An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 49

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 49

Jacob Blesses His Sons

¹ Then Jacob called for his sons and said: "Gather around so I can tell you what will happen to you in days to come.

Isn't life boring when you know what's going to happen?

² "Assemble and listen, sons of Jacob;
listen to your father Israel.

Or Jacob; I'm not quite decided on what my final dying name will be yet.

³ "Reuben, you are my firstborn,
my might, the first sign of my strength,
excelling in honor, excelling in power.

He is?

⁴ Turbulent as the waters, you will no longer excel,
for you went up onto your father's bed,
onto my couch and defiled it.

Oh yeah that's true, he was the guy who slept with his father's concubine. So his punition had to wait all these years and it is that he shall no longer "excel"? Big deal!

⁵ "Simeon and Levi are brothers—
their swords ^[a] are weapons of violence.

Swords are rarely anything else you know.

⁶ Let me not enter their council,
let me not join their assembly,
for they have killed men in their anger
and hamstrung oxen as they pleased.

I'd guess that killing men is a worse offense than the fact that they hamstrung oxen. God's punition earlier for shedding blood was supposed to be that your blood would be shed too. The punition here: I don't know, they're like not approved of by their father or some shit like that. Big deal!

⁷ Cursed be their anger, so fierce,
and their fury, so cruel!
I will scatter them in Jacob
and disperse them in Israel.

WTF does that mean? Scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel? Both of his names are already fucked up enough as it is, I'm not touching that territory again.

⁸ "Judah, ^[b] your brothers will praise you;
your hand will be on the neck of your enemies;
your father's sons will bow down to you.

OK, but why?

⁹ You are a lion's cub, O Judah;
you return from the prey, my son.
Like a lion he crouches and lies down,
like a lioness—who dares to rouse him?

Man, that's... weird...

¹⁰ The scepter will not depart from Judah,
nor the ruler's staff from between his feet,
until he comes to whom it belongs ^[c]
and the obedience of the nations is his.

So Judah is the rightful king until the true king of the Hebrews comes. Now who would that be? Jesus? We'll have to wait to find out.

¹¹ He will tether his donkey to a vine,
his colt to the choicest branch;
he will wash his garments in wine,
his robes in the blood of grapes.

Washing your clothes in wine? Now is that talking about Judah or the rightful heir to the throne (potentially Jesus)? Whoever it is, the guy must be drunk all day.

¹² His eyes will be darker than wine,
his teeth whiter than milk. ^[d]

Sounds scary actually. I'm going to steal a single line from the Skeptic's Annotated Bible; I hope they don't mind too much: "Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much?"

¹³ "Zebulun will live by the seashore
and become a haven for ships;
his border will extend toward Sidon.

Zebulun becomes a haven for ships? I hope I never become an object or place myself, I'm already big enough.

¹⁴ "Issachar is a rawboned ^[e] donkey
lying down between two saddlebags. ^[f]

Hey, watch your language! That's not how one speaks of his sons.

¹⁵ When he sees how good is his resting place
and how pleasant is his land,
he will bend his shoulder to the burden
and submit to forced labor.

Oh he was dumb then!

¹⁶ "Dan ^[g] will provide justice for his people
as one of the tribes of Israel.

What is he? Some kind of police officer or something?

¹⁷ Dan will be a serpent by the roadside,
a viper along the path,
that bites the horse's heels
so that its rider tumbles backward.

And is there a reason why we're describing what is a good guy, I think, with such words?

¹⁸ "I look for your deliverance, O LORD.

Just kill him already. I liked him better when he was young. He was quite the jerk, but at least he was not weak and boring.

¹⁹ "Gad ^[h] will be attacked by a band of raiders,
but he will attack them at their heels.

Hey we need more details. Like when is the attack? But seriously, it's kind of sad isn't it? Gad's life is summed up by knowing that he will be attacked and he will strike back, the end.

²⁰ "Asher's food will be rich;
he will provide delicacies fit for a king.

I myself can't cook to save my own life. I'm not being funny or speaking in a character's place, I mean really I'm not able to cook anything. I hope that's not what defines my life though.

²¹ "Naphtali is a doe set free
that bears beautiful fawns. ^[i]

So he'll be some kind of poet then?

²² "Joseph is a fruitful vine,
a fruitful vine near a spring,
whose branches climb over a wall. ^[j]

Literally, the guy's a fruit!

²³ With bitterness archers attacked him;
they shot at him with hostility.

Say, Jacob never learned how Joseph survived, did he?

²⁴ But his bow remained steady,
his strong arms stayed ^[k] limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,

How can so many words mean close to nothing?

²⁵ because of your father's God, who helps you,
because of the Almighty, ^[l] who blesses you
with blessings of the heavens above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the breast and womb.

Blessings all around, just finish your speech already.

²⁶ Your father's blessings are greater
than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
than ^[m] the bounty of the age-old hills.
Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
on the brow of the prince among ^[n] his brothers.

You're putting quite a lot of responsibility in the hands of the guy. He might crack under pressure.

²⁷ "Benjamin is a ravenous wolf;
in the morning he devours the prey,
in the evening he divides the plunder."

So he's... good? I'm not seeing everything in black and white, like the good guy on this side and bad guy on this side, that's exactly the kind of moral I'm against. I just want to honestly know what the Bible means when it talks about someone like that. Are these good qualities to have?

²⁸ All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said to them when he blessed them, giving each the blessing appropriate to him.

My question is: how does he make these choices? Like how do you decide that one of them becomes a good cook? This might not shock anyone, but I don't believe in destiny. I believe that the events surrounding your birth and how you develop inside the womb are random, that natural catastrophes are sometimes unpredictable, but that only your reactions to whatever random thing that happens are already determined by how you developed. So I guess maybe my perspective of things is not completely incompatible with destiny, except for the random nature of things surrounding you, which is why I don't think what I described is predictable and it certainly isn't written anywhere.

The Death of Jacob

²⁹ Then he gave them these instructions: "I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, ³⁰ the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite, along with the field. ³¹ There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. ³² The field and the cave in it were bought from the Hittites. ^[o] "

You know, from a few occurrences in these chapters so far, it doesn't seem like people think they go to heaven with God when they die. It just seems like they're satisfied with being buried with their ancestors. It's more like how they will be remembered than how they'll continue their life after death. In a way, I respect that a bit more. It's healthier in my opinion.

³³ When Jacob had finished giving instructions to his sons, he drew his feet up into the bed, breathed his last and was gathered to his people.

He didn't seem like such an ill guy if he could speak all those words clearly, but that's just what I think...

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 49:5 The meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.
b. Genesis 49:8 Judah sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for praise .
c. Genesis 49:10 Or until Shiloh comes ; or until he comes to whom tribute belongs
d. Genesis 49:12 Or will be dull from wine, / his teeth white from milk
e. Genesis 49:14 Or strong
f. Genesis 49:14 Or campfires
g. Genesis 49:16 Dan here means he provides justice .
h. Genesis 49:19 Gad can mean attack and band of raiders .
i. Genesis 49:21 Or free; / he utters beautiful words
j. Genesis 49:22 Or Joseph is a wild colt, / a wild colt near a spring, / a wild donkey on a terraced hill
k. Genesis 49:24 Or archers will attack ? will shoot ? will remain ? will stay
l. Genesis 49:25 Hebrew Shaddai
m. Genesis 49:26 Or of my progenitors, / as great as
n. Genesis 49:26 Or the one separated from
o. Genesis 49:32 Or the sons of Heth