Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.
New International Version
Genesis 46
Jacob Goes to Egypt
1 So Israel set out with all that was his, and when he reached Beersheba, he offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac.
Of course...2 And God spoke to Israel in a vision at night and said, "Jacob! Jacob!"
"Here I am," he replied.
How come he's the only guy whose name is not set in stone once there has been a name change? And of course, once again God appears very late (or in a dream).3 "I am God, the God of your father," he said. "Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you into a great nation there. 4 I will go down to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again. And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes."
"And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes.": that's... comforting?5 Then Jacob left Beersheba, and Israel's sons took their father Jacob and their children and their wives in the carts that Pharaoh had sent to transport him. 6 They also took with them their livestock and the possessions they had acquired in Canaan, and Jacob and all his offspring went to Egypt. 7 He took with him to Egypt his sons and grandsons and his daughters and granddaughters—all his offspring.
I wonder how well a bunch of Hebrews will blend in Egypt considering that eating along with them is detestable. (You've got to wonder how Joseph was accepted as a leader there, even if the LORD is with him.)8 These are the names of the sons of Israel (Jacob and his descendants) who went to Egypt:
Reuben the firstborn of Jacob.
Here we go.9 The sons of Reuben:
Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron and Carmi.
So it would seem Reuben had the time to get his wife pregnant twice (unless she had twins) between the first time they came back from Egypt and now. Not only pregnant, but she had the time to deliver two entirely new sons to him. I say that because the first time, Reuben said to his father that BOTH of his sons could be killed if he didn't bring Benjamin back to safety, yet we learn that he has 4 sons now.10 The sons of Simeon:
Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jakin, Zohar and Shaul the son of a Canaanite woman.
Saying that one of them is the son of a Canaanite woman is like a pure American saying: my sons are Brad, William and Raj, the son of an Indian woman. Does it look racist to you?11 The sons of Levi:
Gershon, Kohath and Merari.
What a coincidence! Gershon is the name of the man who composed a song I really like, Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley.12 The sons of Judah:
Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez and Zerah (but Er and Onan had died in the land of Canaan).
The sons of Perez:
Hezron and Hamul.
"Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez and Zerah (but Er and Onan had died in the land of Canaan).": yeah it was quite funny, yet uncalled for.13 The sons of Issachar:
Tola, Puah, [a] Jashub [b] and Shimron.
Hahaha, Puah is just like an interjection we use in French (I'm not quite sure if you use it in English) when something doesn't taste good or smells bad.14 The sons of Zebulun:
Sered, Elon and Jahleel.
Don't talk me about any man called something close to Zebulun or Anah ever again...15 These were the sons Leah bore to Jacob in Paddan Aram, [c] besides his daughter Dinah. These sons and daughters of his were thirty-three in all.
Well technically the sons of his sons are not directly his, they're his grandsons. But this number, 33, which is accurate if you count all these names (except those that are dead), means that the problem is not just that they don't mention the daughters being born. There literally are more than 10 times as many men born as women (only 1 out 33 people were females in this case). It's hard to believe that the man is so unlucky as to only get boys with a high number of children such as 33, especially with our real world statistics which give less than twice as many boys as girls being born each year.16 The sons of Gad:
Zephon, [d] Haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi and Areli.
Oh how glad I am that Gad was born! Also known as the lamest joke I ever did...17 The sons of Asher:
Imnah, Ishvah, Ishvi and Beriah.
Their sister was Serah.
The sons of Beriah:
Heber and Malkiel.
I know there are not so many girls born, but they could just say "The children of ...:" instead of "The sons of ...:". No, let me retract my comment. I was just thinking that there had been a man named Anah and a woman named Anah earlier, so it would be more confusing actually.18 These were the children born to Jacob by Zilpah, whom Laban had given to his daughter Leah—sixteen in all.
I mentioned this in some chapter, but it seems strange to me that the women in this book actually don't produce as many children as our grandmothers did (well some of them anyway). I'm not saying they should, but considering that God wants everybody to be fruitful and multiply and considering that they had very limited means of contraception at the time, I'd assume that a single woman would be able and likely to produce 16 children on her own, not only through her children's children.19 The sons of Jacob's wife Rachel:
Joseph and Benjamin. 20 In Egypt, Manasseh and Ephraim were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. [e]
It does make sense that Joseph could have two children unlike his brother Reuben. He married his wife Asenath when the 7 years of abundance began and we know that at least 2 years of famine have already passed at this point.21 The sons of Benjamin:
Bela, Beker, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim and Ard.
