An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 12

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 12

The Passover

¹ The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, ² "This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. ³ Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb ^[a] for his family, one for each household. ⁴ If any household is too small for a whole lamb, they must share one with their nearest neighbor, having taken into account the number of people there are. You are to determine the amount of lamb needed in accordance with what each person will eat. ⁵ The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. ⁶ Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the people of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight. ⁷ Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs. ⁸ That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast. ⁹ Do not eat the meat raw or cooked in water, but roast it over the fire—head, legs and inner parts. ¹⁰ Do not leave any of it till morning; if some is left till morning, you must burn it. ¹¹ This is how you are to eat it: with your cloak tucked into your belt, your sandals on your feet and your staff in your hand. Eat it in haste; it is the LORD's Passover.

Damn, Passover sucks! But most importantly, why? OK, to be fair there's a dumb explanation coming right up, but I'm glad Jewish people don't celebrate Passover that way in the modern world (at least I hope none of them do).

¹² "On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn—both men and animals—and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. ¹³ The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt.

"[...]and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt.": do these gods exist? Who are they? Where did they come from assuming that everybody emerged from Adam and Eve who themselves knew only one God? "The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt. ": see, I told you that was a dumb explanation. Wouldn't God know his people from the Egyptians without blood? After all, he's God. He knew the difference between the Hebrews and the Egyptians with the previous plagues anyway.

¹⁴ "This is a day you are to commemorate; for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the LORD -a lasting ordinance. ¹⁵ For seven days you are to eat bread made without yeast. On the first day remove the yeast from your houses, for whoever eats anything with yeast in it from the first day through the seventh must be cut off from Israel. ¹⁶ On the first day hold a sacred assembly, and another one on the seventh day. Do no work at all on these days, except to prepare food for everyone to eat—that is all you may do.

We're back to the most basic question: WHY? And I don't see Christians practicing Passover, generally speaking. Let me quote this book: "This is a day you are to commemorate; for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the LORD -a lasting ordinance."

¹⁷ "Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread, because it was on this very day that I brought your divisions out of Egypt. Celebrate this day as a lasting ordinance for the generations to come. ¹⁸ In the first month you are to eat bread made without yeast, from the evening of the fourteenth day until the evening of the twenty-first day. ¹⁹ For seven days no yeast is to be found in your houses. And whoever eats anything with yeast in it must be cut off from the community of Israel, whether he is an alien or native-born. ²⁰ Eat nothing made with yeast. Wherever you live, you must eat unleavened bread."

OK, I think we get it. Yeast is fucking bad. It's all tradition, to remember a time when the Israelites had to make haste in preparing their food during the night, before leaving Egypt, but couldn't they prepare the bread with yeast in advance? Anyway, tradition serves no purpose if you can't find a good reason to pursue it. I have nothing against the "don't work" rule, it's good for everybody to relax once in a while, but the "no yeast" rule won't serve anybody.

²¹ Then Moses summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, "Go at once and select the animals for your families and slaughter the Passover lamb. ²² Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it into the blood in the basin and put some of the blood on the top and on both sides of the doorframe. Not one of you shall go out the door of his house until morning. ²³ When the LORD goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down.

The destroyer, is that a supervillain?

²⁴ "Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. ²⁵ When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. ²⁶ And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' ²⁷ then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' " Then the people bowed down and worshiped. ²⁸ The Israelites did just what the LORD commanded Moses and Aaron.

But it's very hard to celebrate a holiday with no reason when all you have to say is: "Well, the grandfather of the father of the grandfather of the grandfather of the father of the grandfather of [...] my father was freed from Egypt that way, so that's what it means to me." That would be impossible first, because except for what's written in the Bible that you have to accept under faith, nobody could look at his ancestors and find a point where that could apply. And secondly, when we're talking about something that happened so long ago (if it happened at all), to people you never knew, it wouldn't mean anything to you.

²⁹ At midnight the LORD struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. ³⁰ Pharaoh and all his officials and all the Egyptians got up during the night, and there was loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead.

So all houses in Egypt with no exception have a firstborn in them? I'm kind of surprise that there are livestocks (well not really, but that just makes no sense according to the Bible itself). Everyone currently living in my home is not a firstborn, it's not that rare for a house to not contain a firstborn; it happens.

