An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 50

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 50

¹ Joseph threw himself upon his father and wept over him and kissed him. ² Then Joseph directed the physicians in his service to embalm his father Israel. So the physicians embalmed him, ³ taking a full forty days, for that was the time required for embalming. And the Egyptians mourned for him seventy days.

Damn, people were slow in that time.

⁴ When the days of mourning had passed, Joseph said to Pharaoh's court, "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me. Tell him, ⁵ 'My father made me swear an oath and said, "I am about to die; bury me in the tomb I dug for myself in the land of Canaan." Now let me go up and bury my father; then I will return.' "

Man people have a hard time talking freely in this book. Do you always have to repeat yourself by saying things like: "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me."

⁶ Pharaoh said, "Go up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do."

Pharaoh being his generous self as usual.

⁷ So Joseph went up to bury his father. All Pharaoh's officials accompanied him—the dignitaries of his court and all the dignitaries of Egypt- ⁸ besides all the members of Joseph's household and his brothers and those belonging to his father's household. Only their children and their flocks and herds were left in Goshen. ⁹ Chariots and horsemen ^[a] also went up with him. It was a very large company.

Kind of weird considering that Egyptians find Hebrews detestable.

¹⁰ When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. ¹¹ When the Canaanites who lived there saw the mourning at the threshing floor of Atad, they said, "The Egyptians are holding a solemn ceremony of mourning." That is why that place near the Jordan is called Abel Mizraim. ^[b]

Return of the obsession with the number 7. Hasn't he already mourned already? His father must stink by now.

¹² So Jacob's sons did as he had commanded them: ¹³ They carried him to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre, which Abraham had bought as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite, along with the field. ¹⁴ After burying his father, Joseph returned to Egypt, together with his brothers and all the others who had gone with him to bury his father.

So everything has been pretty normal so far, about as normal as can be in the Bible.

Joseph Reassures His Brothers

¹⁵ When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" ¹⁶ So they sent word to Joseph, saying, "Your father left these instructions before he died: ¹⁷ 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

Did he look like a guy who would punish them anyway? And he's so gullible I can't believe it. I think we're back to the theme of criticizing believers, who also are gullible.

¹⁸ His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. "We are your slaves," they said.

Good old tradition of slavery continuing.

¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Yeah that's how messed up things are when you believe in this shit. When you believe that everything has a purpose attributed by God. I bet Christians would gladly nail Jesus to the cross if nobody had done it. Something is not a sin when God wills it. That's some pretty fucked up shit!

The Death of Joseph

²² Joseph stayed in Egypt, along with all his father's family. He lived a hundred and ten years ²³ and saw the third generation of Ephraim's children. Also the children of Makir son of Manasseh were placed at birth on Joseph's knees. ^[c]

Of course, another promise that God won't respect. Joseph was supposed to get out of Egypt, but he will die in Egypt it seems.

²⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, "I am about to die. But God will surely come to your aid and take you up out of this land to the land he promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." ²⁵ And Joseph made the sons of Israel swear an oath and said, "God will surely come to your aid, and then you must carry my bones up from this place."

Did they touch his testicles too? I always find it funny how people always believe that God will fulfill his promises with proof to the contrary.

²⁶ So Joseph died at the age of a hundred and ten. And after they embalmed him, he was placed in a coffin in Egypt.

Is he buried in Egypt then? If so, his brothers are douche for not respecting him, but what does he care anyway? He's dead! And THAT, was the end of Genesis. See you next in Exodus, which I hope will be less boring.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 50:9 Or charioteers
b. Genesis 50:11 Abel Mizraim means mourning of the Egyptians .
c. Genesis 50:23 That is, were counted as his