An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 45

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 45

Joseph Makes Himself Known

¹ Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, "Have everyone leave my presence!" So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. ² And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh's household heard about it.

One has to wonder just what was his plan from the beginning.

³ Joseph said to his brothers, "I am Joseph! Is my father still living?" But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.

You dumb fuck. Of course your father is still living, they just told you about him and how he was extremely worried.

⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! ⁵ And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. ⁶ For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. ⁷ But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. ^[a]

So selling him as a slave was necessary evil you would say. In our real world though, when a child is raped and murdered, it's very hard to think about necessary evil. Especially since God is not telling us what to do anymore (never has). You know what still isn't necessary evil, even in this book? The fucking famine!

⁸ "So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. ⁹ Now hurry back to my father and say to him, 'This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don't delay. ¹⁰ You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. ¹¹ I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.'

If he was basically the ruler of Egypt, I'm even more surprised his brothers hadn't heard of his name. So I don't know if that was the plan from the beginning or if Joseph changed his idea, but he should have just told the truth earlier.

¹² "You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that it is really I who am speaking to you. ¹³ Tell my father about all the honor accorded me in Egypt and about everything you have seen. And bring my father down here quickly."

This verse just begs the question: "Why didn't they recognize him earlier?"

¹⁴ Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. ¹⁵ And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him.

People are crying even more than in Spider-Man 2!

¹⁶ When the news reached Pharaoh's palace that Joseph's brothers had come, Pharaoh and all his officials were pleased. ¹⁷ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Tell your brothers, 'Do this: Load your animals and return to the land of Canaan, ¹⁸ and bring your father and your families back to me. I will give you the best of the land of Egypt and you can enjoy the fat of the land.'

Well, you see, Joseph had pretty much made this decision for you already.

¹⁹ "You are also directed to tell them, 'Do this: Take some carts from Egypt for your children and your wives, and get your father and come. ²⁰ Never mind about your belongings, because the best of all Egypt will be yours.' "

Oh, I thought Joseph wanted them to bring all they had. Oh well...

²¹ So the sons of Israel did this. Joseph gave them carts, as Pharaoh had commanded, and he also gave them provisions for their journey. ²² To each of them he gave new clothing, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred shekels ^[b] of silver and five sets of clothes. ²³ And this is what he sent to his father: ten donkeys loaded with the best things of Egypt, and ten female donkeys loaded with grain and bread and other provisions for his journey. ²⁴ Then he sent his brothers away, and as they were leaving he said to them, "Don't quarrel on the way!"

Pharaoh is really being nice with these people. He and his people can't be the reason why God decided to put the whole world under famine. We still don't know for sure why that happened. I know I'm not talking about the last paragraph itself much, but I'm tired to letting things like that pass by without thinking twice about them. In fact, it seems like these filler verses are here to make you forget about the important things which aren't explained in the book.

²⁵ So they went up out of Egypt and came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan. ²⁶ They told him, "Joseph is still alive! In fact, he is ruler of all Egypt." Jacob was stunned; he did not believe them. ²⁷ But when they told him everything Joseph had said to them, and when he saw the carts Joseph had sent to carry him back, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. ²⁸ And Israel said, "I'm convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die."

Say what you will, Israel/Jacob is convinced less easily than believers. He actually has to see stuff before making up his mind.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 45:7 Or save you as a great band of survivors
b. Genesis 45:22 That is, about 7 1/2 pounds (about 3.5 kilograms)