15

The Song of Moses and Miriam

¹ Then Moses and the Israelites sang this song to the LORD :
"I will sing to the LORD,
for he is highly exalted.
The horse and its rider
he has hurled into the sea.

That's new, a song! But seriously, they're singing a song praising a murderer...

² The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

God is NOT your ONLY strength (in fact I'd argue that he's not even part of the equation) and just because he is God is not a reason to still praise him after he has done such evil acts.

³ The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is his name.

Yes, he is indeed a warrior, which is totally the opposite of what I'd say of a loving caring God.

⁴ Pharaoh's chariots and his army
he has hurled into the sea.
The best of Pharaoh's officers
are drowned in the Red Sea. ^[a]

There's stating the facts and then there's being proud of something which you shouldn't be proud of.

⁵ The deep waters have covered them;
they sank to the depths like a stone.

Well technically I don't think they sank at the bottom of the water since they were already at the bottom (on the ground).

⁶ "Your right hand, O LORD,
was majestic in power.
Your right hand, O LORD,
shattered the enemy.

Yes I know, the guy kills people with his own hands. He's a cold blooded murderer. Are you really worshipping him? Do you realize how creepy it would be to sing that today? (I have to be careful, because some people might actually sing that in Christian camps or something like that.)

⁷ In the greatness of your majesty
you threw down those who opposed you.
You unleashed your burning anger;
it consumed them like stubble.

As you know, they opposed him mostly so long because he himself made them oppose him.

⁸ By the blast of your nostrils
the waters piled up.
The surging waters stood firm like a wall;
the deep waters congealed in the heart of the sea.

Nostrils, right hand, they're mostly the same you know.

⁹ "The enemy boasted,
'I will pursue, I will overtake them.
I will divide the spoils;
I will gorge myself on them.
I will draw my sword
and my hand will destroy them.'

Yeah, after God himself made them say that. Don't act like their free will was respected (by the same God who's supposed to care so much about your free will according to believers).

¹⁰ But you blew with your breath,
and the sea covered them.
They sank like lead
in the mighty waters.

Can you picture a believer singing that to his child to send him to sleep? The Bible, "holy" book of war!

¹¹ "Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ?
Who is like you—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?

But there's only one God right? In fact, let's cut the crap. We've seen more than one instance of this book contradicting itself and I'm just getting tired that believers don't even read their Bible to see how what they believe has nothing to do with their "holy" book or that they spin it every way they can to make it work. (If they have to do that, then it's either a bad book or a bad God. Let's not forget that he's not real too.)

¹² You stretched out your right hand
and the earth swallowed them.

Can you see how crazy people like Fred Phelps are right to believe what they believe as Christians? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they're right, I'm saying if you're a Christian and not like Fred Phelps, you're taking your "holy" book too lightly (and I actually appreciate that).

¹³ "In your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
to your holy dwelling.

Yes, love...

¹⁴ The nations will hear and tremble;
anguish will grip the people of Philistia.

Hahaha, only in the Bible can you follow a verse talking about the loving God with one talking about fear and anguish caused by that same Being.

¹⁵ The chiefs of Edom will be terrified,
the leaders of Moab will be seized with trembling,
the people ^[b] of Canaan will melt away;

Seriously, talking about Edom, I don't find that we learned enough about the guy. In fact, he would have been a more major focus than Jacob in my book.

¹⁶ terror and dread will fall upon them.
By the power of your arm
they will be as still as a stone—
until your people pass by, O LORD,
until the people you bought ^[c] pass by.

"[...] until the people you bought pass by.": I certainly hope the right word is "created" instead of "bought". They also say "purchased" in the King James version. I agree though that believers are slaves, slaves to their own conception that they made up in their own brain.

¹⁷ You will bring them in and plant them
on the mountain of your inheritance—
the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling,
the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established.

Yes, continue establishing that some place on this planet is destined to a certain group of people, divinely chosen I might add. It certainly won't lead to any violent territory war later.

¹⁸ The LORD will reign
for ever and ever."

Yeah, just like Zeus and all the gods of dead religions (though I hear that a small group of people still believe in these gods, but we still can safely call them dead). Belief in this particular God is slowly becoming less common. (Belief in a religion over another is simply unfounded and silly by all means when we know that other religions before our current ones had the same type of proofs and are dead now.) I agree that it's still a strong religion (though nearly no one believes in the Christian God as he is described in this book), but in many decades it will certainly fade out as we understand more of our world with science. (The United States is one of the countries which still seem to have a lot of trouble accepting scientific facts contradicting the Bible.)

¹⁹ When Pharaoh's horses, chariots and horsemen ^[d] went into the sea, the LORD brought the waters of the sea back over them, but the Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground. ²⁰ Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing. ²¹ Miriam sang to them:
"Sing to the LORD,
for he is highly exalted.
The horse and its rider
he has hurled into the sea."

I think the song is really bad and immoral, nothing more to say by now.

The Waters of Marah and Elim

²² Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. ²³ When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah. ^[e] ) ²⁴ So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What are we to drink?"

What about your own piss? Ha ha, I'm just kidding!

²⁵ Then Moses cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became sweet.
There the LORD made a decree and a law for them, and there he tested them. ²⁶ He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."

I'm not going to comment on the first bit, it's magic like usual. But what about the LORD who heals you? First it tells you that if you're sick, you're being punished by God. I'm certain that some people anyone would say are good Christians are not healed by the LORD and I'm not just talking about old people. I'm talking about kids dying of cancer. And also, that part about God not giving you sickness if you respect all of his laws is bad. It contradicts what we've found about bacterium and viruses (which you can actually prove with microscopes and medicine) and it's one of the foundations for the belief in faith healing (which should work if this is true; it's not). I know God is only talking about the sickness he gave Pharaoh and his people in this particular verse, but it gets worse in other books of the Bible. Faith healing is a scam and some faith healers have actually been shown to be lying, to be entirely dishonest. They will take your money and your condition risks becoming worse if it's a serious condition that absolutely needs medicine. There was a case about a child dying of a treatable disease (diabetes) because her parents believed that faith would heal her if it was God's will. It's evil, I have no other words. (But I'll say this, if you truly believe in this book, then why do you rely on medical science? Then again, I want you to rely on medical science for your own good.)

²⁷ Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees, and they camped there near the water.

Yep, that's a neat place isn't it? Hey, if God always does magic and he has already made his presence known to these people, why won't he just teleport them to safety? Hasn't he put them through enough tests anyway?

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 15:4 Hebrew Yam Suph; that is, Sea of Reeds; also in verse 22
b. Exodus 15:15 Or rulers
c. Exodus 15:16 Or created
d. Exodus 15:19 Or charioteers
e. Exodus 15:23 Marah means bitter .