An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 25

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 25

Offerings for the Tabernacle

¹ The LORD said to Moses, ² “Tell the Israelites to bring me an offering. You are to receive the offering for me from everyone whose heart prompts them to give. ³ These are the offerings you are to receive from them: gold, silver and bronze; ⁴ blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen; goat hair; ⁵ ram skins dyed red and another type of durable leather^[a]; acacia wood; ⁶ olive oil for the light; spices for the anointing oil and for the fragrant incense; ⁷ and onyx stones and other gems to be mounted on the ephod and breastpiece.

"You are to receive the offering for me from everyone whose heart prompts them to give.": basically, receive offering from mere humans to give to the most powerful being ever to exist. Kinda like stealing from the poor to give to the rich, but only kinda. Again, just why would the most perfect powerful being who created these things would want them. We humans like gold because it's shiny and not around the corner of your house usually. We also have some uses for it, like for instance I have a dental crown with some gold in it; I think it's used for its solidity and resistance to bacteria or something like that. I AM NOT the LORD, for instance I exist.

⁸ “Then have them make a sanctuary for me, and I will dwell among them. ⁹ Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern I will show you.

I have to repeat every single time : God is supposed to be everywhere according to various claims by believers, so he's already dwelling among us if that's true with no need for any sanctuary. Furthermore, I know we like to have appropriate houses for our guests (he should just have made the earth in pure gold if he liked it that much), but that's a being who is perfect and as such shouldn't need anything and he's also supposed to be the same God, according to Christians, who would later live a life of simplicity with no wealth as a human.

The Ark

¹⁰ “Have them make an ark^[b] of acacia wood—two and a half cubits long, a cubit and a half wide, and a cubit and a half high.^{[c] 11} Overlay it with pure gold, both inside and out, and make a gold molding around it. ¹² Cast four gold rings for it and fasten them to its four feet, with two rings on one side and two rings on the other. ¹³ Then make poles of acacia wood and overlay them with gold. ¹⁴ Insert the poles into the rings on the sides of the ark to carry it. ¹⁵ The poles are to remain in the rings of this ark; they are not to be removed. ¹⁶ Then put in the ark the tablets of the covenant law, which I will give you.

OK, I won't repeat the exact same points about gold and God that I just made above, just rinse and repeat. This is as boring as the genealogy bits it seems.

¹⁷ “Make an atonement cover of pure gold—two and a half cubits long and a cubit and a half wide. ¹⁸ And make two cherubim out of hammered gold at the ends of the cover. ¹⁹ Make one cherub on one end and the second cherub on the other; make the cherubim of one piece with the cover, at the two ends. ²⁰ The cherubim are to have their wings spread upward, overshadowing the cover with them. The cherubim are to face each other, looking toward the cover. ²¹ Place the cover on top of the ark and put in the ark the tablets of the covenant law that I will give you. ²² There, above the cover between the two cherubim that are over the ark of the covenant law, I will meet with you and give you all my commands for the Israelites.

Seriously, does everything need to be exactly like that or God won't accept to give any of his wisdom to humans or something like that? Ain't that stupid? I mean, you can't find a clear law against things like "don't rape babies" among all this bullshit, yet you can find detailed instructions on how to make beautiful stuff that is needed to please an insane ruler of the universe. Now let me put two quotes next to each other, this one from Exodus 20:4: "You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below." And this one found right here, from Exodus 25:18: "And make two cherubim out of hammered gold at the ends of the cover." Now THINK!

The Table

²³ “Make a table of acacia wood—two cubits long, a cubit wide and a cubit and a half high.^{[d] 24} Overlay it with pure gold and make a gold molding around it. ²⁵ Also make around it a rim a handbreadth^[e] wide and put a gold molding on the rim. ²⁶ Make four gold rings for the table and fasten them to the four corners, where the four legs are. ²⁷ The rings are to be close to the rim to hold the poles used in carrying the table. ²⁸ Make the poles of acacia wood, overlay them with gold and carry the table with them. ²⁹ And make its plates and dishes of pure gold, as well as its pitchers and bowls for the pouring out of offerings. ³⁰ Put the bread of the Presence on this table to be before me at all times.

I don't know what the fuck is about this bread which needs to be constantly in the presence of God, but what the fuck really best describes this whole passage. Now we're discussing how to build tables and shit? This is God himself talking by the way, not some TV show about decoration. Does he need everything dipped in gold like an American likes everything fried or what? (By the way, that's no insult towards United States residents since I'm Canadian and I like fried food, no matter how bad it is for my heart.)

The Lampstand

³¹ “Make a lampstand of pure gold. Hammer out its base and shaft, and make its flowerlike cups, buds and blossoms of one piece with them. ³² Six branches are to extend from the sides of the lampstand—three on one side and three on the other. ³³ Three cups shaped like almond flowers with buds and blossoms are to be on one branch, three on the next branch, and the same for all six branches extending from the lampstand. ³⁴ And on the lampstand there are to be four cups shaped like almond flowers with buds and blossoms. ³⁵ One bud shall be under the first pair of branches extending from the lampstand, a second bud under the second pair, and a third bud under the third pair—six branches in all. ³⁶ The buds and branches shall all be of one piece with the lampstand, hammered out of pure gold.

Seriously, I'm not kidding, I'm asking an honest question here: are these supposed to be laws that each human should learn and follow? Because this is in the "holy book", the truth and wisdom God is speaking to us. We should not fill it with boring stuff which serves no purpose and makes us forget the useful laws like "don't kill" or "don't lie" (which even then are not absolute laws we should always follow no matter what the situation is").

³⁷ “Then make its seven lamps and set them up on it so that they light the space in front of it. ³⁸ Its wick trimmers and trays are to be of pure gold. ³⁹ A talent^[f] of pure gold is to be used for the lampstand and all these accessories. ⁴⁰ See that you make them according to the pattern shown you on the mountain.

Small cameo by the "seven obsession". Also I have a message for God: "Why not leave some wealth to the people, like at least enough so that everyone on the planet can live well and eat every day."

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 25:5 Possibly the hides of large aquatic mammals
b. Exodus 25:10 That is, a chest
c. Exodus 25:10 That is, about 3 3/4 feet long and 2 1/4 feet wide and high or about 1.1 meters long and 68 centimeters wide and high; similarly in verse 17
d. Exodus 25:23 That is, about 3 feet long, 1 1/2 feet wide and 2 1/4 feet high or about 90 centimeters long, 45 centimeters wide and 68 centimeters high
e. Exodus 25:25 That is, about 3 inches or about 7.5 centimeters
f. Exodus 25:39 That is, about 75 pounds or about 34 kilograms