An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 13

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 13

Consecration of the Firstborn

¹ The LORD said to Moses, ² "Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether man or animal."

Not the first or last time I say this, but WHY?

³ Then Moses said to the people, "Commemorate this day, the day you came out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery, because the LORD brought you out of it with a mighty hand. Eat nothing containing yeast. ⁴ Today, in the month of Abib, you are leaving. ⁵ When the LORD brings you into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Hivites and Jebusites—the land he swore to your forefathers to give you, a land flowing with milk and honey—you are to observe this ceremony in this month: ⁶ For seven days eat bread made without yeast and on the seventh day hold a festival to the LORD. ⁷ Eat unleavened bread during those seven days; nothing with yeast in it is to be seen among you, nor shall any yeast be seen anywhere within your borders. ⁸ On that day tell your son, 'I do this because of what the LORD did for me when I came out of Egypt.' ⁹ This observance will be for you like a sign on your hand and a reminder on your forehead that the law of the LORD is to be on your lips. For the LORD brought you out of Egypt with his mighty hand. ¹⁰ You must keep this ordinance at the appointed time year after year.

Seems like God is abusing his powers here. The government has more legal power than you, but you know what we call a government that commands you to do some things against your will unless you want to be punished? That's right, we call that a dictatorship and people don't like that. But God is outside of time and space; our human laws don't apply to him... BULLSHIT!! (Of course I agree our laws don't apply to him, he doesn't exist.)

¹¹ "After the LORD brings you into the land of the Canaanites and gives it to you, as he promised on oath to you and your forefathers, ¹² you are to give over to the LORD the first offspring of every womb. All the firstborn males of your livestock belong to the LORD. ¹³ Redeem with a lamb every firstborn donkey, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem every firstborn among your sons.

The LORD always gives you something only to take back more. Don't deal with that guy; it's like selling your soul to the devil! Unless you're a woman, he doesn't seem to care about females.

¹⁴ "In days to come, when your son asks you, 'What does this mean?' say to him, 'With a mighty hand the LORD brought us out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ¹⁵ When Pharaoh stubbornly refused to let us go, the LORD killed every firstborn in Egypt, both man and animal. This is why I sacrifice to the LORD the first male offspring of every womb and redeem each of my firstborn sons.' ¹⁶ And it will be like a sign on your hand and a symbol on your forehead that the LORD brought us out of Egypt with his mighty hand."

"When Pharaoh stubbornly refused to let us go, the LORD killed every firstborn in Egypt, both man and animal.": which was fucking evil, because Pharaoh's heart was specifically hardened by the LORD himself so that he wouldn't let them go. Also other people in Egypt were innocent. Also firstborns in particular had nothing to do with it. Finally, animals just have nothing to do with politics and human society, not that I'm a vegetarian or working for animal rights, but they were the most innocent in that story. They couldn't do anything to prevent their fate (then again, nobody could). "This is why I sacrifice to the LORD the first male offspring of every womb and redeem each of my firstborn sons.": no! This just makes no sense. That's no reason. The LORD is demanding the sacrifice of human beings (one could badly argue that it was to redeem other human beings, but that's no excuse) just to remember that he just killed all Egyptian firstborns or something like that. That's fucking evil once again and it serves no purpose. I question the logic of that verse more than anything. I'll say it out loud (or write it out loud): CHRISTIANS, THE GOD YOU BELIEVE IN DOESN'T EXIST IF NOT FOR THE BIBLE, YET THE GOD YOU BELIEVE IN IS NOT THE GOD OF THE BIBLE, THEREFORE THERE'S NO BASIS FOR THE GOD IN WHICH YOU BELIEVE RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, WITHOUT EVEN INVOKING SCIENCE.

Crossing the Sea

¹⁷ When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." ¹⁸ So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea. ^[a] The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle.

"If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.": not if that's against your will, you know. You're God after all. "The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle. ": so why not go to war then? You have a single army of 600 000 men walking together, armed and ready for battle.

¹⁹ Moses took the bones of Joseph with him because Joseph had made the sons of Israel swear an oath. He had said, "God will surely come to your aid, and then you must carry my bones up with you from this place." ^[b]

Well, I've got to say, that's quite a lot of effort, but still nice. How many years ago did Joseph die? A couple hundred years I guess. I just wonder why nobody got out of Egypt to bury Joseph in the proper place before that. There was a time when people weren't even slaves long before Moses. And once the famine ended, the Hebrew people certainly could have gotten out, at least to bury Joseph.

²⁰ After leaving Succoth they camped at Etham on the edge of the desert. ²¹ By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. ²² Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.

Sometimes, I'm led to believe that God is nothing else than what people named certain natural phenomenon that seemed too hard to explain without science at the time. Clouds, volcanoes, lightning, rain, etc..

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 13:18 Hebrew Yam Suph; that is, Sea of Reeds
b. Exodus 13:19 See Gen. 50:25.