Goddamn! Benjamin was supposed to be young, like I pictured him as a child. Even if 2 years had passed since then, you want me to believe that he had 10 children all of a sudden? The only way that could happen is if he was on the edge of puberty and to get that many children in such a short lapse of time would require many wives/concubines and/or many twins (or triplets or more).22 These were the sons of Rachel who were born to Jacob—fourteen in all.
14 only because Benjamin is the most virile child I ever heard of.23 The son of Dan:
Hushim.
Dan sucks!24 The sons of Naphtali:
Jahziel, Guni, Jezer and Shillem.
In fact, not only is Benjamin a father at such a young age, but he's the most prolific father of them all not that we know of all the children that were produced by Jacob's sons.25 These were the sons born to Jacob by Bilhah, whom Laban had given to his daughter Rachel—seven in all.
Yeah, Rachel might have been the woman Jacob liked most, but she was not a good deal in retrospect. Even her slave is less capable than Leah's. (Well, they both produce only two direct sons to Jacob, but Leah's slave's sons produce more children.)26 All those who went to Egypt with Jacob—those who were his direct descendants, not counting his sons' wives—numbered sixty-six persons. 27 With the two sons [f] who had been born to Joseph in Egypt, the members of Jacob's family, which went to Egypt, were seventy [g] in all.
Women suck so much in this book that they don't want to bother informing you about them, it's quite funny actually, but also sad... (Maybe the book itself was ashamed of mentioning how many wives everyone had.) If you go one step beyond and actually count the descendants of Jacob, you'll see that removing Joseph and his two sons gives you 67 descendants, not 66. Don't count this as a mistake though, because they precise that 66 is the number of descendants who go to Egypt with Jacob and according to the next verse we have to remove Judah from this count who goes to Egypt before the rest of the group.28 Now Jacob sent Judah ahead of him to Joseph to get directions to Goshen. When they arrived in the region of Goshen, 29 Joseph had his chariot made ready and went to Goshen to meet his father Israel. As soon as Joseph appeared before him, he threw his arms around his father [h] and wept for a long time.
That's a pretty natural reaction. Sometimes the Bible is realistic and depicts human behavior in a normal way.30 Israel said to Joseph, "Now I am ready to die, since I have seen for myself that you are still alive."
Spending some time with him would still be nice you know?31 Then Joseph said to his brothers and to his father's household, "I will go up and speak to Pharaoh and will say to him, 'My brothers and my father's household, who were living in the land of Canaan, have come to me. 32 The men are shepherds; they tend livestock, and they have brought along their flocks and herds and everything they own.' 33 When Pharaoh calls you in and asks, 'What is your occupation?' 34 you should answer, 'Your servants have tended livestock from our boyhood on, just as our fathers did.' Then you will be allowed to settle in the region of Goshen, for all shepherds are detestable to the Egyptians."
Man, the Egyptians are all about hate. They're beginning to look like God. So if I understand correctly, Joseph is asking them to lie. So reading the Bible, I've reached the conclusion that it recognizes that there are some situations where lying is good. For instance people lie all the time in this!Footnotes:
a. Genesis 46:13 Samaritan Pentateuch and Syriac (see also 1 Chron. 7:1 Masoretic Text Puvah
b. Genesis 46:13 Samaritan Pentateuch and some Septuagint manuscripts (see also Num. 26:24 and 1 Chron. 7:1 Masoretic Text Iob
c. Genesis 46:15 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
d. Genesis 46:16 Samaritan Pentateuch and Septuagint (see also Num.26:15 Masoretic Text Ziphion
e. Genesis 46:20 That is, Heliopolis
f. Genesis 46:27 Hebrew; Septuagint the nine children
g. Genesis 46:27 Hebrew (see also Exodus 1:5 and footnote Septuagint (see also Acts 7:14) seventy-five
h. Genesis 46:29 Hebrew around him
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