An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 14

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 14

¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, ² "Tell the Israelites to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. They are to encamp by the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon. ³ Pharaoh will think, 'The Israelites are wandering around the land in confusion, hemmed in by the desert.' ⁴ And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD." So the Israelites did this.

What the fuck? I don't even know how to comment this anymore. There's just been no reason for the LORD to harden Pharaoh's heart for a long time, some could even argue from the very beginning, but now what is he looking for? The fucking Hebrew people are fucking out of Egypt now.

⁵ When the king of Egypt was told that the people had fled, Pharaoh and his officials changed their minds about them and said, "What have we done? We have let the Israelites go and have lost their services!" ⁶ So he had his chariot made ready and took his army with him. ⁷ He took six hundred of the best chariots, along with all the other chariots of Egypt, with officers over all of them. ⁸ The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, so that he pursued the Israelites, who were marching out boldly. ⁹ The Egyptians—all Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen ^[a] and troops—pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea near Pi Hahiroth, opposite Baal Zephon.

It's a sad black comedy I tell you.

¹⁰ As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. ¹¹ They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? ¹² Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

OK, I don't like Pharaoh obviously because he was the one to propose slavery, even without that whole deal about the LORD hardening his heart. I don't like the LORD obviously because he enjoys making innocent people suffer and in a way he's practicing slavery with his own people. I have few opinions about Moses, but certainly nothing positive. And the Hebrew people, in this book (as in not in reality), are pictured as dumb fuckers who just don't know what they want. A real life version of a lost sheep.

¹³ Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Yeah, deliverance, but at what cost? Remember that the last time, the LORD killed all the firstborns in Egypt and for no reason, he asked of his people to kill the firstborn males so that their own firstborn sons would be redeemed. What's it going to be this time?

¹⁵ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. ¹⁶ Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. ¹⁷ I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. ¹⁸ The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen."

That's it, I think I understand. Another way to interpret this, with the rest of the book of Exodus so far, is to say that God enjoyed punishing guilty and innocent people just to prove that he could and to make his existence known to all Egyptians so that they would fear him. The Perfect Being everyone! (And for some reason, he's never happy. I repeat, the Perfect Being everyone!)

¹⁹ Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel's army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, ²⁰ coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long.

At least God made his presence known at the time. I still can't believe people today can't realize that in the Bible, they don't just say God exists. God is there right near his people and he does stuff. Moses has no faith, he sees and talks with God. I'm not saying God existed at the time, I'm saying if he existed, we would still see that.

²¹ Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, ²² and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

It makes for a great movie, I'll say that.

²³ The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. ²⁴ During the last watch of the night the LORD looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion. ²⁵ He made the wheels of their chariots come off ^[b] so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, "Let's get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt."

"The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea.": yes, the same horses that were killed in the fifth plague I assume. "And the Egyptians said, 'Let's get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt.'": took you quite a long time to figure that out. One would assume that God smiting you with 10 plagues would be enough to understand that the LORD is pissed off.

²⁶ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen." ²⁷ Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward ^[c] it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. ²⁸ The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen—the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived.

Christians, not fundamentalists, but somewhat light rational Christians, this infinitely great killer is what you supposedly believe in. How do you feel about that? I know you don't believe this, but I'm sorry to say once again that you don't believe in the same God that is described in the Bible, so on what are your beliefs based? (Christianity, if you understand how it works, is not supposed to exist without the Bible, without a "holy" book.)

²⁹ But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. ³⁰ That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. ³¹ And when the Israelites saw the great power the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

"That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore.": of course, they were already saved long before that if the LORD hadn't hardened Pharaoh's heart so much. "And when the Israelites saw the great power the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.": that's like putting your trust in a dictator because you fear him. Of course, to save my life I would probably obey a dictator's orders to some limits, but I wouldn't worship and love the guy for real; in fact I would hate him as much as you can hate someone.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 14:9 Or charioteers ; also in verses 17, 18, 23, 26 and 28
b. Exodus 14:25 Or He jammed the wheels of their chariots (see Samaritan Pentateuch, Septuagint and Syriac)
c. Exodus 14:27 Or from