An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 48

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 48

Manasseh and Ephraim

¹ Some time later Joseph was told, "Your father is ill." So he took his two sons Manasseh and Ephraim along with him. ² When Jacob was told, "Your son Joseph has come to you," Israel rallied his strength and sat up on the bed.

He's called Jacob and Israel in the same fucking sentence.

³ Jacob said to Joseph, "God Almighty ^[a] appeared to me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and there he blessed me ⁴ and said to me, 'I am going to make you fruitful and will increase your numbers. I will make you a community of peoples, and I will give this land as an everlasting possession to your descendants after you.'

I don't see why God has more reason to keep this promise than any other (and in fact he won't).

⁵ "Now then, your two sons born to you in Egypt before I came to you here will be reckoned as mine; Ephraim and Manasseh will be mine, just as Reuben and Simeon are mine. ⁶ Any children born to you after them will be yours; in the territory they inherit they will be reckoned under the names of their brothers. ⁷ As I was returning from Paddan, ^[b] to my sorrow Rachel died in the land of Canaan while we were still on the way, a little distance from Ephrath. So I buried her there beside the road to Ephrath" (that is, Bethlehem).

The flow of his speech is not quite so natural.

⁸ When Israel saw the sons of Joseph, he asked, "Who are these?"

Don't tell me Joseph had never shown his sons to his father in all those years?

⁹ "They are the sons God has given me here," Joseph said to his father.
Then Israel said, "Bring them to me so I may bless them."

Jacob knows quite a bit about blessing. In fact, he stole his brother Esau's blessing. Hey, now that I think about it, what happened to the guy? I always understood that he's kill Israel or something. Of course, that was not God's words directly, but Isaac's and the man was chosen by God, so I guess that counts.

¹⁰ Now Israel's eyes were failing because of old age, and he could hardly see. So Joseph brought his sons close to him, and his father kissed them and embraced them.

I hope I'm not getting ready for another repetition of "old guy that can see nothing blesses the wrong guy".

¹¹ Israel said to Joseph, "I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too."

Man, he's really speaking as if it was not a long time since his arrival in this region. He's been there for years and has seen Joseph's face years ago, but never his grandsons?

¹² Then Joseph removed them from Israel's knees and bowed down with his face to the ground. ¹³ And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel's left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel's right hand, and brought them close to him. ¹⁴ But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim's head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh's head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

I'm sorry, but we don't have these customs anymore. Is there some meaning to how you're supposed to hold them, with a particular hand, according to their age? Is that passage even supposed to be important?

¹⁵ Then he blessed Joseph and said,
"May the God before whom my fathers
Abraham and Isaac walked,
the God who has been my shepherd
all my life to this day,

The God with whom I wrestled, the God who has lied many times.

¹⁶ the Angel who has delivered me from all harm
—may he bless these boys.
May they be called by my name
and the names of my fathers Abraham and Isaac,
and may they increase greatly
upon the earth."

Well you can't force him, promise or not. If he has time, he'll think about it maybe.

¹⁷ When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head. ¹⁸ Joseph said to him, "No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head."

Oh great, maybe now they'll explain what that fucking means.

¹⁹ But his father refused and said, "I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations." ²⁰ He blessed them that day and said,
"In your ^[c] name will Israel pronounce this blessing:
'May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.' "
So he put Ephraim ahead of Manasseh.

From what I understand, I think he's blessing one more than the other, but I might be wrong. What a strange thing to do.

²¹ Then Israel said to Joseph, "I am about to die, but God will be with you ^[d] and take you ^[e] back to the land of your ^[f] fathers. ²² And to you, as one who is over your brothers, I give the ridge of land ^[g] I took from the Amorites with my sword and my bow."

May he die soon enough. (How many chapter can an ill old man live through?) I really don't understand how the man can trust God to keep his promise for others when he didn't keep his direct promise to him.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 48:3 Hebrew El-Shaddai
b. Genesis 48:7 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
c. Genesis 48:20 The Hebrew is singular.
d. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
e. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
f. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
g. Genesis 48:22 Or And to you I give one portion more than to your brothers-the portion