An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 47

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 47

¹ Joseph went and told Pharaoh, "My father and brothers, with their flocks and herds and everything they own, have come from the land of Canaan and are now in Goshen." ² He chose five of his brothers and presented them before Pharaoh.

And here I thought Pharaoh would like to know all of his people, not only 5 of them, but this is a minor complaint only.

³ Pharaoh asked the brothers, "What is your occupation?"
"Your servants are shepherds," they replied to Pharaoh, "just as our fathers were." ⁴ They also said to him, "We have come to live here awhile, because the famine is severe in Canaan and your servants' flocks have no pasture. So now, please let your servants settle in Goshen."

All seems to go according to plan so far. I was sure that there would be a dumb brother who would fail to lie correctly.

⁵ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Your father and your brothers have come to you, ⁶ and the land of Egypt is before you; settle your father and your brothers in the best part of the land. Let them live in Goshen. And if you know of any among them with special ability, put them in charge of my own livestock."

Yeah actually, wouldn't that be better to be Pharaoh's own personal shepherd? (I guess Egyptians find shepherds detestable, but still need them.)

⁷ Then Joseph brought his father Jacob in and presented him before Pharaoh. After Jacob blessed ^[a] Pharaoh, ⁸ Pharaoh asked him, "How old are you?"

All I can say is much older than believable.

⁹ And Jacob said to Pharaoh, "The years of my pilgrimage are a hundred and thirty. My years have been few and difficult, and they do not equal the years of the pilgrimage of my fathers." ¹⁰ Then Jacob blessed ^[b] Pharaoh and went out from his presence.

Am I getting some acknowledgement from Jacob himself that he doesn't live as old as his ancestors? Cool! Now here's an interesting fact. According to the footnotes, "blessed" could be interpreted as "said farewell too" here. I'm beginning to think this "blessed" shit doesn't mean much more than that actually. It finally all makes sense to me (not the Bible though).

¹¹ So Joseph settled his father and his brothers in Egypt and gave them property in the best part of the land, the district of Rameses, as Pharaoh directed. ¹² Joseph also provided his father and his brothers and all his father's household with food, according to the number of their children.

I'm still surprised that Pharaoh has been so generous to Hebrews, even letting one of them have nearly as much authority (or more) than him. It doesn't seem likely that's all, God or not.

Joseph and the Famine

¹³ There was no food, however, in the whole region because the famine was severe; both Egypt and Canaan wasted away because of the famine. ¹⁴ Joseph collected all the money that was to be found in Egypt and Canaan in payment for the grain they were buying, and he brought it to Pharaoh's palace. ¹⁵ When the money of the people of Egypt and Canaan was gone, all Egypt came to Joseph and said, "Give us food. Why should we die before your eyes? Our money is used up."

I guess even when the LORD is behind your administration, there could still be some flaws.

¹⁶ "Then bring your livestock," said Joseph. "I will sell you food in exchange for your livestock, since your money is gone." ¹⁷ So they brought their livestock to Joseph, and he gave them food in exchange for their horses, their sheep and goats, their cattle and donkeys. And he brought them through that year with food in exchange for all their livestock.

Anyway, the famine was a dumb uncalled for idea in the first place. How did God think the people would live through that?

¹⁸ When that year was over, they came to him the following year and said, "We cannot hide from our lord the fact that since our money is gone and our livestock belongs to you, there is nothing left for our lord except our bodies and our land. ¹⁹ Why should we perish before your eyes—we and our land as well? Buy us and our land in exchange for food, and we with our land will be in bondage to Pharaoh. Give us seed so that we may live and not die, and that the land may not become desolate."

Oh my God! This whole famine thing is beginning to look like a huge plan to make everyone a slave to Joseph or Pharaoh at least. That's just evil.

²⁰ So Joseph bought all the land in Egypt for Pharaoh. The Egyptians, one and all, sold their fields, because the famine was too severe for them. The land became Pharaoh's, ²¹ and Joseph reduced the people to servitude, ^[c] from one end of Egypt to the other. ²² However, he did not buy the land of the priests, because they received a regular allotment from Pharaoh and had food enough from the allotment Pharaoh gave them. That is why they did not sell their land.

Of course, how could one live through this crisis without priests. Actually...

²³ Joseph said to the people, "Now that I have bought you and your land today for Pharaoh, here is seed for you so you can plant the ground. ²⁴ But when the crop comes in, give a fifth of it to Pharaoh. The other four-fifths you may keep as seed for the fields and as food for yourselves and your households and your children."

Well OK, it doesn't seem too bad right now. In fact, it looks like how our governments work (except that maybe they'll get no benefits from giving this to Pharaoh while we get some public services).

²⁵ "You have saved our lives," they said. "May we find favor in the eyes of our lord; we will be in bondage to Pharaoh."

The less bondage there is, the better OK?

²⁶ So Joseph established it as a law concerning land in Egypt—still in force today—that a fifth of the produce belongs to Pharaoh. It was only the land of the priests that did not become Pharaoh's.

Except of course for the fact that there are no pharaohs anymore. The Bible describes these things and laws that don't apply anymore, which is normal for a book that old; so my question is: why are you people trying to say that this book, evil book I would add, should still dictate our ways of life?

²⁷ Now the Israelites settled in Egypt in the region of Goshen. They acquired property there and were fruitful and increased greatly in number.

But they're bonded to Pharaoh too I guess. That would be the downside.

²⁸ Jacob lived in Egypt seventeen years, and the years of his life were a hundred and forty-seven. ²⁹ When the time drew near for Israel to die, he called for his son Joseph and said to him, "If I have found favor in your eyes, put your hand under my thigh and promise that you will show me kindness and faithfulness. Do not bury me in Egypt, ³⁰ but when I rest with my fathers, carry me out of Egypt and bury me where they are buried."
"I will do as you say," he said.

"Jacob lived in Egypt seventeen years, and the years of his life were a hundred and forty-seven.": but God promised that he would get Jacob out of Egypt eventually. I guess it's not a lie when you just omit some information, such as you'll get out of Egypt, but you'll be dead. "If I have found favor in your eyes, put your hand under my thigh and promise that you will show me kindness and faithfulness." oh I did not want to hear that. I hope I never get to touch my father's testicles!

³¹ "Swear to me," he said. Then Joseph swore to him, and Israel worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. ^[d]

Israel worships the God who couldn't keep his promise before dying, that's quite something. Well actually for some reason the book introduces this passage as if he was dying in the next few verses, but I believe he still has some shit to do for a chapter or more.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 47:7 Or greeted
b. Genesis 47:10 Or said farewell to
c. Genesis 47:21 Samaritan Pentateuch and Septuagint (see also Vulgate Masoretic Text and he moved the people into the cities
d. Genesis 47:31 Or Israel bowed down at the head of his bed