The Exodus

³¹ During the night Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Up! Leave my people, you and the Israelites! Go, worship the LORD as you have requested. ³² Take your flocks and herds, as you have said, and go. And also bless me."

Do you know why Pharaoh is letting them go? Not because he just learned his lesson from having his firstborn killed, but because God is no longer hardening his heart magically. All God wanted to do was enough time to show a couple of his magic tricks at the expense of real lives.

³³ The Egyptians urged the people to hurry and leave the country. "For otherwise," they said, "we will all die!" ³⁴ So the people took their dough before the yeast was added, and carried it on their shoulders in kneading troughs wrapped in clothing. ³⁵ The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold and for clothing. ³⁶ The LORD had made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people, and they gave them what they asked for; so they plundered the Egyptians.

You're not plundering if they're giving you was you asked for willingly (or at least as willingly as the LORD permits them to). So if I understand correctly, the LORD manipulates people to be able to punish them several times and then he manipulates them one last time so that they can get things of value stolen by their enemies.

³⁷ The Israelites journeyed from Rameses to Succoth. There were about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children. ³⁸ Many other people went up with them, as well as large droves of livestock, both flocks and herds. ³⁹ With the dough they had brought from Egypt, they baked cakes of unleavened bread. The dough was without yeast because they had been driven out of Egypt and did not have time to prepare food for themselves.

"There were about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children.": that's not a small number folks. I don't know how many generations have passed, but it couldn't have been that many. Considering that they started with a population of about 70 and that they're now 600 000 people if we only count men, I don't see how that's possible; especially if we also consider that women don't always have that many children in this book, unlike our grandmothers who might have had 20 children of their own. And such a large group going out of Egypt at the same time would practically be impossible to control. Even more interesting is the fact that Egyptians were known to keep records of events and people going in and out of their country at the time, especially if it was such a large group and such a significant event. No Egyptian records contain any reference backing up any of the stories of Exodus. "The dough was without yeast because they had been driven out of Egypt and did not have time to prepare food for themselves.": yeah, it's not like anybody knew in advance that would happen. Oh wait...

⁴⁰ Now the length of time the Israelite people lived in Egypt ^[b] was 430 years. ⁴¹ At the end of the 430 years, to the very day, all the LORD's divisions left Egypt. ⁴² Because the LORD kept vigil that night to bring them out of Egypt, on this night all the Israelites are to keep vigil to honor the LORD for the generations to come.

"Now the length of time the Israelite people lived in Egypt was 430 years.": not if you read Genesis 15! It was supposed to be 400 years according to the prophecy in that book, but I'm willing to accept that it might have been just a quicker way to say it, rather than saying directly 430 years. But now this raises an important question. Let's say that the true number of years they stayed in Egypt was 430 years, in order to give them the most time possible, would you believe that the population went from 70 to 600 000? You have to if you believe the book.

Passover Restrictions

⁴³ The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "These are the regulations for the Passover:
"No foreigner is to eat of it. ⁴⁴ Any slave you have bought may eat of it after you have circumcised him, ⁴⁵ but a temporary resident and a hired worker may not eat of it.

Once again, the LORD showing that he only cares about one people, unlike what people will say. Once again the LORD not speaking against slavery, even acknowledging it, unlike what people will say. Once again, the LORD making a huge deal out of circumcision, which I can only guess most believers wouldn't think is that important (even if they'd probably prefer to be circumcised just in case).

⁴⁶ "It must be eaten inside one house; take none of the meat outside the house. Do not break any of the bones. ⁴⁷ The whole community of Israel must celebrate it.

The Bible is more about restrictions and removing your freedom than giving you freedom from what I see.

⁴⁸ "An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the LORD's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised; then he may take part like one born in the land. No uncircumcised male may eat of it. ⁴⁹ The same law applies to the native-born and to the alien living among you."

If you have dinner for me, but tell me that I must cut off my foreskin before eating any of it, I think I'd pass over. (Ha ha, clever joke! Not!)

⁵⁰ All the Israelites did just what the LORD had commanded Moses and Aaron. ⁵¹ And on that very day the LORD brought the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions.

At least, the LORD has done something good (freeing people from slavery, even though they themselves can buy slaves), even if he did it in the most evil way possible.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 12:3 The Hebrew word can mean lamb or kid ; also in verse 4.
b. Exodus 12:40 Masoretic Text; Samaritan Pentateuch and Septuagint Egypt and Canaan